More stupid human tricks

[waltappel 1]

I seem to have this compulsion lately to confess some of my majorly stupid acts, so here's another.

Everyone has heard the expression, "Wow, if you could bottle that, you'd be RICH!!!". "That" could be sexiness, beauty, intelligence, humor, or whatever. Just something good.

The bad stuff already comes in a bottle. Take stupidity for example. It's bottled in the form of whiskey, beer, and a variety of other things. My personal favorite flavor of bottled stupidity has the label, "Dave's Gourmet Insanity Sauce". Gourmet Insanity?!!!! "Why yes, I'll have a bottle of that please!"

I should mention that some of the really stupid shit I do goes back to my childhood. I was the whiniest little crybaby you could imagine. Kind of like I am today, but even worse!

I've been plagued with this desire to prove to myself that the things that scared me when I was a kid aren't really all that bad.

One of these things was the dreaded "Belly Flop" at the swimming pool. One time I did one on purpose just to prove to myself that they aren't really all that bad. I jumped up and down on that diving board really, really hard so I could get the kind of height and speed that would put me as close to the outer reaches of the atmosphere as humanly possible. While plummeting toward the pool, I made sure that I would hit as flatly as possible.

"This", I thought, "will prove beyond any shadow of doubt that all fear of the belly flop is laughable!"

That was before hit the water, which had somehow attained the hardness of reinforced concrete while I was in freefall.

At least I was partially right about the belly flop. My belly felt fine. My balls, on the other hand, would never be the same after that!

Ok, back to the Gourmet Insanity thing. A select few humans can drink hot sauce like it is a tall, refreshing glass of peach-flavored iced tea. I am not one of those people, but in a moment of really intense stupidity a few months ago, I decided to "prove" to myself that hot sauce (not regular hot, but burn-your-fucking-tongue-off-and-leave-you-pleading-for-mercy hot) was not all that bad.

Enter Dave's Gourmet Insanity Sauce. Laughing at the possibility of the sauce getting the best of me, I took out my trusty measuring spoons and gleefully poured a full tablespoon of the wondrous sauce.

After downing it in one quick gulp, I had a half-second or so where I thought. "This is no big deal". That didn't last long. My mouth became a blast furnace. I broke out in a heavy sweat. Then, it really started to suck.

What I experienced for the next hour or so reminds me of that scene in the move "Alien" where the incubated Alien hell monster decides to eat its way out of that guy's abdomen. Like that poor bastard in the move I was screaming bloody murder, grabbing my stomach, and thinking life had suddenly take a nasty downturn.

"Aaaaaaaaiiiiiiyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!"

"Oh fuck, why did I do that?!!!!"

Ok, I knew I had screwed up royally, so I went to the good ol' emergency solution that always works on ailing stomachs--the ol' "hug the commode and puke it up" thing.

Piece of advice here. Don't get yourself in that situation. The shit burns just as bad coming up as it did going down!!!

To top it off, my projectile vomiting of the Gourmet Insanity sauce caused a bunch of hell-sauce-flavored water to splash into my right eye, setting in on fire, of course.

Thought I was gonna die. It took a couple of hours, but it finally subsided.

Gourmet Insanity. Yep, it was indeed.

Walt

[Lindercles 0]

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The bad stuff already comes in a bottle. Take stupidity for example. It's bottled in the form of whiskey, beer, and a variety of other things

i don't know what you're talking about. i've had a lot of whiskey tonight and i'm more intelligent, witty and attractive right now than i've ever been.

[airtwardo 7]

Take stupidity for example. It's bottled in the form of whiskey, beer, and a variety of other things


***

Yeah...bad for ya!


Jack Daniels...it makes me break out.



Doors






Windows










TEETH!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[waltappel 1]

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The bad stuff already comes in a bottle. Take stupidity for example. It's bottled in the form of whiskey, beer, and a variety of other things

i don't know what you're talking about. i've had a lot of whiskey tonight and i'm more intelligent, witty and attractive right now than i've ever been.

Walt

[waltappel 1]

Walt

[highfly 0]

If you drink plenty of milk it calms it down.

Dont drink anything sweet though. It intensifies it.

www.myspace.com/durtymac

[CBRnick 0]

I did EXACTLY the same thing with a bottle of sauce named 'Who Dares Burns - extra extra hot edition'.

Now a dark red sauce named Who Dares Burns Extra hot cant be that bad can it...
Its strange how you think labels mean the opposite when you have had a drink or two.

[RhondaLea 4]

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Enter Dave's Gourmet Insanity Sauce. Laughing at the possibility of the sauce getting the best of me, I took out my trusty measuring spoons and gleefully poured a full tablespoon of the wondrous sauce.

I am in utter awe.

A tablespoon. A whole tablespoon.

I use a capsaicin nasal spray, and I take capsaicin capsules (100,000 Scoville Heat Units), and I use capsaicin creme on my skin, but for all that I would never....

Well, look...we used to have little competitions to see who could eat the most of it--a few drops at a time on a tortilla--but I don't think the idea of doing it straight from cutlery ever occurred to anyone. Didn't you read the warning on the bottle?

Wow.

rl

If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

[waltappel 1]

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I use a capsaicin nasal spray, and I take capsaicin capsules (100,000 Scoville Heat Units), and I use capsaicin creme on my skin, but for all that I would never....

I had never heard of capsaicin, but I looked it up on wikipedia. Capsaicin nasal spray?!!! Now that must clear out your sinuses in a real hurry!!!

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Well, look...we used to have little competitions to see who could eat the most of it--a few drops at a time on a tortilla--but I don't think the idea of doing it straight from cutlery ever occurred to anyone. Didn't you read the warning on the bottle?

Wow.

rl

Well now you know--at times I make Forrest Gump look like a super-genius.

"I am not a smart man."

"Stupid is as stupid does."

Walt

[waltappel 1]

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If you drink plenty of milk it calms it down.

Dont drink anything sweet though. It intensifies it.

I'm going to remember that. Hopefully I'll never be dumb enough to do that again, but ya' never know...

Walt

[FrEaK_aCcIdEnT 0]

hey walt, i got something for ya pm me ur address and ill have it shipped over when i win it...

Dave's Gourmet Insanity

i want u to try the "Ultimate Insanity" first. Should tase sweet in flavor for justa couple seconds.

ExPeCt ThE uNeXpEcTeD!
DoNt MiNd ThE tYpOs, Im LaZy On CoRrEcTiOnS!

[waltappel 1]

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hey walt, i got something for ya pm me ur address and ill have it shipped over when i win it...

Dave's Gourmet Insanity

Oh my GAWD!!!

Walt

i want u to try the "Ultimate Insanity" first. Should tase sweet in flavor for justa couple seconds.

[RhondaLea 4]

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If you drink plenty of milk it calms it down.

Dont drink anything sweet though. It intensifies it.

I'm going to remember that. Hopefully I'll never be dumb enough to do that again, but ya' never know...

Walt

It needs to be whole milk. Whole milk plain yogurt or sour cream works better.

rl

If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

[dqpacker 7]

Bread helps too.

[waltappel 1]

Next time I decide to do something really retarded, I'll call you first!!!

Walt

[BIGUN 1,303]

So, back in the day, I'm in a bar with a bunch of Army Rangers... Course the macho is all over the room. One challenges me to have a "Ranger Shot." Not knowing what it is and with a significant enough threats to my masculinity if I don't have one - mouth off about being able to handle anything a F#ckin Ranger can throw at me (had quite a few shots of JD by this point).

Well, the old-fashion glass gets placed in front of me; it's blood red. What exactly is a "Ranger shot?" IT's two shots of Tabasco and two shots of Tequila mixed together. Again...mouth off about being able to handle anything a F#ckin Ranger can throw at me. I was painfully wrong. Very painfully wrong.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[waltappel 1]

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So, back in the day, I'm in a bar with a bunch of Army Rangers... Course the macho is all over the room. One challenges me to have a "Ranger Shot." Not knowing what it is and with a significant enough threats to my masculinity if I don't have one - mouth off about being able to handle anything a F#ckin Ranger can throw at me (had quite a few shots of JD by this point).

Well, the old-fashion glass gets placed in front of me; it's blood red. What exactly is a "Ranger shot?" IT's two shots of Tabasco and two shots of Tequila mixed together. Again...mouth off about being able to handle anything a F#ckin Ranger can throw at me. I was painfully wrong. Very painfully wrong.

Are you serious? Two SHOTS of Tabasco?!!! That really is a whole lot of Tabasco sauce.

Walt

p.s. Did you feel more macho afterwards?

[BIGUN 1,303]

Yup. Two shots of Tabasco mixed with two shot of Tequila and you have to chug it. It was one of the most painful things I've experienced.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BillyVance 34]

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Yup. Two shots of Tabasco mixed with two shot of Tequila and you have to chug it. It was one of the most painful things I've experienced.

ugh... does it help to chug it down as fast as possible? Dumb question I guess...

one time (despite warnings from my girlfriend) I nonchalantly chomped down on a stuffed habaneros pepper (one of the hottest peppers out there) I think it was.... OH FUCK my mouth and tongue were burning shit fire for 2 hours...

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[waltappel 1]

You guys are starting to sound almost as retarded as me!!!

Walt

[wildblue 7]

I'd give ya $5 if you try that with this stuff

it's like incest - you're substituting convenience for quality

[Lindercles 0]

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I'd give ya $5 if you try that with this stuff

i'd kick in another $.50, but only if i can be there to see it. also, if he pays for my gas to get there.

[460 0]

Hey Walt,
I did something similar and my face looked like it was going to explode. I think I almost had a stroke according to Yuri who was somehow able to pretty much guzzle that crap.

Chris

Looks like a death sandwich without the bread - Steve Deadman Morrell, BASE 174

[jloirsdaan 0]

Yeah habaneros are F**KING nuts. Only ever had one....freshly picked. Mouth didn't stop burning for hours. Literally.....BURNING.....like I gargled a bunch of gasoline and lit a match!

Jordan

Go Fast, Dock Soft.

[ffejdraga 0]

Ok here goes a couple of good stories surrounding super hot stuff:

habeneros:
One day back at Jumptown, I was making some fresh salsa. It is pretty good, and it requires a mix of peppers, so i get as many as the grocery store has. I want spice but not too much hot, so I use a bit of the ol habenero, and that is all I need. I wind up with an extra habenero. Jokingly, when I was done, I offered the pepper to anyone who wanted it. All the sane people at the dz that day had the classic "no way" response. All but one. This crazy Russian comes up to me and says he likes hot. I tell him how hot these things really are...No no no he assures me he loves hot, it will be no big deal. Alright dude, go for it, but I am telling you....
So he eats the whole habenero, chews on it enough, then swallows it down. Instantly his face was flush red, and he was dripping sweat from his head, for about an hour after he was in sever pain, sweating and eating bread trying to put the fire out. It was crazy.

Dave's Insanity Sauce:
Another day at the dz, we are not jumping because of rain or whatever, so a bunch of us are hanging around. Suddenly the discussion turns to military sit ups, and like clockwork, there is a girl in the crowd who hasn't heard of it, and swears that she can do one. If you don't know what one is, ask someone, and they will be happy to have you demonstrate it. Anyway, the military sit up goes exactly as planned, and the girl is pissed off. So later on, she finds her opportunity and pours about half a bottle of Dave's Insanity Sauce into this guys beer when he wasn't watching his beer, plus she makes sure to slather some on the rim of the bottle. It was dark, we were all by the fire, so it was perfect cover. The guy never knew until it was too late, and he too spent the next few hours in severe pain, followed by some more pain about 8 hours later....

ahh the hot stuff.
jeff D-16906