Dump Etiquette!

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HOW TO POOP AT WORK



We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.



CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.


FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very comfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom


TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE:

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will dispell all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


WATERMELON:

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.



UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop until the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.



I hope th is Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

Anvil Brother #69

Sidelined with a 5mm C5-C6 herniated disk...
Back2Back slammers and 40yr old fat guys don't mix!

[airtwardo 7]

Shouldn't you be out jumping?!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[j0nes 0]

this thread is very 1996, the era of the "new" internet. in fact, i think this was one of the first pieces junk-forwards I ever recieved.

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DZ is not running thru the week

I tried to get out yesterday...it was ~85 and clear all day

Anvil Brother #69

Sidelined with a 5mm C5-C6 herniated disk...
Back2Back slammers and 40yr old fat guys don't mix!

[skycat 0]

Don't bring your cell phone in to the bathroom with you. My VP got totally busted on this one, one of my co-workers was in the restroom, when a phone rang he heard the VP answer it and say "I'm kind of busy right now, I'll call you back in 15 minutes". It took less time than that for the story to be around the department.

Fly it like you stole it!

[rocketdog 0]

how about NOT washing your hands because you're running out of the bathroom so that the person in stall #2 doesn't know it was *YOU*!? (needs a name)

freaking hilarious

~hollywood

see the world! http://gorocketdog.blogspot.com

[Lindercles 0]

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how about NOT washing your hands because you're running out of the bathroom so that the person in stall #2 doesn't know it was *YOU*!? (needs a name)

freaking hilarious

~hollywood

a name? how 'bout "FUCKING DISGUSTING"

[Lindercles 0]

Hey, there's an idea for revenge...

Take a dump in his bathroom and don't wash your hands, then handle everything he owns.

[jdfreefly 1]

HOW TO REALLY POOP AT WORK



We've all been there and we love to tell storys about it. We all love a good WORKPOOP. For those who hate pooping at work, the following will probably seem repulsive, but for the rest of the normal people out there who love to thump one out, I'm sure you will love it!



CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but is unsure of where it came from. As they start to look around and try to figure out who it was, point and double over with laughter removing all doubt.


FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. If there are no people in there taking a leak, leave and come back again. You don't want your stink lost in the stench of someone else, or worse yet, them getting credit for it. Also, you don't want to waste it on an empty room.


ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of pride. If you release an escapee, exclaim, "whoa! Nice one! Wait till you get a wiff of that!"

Never pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, inform him that he is a dirty bastard, and you know it, but make sure he understands that this only increases your opinion of him. Never miss a chance to make a crude joke about a bodily function.


JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Quickly shout out, "Fucking chilli dogs!"

COURTESY FLUSH:

What are you, Martha Stewart?

WALK OF PRIDE:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. Quote Ace Ventura and make sure everyone in the bathroom(and the hall outside if your really potent and proud) knows that it does stink, and it was you that caused it.


IN THE CLOSET POOPER (ICP):

This is a colleague who poops at work and follows those stupid HOW TO POOP AT WORK rules that circulated the internet when it was still in its infancy. They should be riddiculed and publicly shamed.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who you know won't report you to HR, cry to their therapist, or worse if you do any of the above things in their pressance.


SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where one can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. In the closet poopers like to seek these out. Wait till one of them goes in to thump out a loaf, give em about 5 minutes to get there stink on, then barge in with a, "Jesus christ, is that you? What the hell did you eat?"


TURD FRIGTENER:

When an ICP is in what they believe to be a safe haven, barge in and try to enter the stall they are in, don't worry, it will be securely locked. Pretend you are a complete moron and keep shaking the door. It will scare them so bad, their turd will run back up and hide. Enjoy the comedy the rest of the day as they walk around partially bent over from the intestinal cramping and constipation you, and their ICPishness has caused them.

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough sometimes used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE(see below). A camo-cough is a clear sign that you have an ICP on your hands, time for a Turd Frightener!


ASTAIRE:

This person is suffering from sever ICPism, time for a Turd Frightener. Shake the door extra hard just for fun.


WATERMELON:

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. Follow up a watermellon with, "Jesus Fucking Christ, it's like Normandy in there."

HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. If you wasted this on an empty restroom, you really should be ashamed of yourself. Assuming someone is in there, laugh hysterically, and announce that you will never eat buffalo chicken fingers again.


STAGE FRIGHT FREDDY:
An SFF is a person who will not piss or poop while someone else is in the bathroom. These people are suffering from a sever case of ICPism and need to be bitch slapped into reality. They can be fun to torrment by, stoping to tie your shoe, adjusting your tie, or, if you have a member of your PFN with you, the two of you can discuss last nights football game, in its entirety.


Poop free and proud america!

Methane Freefly - got stink?

[jdfreefly 1]

Feel free to send my modern version of this document to all your friends.

Methane Freefly - got stink?

[rocketdog 0]

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Hey, there's an idea for revenge...Take a dump in his bathroom and don't wash your hands, then handle everything he owns.

HAHAHAHA! nice allusion to my earlier rant......... although, that revenge would be too obvious. i like the surprises

~hollywood

see the world! http://gorocketdog.blogspot.com

[Broke 0]

I need to poop, but I have to wait an hour... grumble grumble

Divot your source for all things Hillbilly.
Anvil Brother 84
SCR 14192

[masterrig 1]

Seems like, whenever I have to use a public restroom, like in a 'nice' restaurant, there is always some lard-ass in a stall, grunting like tug boat and un-loading like somebody emtying a bucket of slop on the side-walk! The restroom smells like a sulphur plant. Why, don't they do that before they leave the house???

Chuck

[Broke 0]

I really hate it when I have a really really good BM, and I let out that little moan of relief when someone walks in.

Divot your source for all things Hillbilly.
Anvil Brother 84
SCR 14192