The Romantic Kiss is Not Dead (long)

[waltappel 1]

What started out as posting a couple of funny stories seems to have turned into a series. In case you missed the earlier postings, here are some links:

"Maybe the greenies don't like it when you act like a fool...": A true story about just how stupid I can get when I'm really frustrated.
"More Stupid HumanTricks": A story of me getting stupid with some hot sauce.
"My Visit to a Bordello": Just like the title says...
"One more reason to hate the doctor's office": Nipple infections are not fun but can be funny.
"I am a bad man when I get bored": My encounter with a perv in a laundromat
"I am not a smart man when I'm drunk": A BASE site scouting trip gone bad.
"thoughtful career choices": Who says mental hospitals are not fun? (ME, that's who!!!)
"Glory, Glory, Hallelujah": Don't read this one if you are a homophobe.
"practical joke for the practical nurse": A practical joke I played when I was a nurse.

This time we’re gonna talk about justice. Not the kind dished out by the court system or vigilantes, but “what goes around comes around” kind of justice.

When I was in high school I used to hang out with a guy (I’ll call him “Dave”) who was a true dirtbag in the making. What he was doing in those days, in my mind, qualified him as the ultimate parents’ nightmare—his parents and the parents of his friends.

“Lie, cheat, steal” seemed to be his credo. Well maybe not exactly. I would have to add “heavy substance abuse” to make it a more accurate reflection of reality. He was an alcoholic by the time he was a freshman in high school. He would also do clever things like huff gasoline vapors.

Being kind of bored at the time, hanging out with him seemed to be a God-send!

Ironically, my parents loved him—not [I]liked[/I] him, LOVED him!!! In addition to a lack of ethics and morals that would make any sociopath proud, he was quite the con artist. Whenever he would come over to my parents’ house, he would walk right past me, into the living room, and [I]warmly[/I] greet my parents.

“Well hi, Mr. and Mrs. Appel! How’s it been goin’?!”

He was a very personable “pretty boy” type and a real charmer. When talking with my parents, or anyone else for that matter, he displayed absolutely none of the standoffishness or awkwardness that teens often do when talking with people of their parents’ generation. Quite the opposite. You would have thought he was a long-lost friend. I had no clue how he could do it with a straight face (being a dirtbag and all) but I admired that ability.

After he started driving, he turned into a [I]real[/I] terror. Did I mention that he stole his first car?!!! This is a good one. We used to hang out at a gas station that was up the street from where we lived. One day he saw an old Volkswagen Beetle parked behind it and asked what the scoop was. Apparently someone had experienced mechanical problems with it and asked to leave it there until they could get it towed.

Being an opportunist, Dave decided to help himself to the car by pushing it home and hiding it in his garage. His parents were divorced and he lived with his mother. I don’t know what the hell he told her about the car to make it look legitimate, but I’m sure it was The Big Lie. He was good at that.

Not only did he have the gall to steal the car, he got the owner’s phone number, called him, and, after telling him how totally destroyed the engine was (a lie, of course), talked the guy into [I]giving[/I] him the car. This guy was phenomenal.

It took what seemed like no time for Dave to start accumulating (and failing to pay for) traffic tickets. The subsequent traffic warrants started off a string of arrests that went into the dozens while I knew him.

I could go on and on about this guy, but you should be getting a good picture of him by now. It seemed as if he was grooming himself for politics!

Let’s see, substance abuse, crime, cars, arrests—what’s missing? Yep. You guessed it. Women. Lots and lots of young women. Hordes of them, swarming all over him. Was I envious? Hell yes I was!!!

He continued his hell-raising lifestyle well after I graduated high school. Notice that I said after I graduated?

He never held a job for very long. The reasons he gave were numerous, but never his fault. I remember one job he had as an assistant manager at a shoe store. He used to tell me his favorite technique for embezzling cash to pay for his drinking.

This was in Austin, Texas in the late 70’s and there was a phenomenal music scene there. If you were into live music and partying, there were few better places to be. It was in this environment that he really flourished.

We would go out to bars and in seemingly no time we would pick up a young woman and be headed out. This guy was good! He often bragged about his ability to charm women, and why not? He definitely had it goin’ on.

He seemed to think he was God’s gift to women, so one day I asked him.

“Dave. You think you are God’s gift to women, don’t you?”

“[I]Think[/I]?!!! Hell, I know I am God’s gift to women!”

Some time after that, one night we decided to go bar hopping. I don’t remember how many bars we went to but after we hit all of our favorite places, we found ourselves with just enough time to hit one more.

“So, Walt, where do you want to go?”

“I want to go to the absolute sleaziest place we can think of. A place where nobody in their right mind or with any self respect would go.”

We looked at each other and [I]knew[/I] where we were headed. It was called the “My O My Club”.

It was on South Lamar and we had passed it many times—a sleazy-looking, rundown old duplex-looking place that was split into two side-by-side bars. One of them featured totally nude dancers. The other side featured porn.

It was our love of cinema that won out. Don’t ask why. I have no idea.

So anyway, there we are in a sleazy porno bar watching some bullshit porno flick and drinking watered down beer.

Dave was truly inspired. He started putting the moves on our waitress.

It may not seem like it from some of my postings, but I practically worship women. I like everything there is to like about women. It’s just the way I am. That is why it is almost unheard of for me to refer to a woman as “ugly”. I cringe at the thought.

This waitress, though, could only be described as really damn butt-ugly. She was fugly. Damn! I couldn’t believe Dave. I had seen him with LOADS of stunningly beautiful women. How could he sink this low?

The waitress was sitting on Dave’s lap and they were kissing. Ok, maybe “kissing” doesn’t describe it adequately. They were sucking face bigtime! They were sticking their tongues so far down each others' throats it looked kind of like a twin sword -swallowing act.

So they suck face for a while and then she offered to give him a blow job for $20. He didn’t have quite that much so he asked me if he could borrow it. I looked in my wallet and I didn’t have it either. To this day it eats me alive that I didn’t have $20 on me to loan him. It just [I]kills[/I] me.

So the waitress walks off. There was a couple sitting behind us. The guy leaned forward and quietly said, “Don’t stare over there, but that was a GUY just sitting on your lap.”

Could this be?

Of course we both stared like hell and came to the same conclusion—YES!!!!

It’s times like that when I can almost believe there is a God! The fact that I didn’t have $20 on me, though, leaves plenty of room for doubt.

I never ragged on him about it--after all, we both knew the score—but it gave me a sense that maybe, just maybe there is some justice in the world.

Walt

[Lindercles 0]

i've been toying with the idea of inventing a time machine for quite a while now, but to date i just couldn't find a viable use for it. you've inspired me. just don't forget the 20 bucks this time.

[waltappel 1]

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i've been toying with the idea of inventing a time machine for quite a while now, but to date i just couldn't find a viable use for it. you've inspired me. just don't forget the 20 bucks this time.

If I could go back with a whole stack of twenty dollar bills, I could die happy!

Walt

[NWFlyer 2]

So now we know where Eddie Haskell ended up.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[waltappel 1]

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So now we know where Eddie Haskell ended up.

I didn't think anyone but me was old enough to remember who he was!

Walt

[NWFlyer 2]

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So now we know where Eddie Haskell ended up.

I didn't think anyone but me was old enough to remember who he was!

Walt

Well, the Beav did live on in reruns even for the younger generations.

[kbordson 8]

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So now we know where Eddie Haskell ended up.

I didn't think anyone but me was old enough to remember who he was!

Now you're making me feel old! Next thing you know, you'll be telling me Mork and Mindy is old too... and the Fonz....
And that there is no Great Pumpkin!

[waltappel 1]

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So now we know where Eddie Haskell ended up.

I didn't think anyone but me was old enough to remember who he was!

Now you're making me feel old! Next thing you know, you'll be telling me Mork and Mindy is old too... and the Fonz....
And that there is no Great Pumpkin!

Relax. I can tell from your Avatar that you MUST have seen those on reruns No way are you old enought o have seen the orignals.

Walt

[kbordson 8]

You are too sweet. Leave it to Beaver (1957 - first season), yup too young to have seen that on original release. But Happy Days (1974 - First season) and Mork and Mindy (1978- fisrst season) ... saw them in person ...
It's amazing where the years have gone....

[Lindercles 0]

nanu nanu

[NlghtJumper 0]

Damn, now I REALLY feel young! I was born in 86, and I only recognize like one or two of the names you guys have mentioned....
Never even seen the re-runs, except for a couple of Happy Days

A man will do anything for the right woman,
and when that woman destroys him,
that man will become a hunk of meat with the common sense of a rodeo clown! ~ Christopher Titus

[kap84 0]

That makes me feel better, 84-but still, iv only heard of a few of them

Karen