Got any lame jokes?

[turtlespeed 220]

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I've never asked to hear the duck joke. It doesn't exist. It's all a conspiracy by everyone to ensure that there is some random thing that everyone knows doesn't exist, but everyone thinks it really does.

"la la la la"

You forgot your eyes . . .

. . . the joke exists - but it is only told in speak easy's now.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[peregrinerose 0]

What's the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.

Do or do not, there is no try -Yoda

[wmw999 2,447]

knock knock
who's there?
cadillac
cadillac who?
cadillac funny if you scratch his fur the wrong way

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[karenmeal 0]

Wow, that one is pretty lame!!

"Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham

[NWFlyer 2]

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. . . the joke exists - but it is only told in speak easy's now.

I think it's like The Aristocrats. Some day, years from now, there will be a movie version of The Duck Joke.

[Buried 0]

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Which duck joke?

Oh c'mon tell me!!

i canot say.. but i will pm it to you....

Where is my fizzy-lifting drink?

[karenmeal 0]

Krisanne, I can tell you the sacred duck joke next time I see you.

"Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham

[ACMESkydiver 0]

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Two fish are swimming in the river. One runs into a cement wall and says, "Dam(n)".

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Mickey Mouse is in divorce court. The judge looks over at Mickey quite confused, "Mr. Mouse, you mean to tell me that you want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy?"

Mickey replies, "I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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A rope walks into a bar and sits down on a stool. The bartender tells him, "Get out of here, we don't serve ropes!"

The rope wanders off.

Five minutes later, the same rope walks back into the bar and sits at the other end of the bar. The bartender says, "Hey! Beat it. I said We don't serve ropes."

The rope steps outside, shakes his hair out, contorts his body into many twists, and hops back into the bar taking a seat at a bar stool.

The bartender says, "Buddy, I've seen you in here before. Aren't you that same rope that just walked in here a few minutes ago?"

The rope says, "Nope. I'm afraid not." (that's 'a frayed knot' for you slow people )
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Ok, here's the 9 year old's version of 'lame joke', she told me this morning:

How do aliens count to 28?

On their fingers.
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-But I'm sure you've already heard my rope joke Karen; I tell it every time I get drunk.

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[NWFlyer 2]

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Krisanne, I can tell you the sacred duck joke next time I see you.

Yay!

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[PsychoBob 0]

A frog goes into a bank and applies for a loan with Mrs. Patty Whack who is the loan officer. She asks the frog if he has any kind of collateral to secure the loan. He pulls out this little glass trinket and gives it to her. She doesn't know what it is so she goes and asks the bank president what it is. The President looks at it and say's "It's a knick-knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan"

"I'm not a gynecologist but I will take a look at it"
RB #1295, Smokey Sister #1, HellFish #658, Dirty Sanchez #194, Muff Brothers #3834, POPS #9614, Orfun Foster-Parent?"

[Lindercles 0]

Did you hear there's a severed cat's paw running in the upcoming election?

It's running unopposable.

[diablopilot 2]

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i could tell you the duck joke, but then i would have to kill you..... because others would be after me to kill me..... but it is at the top of lame jokes...

Of all the great mysteries of dropzone.com, I believe wingnut's duck joke is the only one for which I have made no headway. I believe it was mid 2004 when I finally decided that the greatest joke is that there is no real duck joke. It's that notional thing, the thought and concept of a joke that nobody ever hears, that is it's greatest trick.

Kaiser Soze really did exist - but nobody could identify him.
Pepperland? Everybody knew somebody who knew somebody who joined Paul in Pepperland.

So we've got this joke that every knows someone who has heard it, but has never been mentioned.

What is the duck joke? What is the meaning of life?

Believe me there is a duck joke. Now whether it's worth such a quest, is debatable.

----------------------------------------------
You're not as good as you think you are. Seriously.

[DJL 235]

I used to date this midget. I was nuts over her.



.

"I encourage all awesome dangerous behavior." - Jeffro Fincher

[Dougiefresh 0]

Three guys are riding horses on a dude ranch in Texas -- the Texan dude rancher, a guy from Chicago, and a guy from Wisconsin. The Texan, showing off, pulls a bottle of whiskey from his bag, takes a swig, throws the bottle in the air, pulls his gun and shoots it to smithereens.

"Why would you waste perfectly good whiskey?" the other 2 ask.

"In Texas, glass is cheap, and we have plenty of whiskey!" replies the Texan.

Not to be outdone, the guy from Illinois pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a swig, throws the bottle in the air, and shoots it to tiny bits.

"Why would you waste perfectly good champagne?" ask the Texan and Wisconsinite.

"Well, in Chicago, glass is cheap, and we have plenty of champagne!" he tells them.

They ride for a while, and the Wisconsinite is deep in thought. Finally he pulls a bottle of microbrew from his saddlebag, chugs the whole thing, puts the bottle back in his bag, then shoots the guy from Illinois dead.

The Texan is in shock. "What... why... why did you do that?!" demands the Texan.

"Well, in Wisconsin, the beer is good, we recycle, and we have plenty of people from Illinois."


Pretty lame, I know.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. --Douglas Adams

[Ncrowe 0]

What does a gay horse eat??



Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

"Don't Mess Around With the Guy in Shades- Oh No!!! "

[JENNR8R 0]

My grandmother told me this riddle when I was ten years old:

John had a long thing.

Mary had a hairy thing.

John stuck his long thing in Mary's hairy thing.

What is it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

John stuck his knife in Mary's pig... What were you thinking?

What do you call a beautiful, sunny day that comes after two cloudy, rainy
ones? -- Monday.

[thegreekone 0]

Horse walks into a bar

Bartender says "Hey, what's with the long face?"

[shropshire 0]

I thought that I was lucky when I married Miss Right.... Problem was, I didn't know at the time that her first name was ImAlways...

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[Broke 0]

A man walks into a bar. Inside of this bar he sees a sign. The sign reads make horse laugh win 100 dollars. So the man walks up to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear. The horse starts to laugh uncontrollably.
The bartender hands this man hit 100 dollars and asked, "What did you say to the horse to make him laugh?"
The man replied, "I can't tell you."
The bartender leaves it at that.
A couple of weeks later this man walks back into this bar. This time there is a new sign. The sign says make horse cry win 100 dollars. This man walks up to the horse and opens his trenchcoat and shows the horse something. At which point the horse start to sob, and cry.
The bartender hands this man his 100 dollars. The bartender says to him, "Ok you have cleaned me out of 200 dollars what is your secret?"
The man replies, "Well if you really want to know. To make the horse laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his, and to make him cry I showed it to him."

Divot your source for all things Hillbilly.
Anvil Brother 84
SCR 14192

[karenmeal 0]

(This is credited to my buddy Todd..)

Celine Dion walks into a bar...

The bar tender says, "Hey, Why the long face?"

"Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham

[karenmeal 0]

I don't remember the rope joke.. I'm sure everytime you're drunk and telling jokes.. I'm probably drunk and trying hard to remember jokes to tell.

Tell it again!


Edited to add:

I just told Jeff the duck joke.. now he is mad at me. It was painfully bad.

"Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham

[thegreekone 0]

A bum is walking around Harvard looking for the library. He sees someone who looks like a prof and says

"excuse me sir, do you know where the librarys at?"

the professor responds by saying "at Harvard, we don't end our sentences with prepositions".

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you know where the librarys at, ASSHOLE?"

[jlkskycam 0]

A Harvard man is at the urinal zipping up when a Yale man steps in. The Harvard man exits the restroom. Later, the Yale man sees the Harvard man outside and comments, "At Yale, we wash our hands after we urinate." The Harvard man nodded his head and replied, "Yeah? Well at Harvard we don't piss on our hands."

[Icon134 0]

One of my favorites:

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, but I haven't figured out how to get them in the light bulb yet.

Livin' on the Edge... sleeping with my rigger's wife...

[jlkskycam 0]

How many weight-lifters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three.

One to screw in the bulb and the other two to give encouragement by saying, "You're looking huge, man - huge!"