waltappel 1 #1 December 3, 2005 From http://www.laughlab.co.uk/ According to some folks at the University of Hertfordshire, this is the funniest joke in the world: A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?" They obviously didn't consult me. Here is the for-real funniest joke in the world and it is the cleanest joke I know: Q: Why are turds tapered on the ends? A: So your asshole won't slam shut! You're welcome. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Viking 0 #2 December 3, 2005 They are both funny but the visual image of my anus slamming shut like i just got thrown in a cell with bubba the bitch maker puts it on top. I swear you must have footprints on the back of your helmet - chicagoskydiver My God has a bigger dick than your god -George Carlin Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ragnarok 0 #3 December 3, 2005 My girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt. So, I fucked her three times and punched her in the face......._________________________________________ Twin Otter N203-Echo,29 July 2006 Cessna P206 N2537X, 19 April 2008 Blue Skies Forever Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
udder 0 #4 December 3, 2005 i think that is the most beautiful joke i heard in ages Heres another one. an australian an italian and a french man were talking about how theymake love to there wives.the italian says wen im done making love to my wife i whisper sweet things in her ear and she hovers 3 inches above the sheets the french man says wen i finish making love to my wife i give her a body massage and she hovers 4 inches above the sheets. the australian says "thats nothing! When Im done with my wife I get up and wipe my dick on the curtains and she fucking hits the roof.""In one way or the other, I'm a bad brother. Word to the motherf**ker." Eazy-E Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
1969912 0 #5 December 3, 2005 The British are pretty clever. Do oyu know what the term "Beef Curtains" means to proper English persons? How about "Turtles Head"? "Once we got to the point where twenty/something's needed a place on the corner that changed the oil in their cars we were doomed . . ." -NickDG Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mike111 0 #6 December 3, 2005 QuoteThe British are pretty clever. Quote Well said Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites lawrocket 3 #7 December 3, 2005 I thought the funniest joke was, "What's brown and sticky? A stick." Or, "What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino." Or, "Do you know what sound a satisfied woman makes? I didn't think so." My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites jenfly00 0 #8 December 3, 2005 "What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino." My all time favorite joke!!!!----------------------- "O brave new world that has such people in it". Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Bigwind 0 #9 December 3, 2005 QuoteThe British are pretty clever. Do oyu know what the term "Beef Curtains" means to proper English persons? How about "Turtles Head"? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Superman32 0 #10 December 3, 2005 Funniest Joke ever, Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine Inveniam Viam aut Faciam I'm back biatches! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites sinker 0 #11 December 3, 2005 QuoteFunniest Joke ever, Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine kinda funny, but true... my boss's name is Seven. Really. She's not even the 7th child. No significance to the # as the name, that's just the name. And she was born long before Seinfeld. Her other sibs have normal names. -the artist formerly known as sinker Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites masterrig 1 #12 December 3, 2005 Two good ol' boys were out deer hunting. One heard what he thought was a deer. He turned and shot. Waited awhile then, went over to see his kill. To his shock, it was his buddy! Some time later, after he had gotten his buddy to the hospital, the doc comes out and the hunter asks the doc how his friend was doing. Well, sir! He mighta lived if... you hadn't gut him! Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Bigwind 0 #13 December 3, 2005 QuoteTwo good ol' boys were out deer hunting. One heard what he thought was a deer. He turned and shot. Waited awhile then, went over to see his kill. To his shock, it was his buddy! Some time later, after he had gotten his buddy to the hospital, the doc comes out and the hunter asks the doc how his friend was doing. Well, sir! He mighta lived if... you hadn't gut him! Chuck ************* tumble weed **************** Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites waltappel 1 #14 December 3, 2005 QuoteThe British are pretty clever. Do oyu know what the term "Beef Curtains" means to proper English persons? How about "Turtles Head"? Thanks to you, I now know that there is a website caled "turdwords.com". I can die happy. turd curtains turtles head. According to http://www.londonslang.com: turtles/tortoise head - to have the tortoise/turtles head is to need to defecate urgently, i.e. like a turtles head poking out ! e.g. "Quick, quick, I've got the turtles head !". British humor is one of those "love it or hate it" things. I've never thought it was all that funny, but to each his own. Rodney Dangerfield, OTOH, was the funniest man ever. edited to add: There was one really notable exception to British humor not seeming all that funny to me. The movie "Trainspotting" had me laughing so hard I was in serious pain! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites BASE813 0 #15 December 3, 2005 QuoteThe British are pretty clever. Do oyu know what the term "Beef Curtains" means to proper English persons? How about "Turtles Head"? .... I am glad such an example of our humour was used to prove such a point, I having been trying to sum up the essence of my country..... you have convinced me of what it is.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites waltappel 1 #16 December 3, 2005 QuoteQuoteThe British are pretty clever. Do oyu know what the term "Beef Curtains" means to proper English persons? How about "Turtles Head"? .... I am glad such an example of our humour was used to prove such a point, I having been trying to sum up the essence of my country..... you have convinced me of what it is.... Now THAT is funny!!! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites 1969912 0 #17 December 3, 2005 QuoteQuoteThe British are pretty clever. Do oyu know what the term "Beef Curtains" means to proper English persons? How about "Turtles Head"? .... I am glad such an example of our humour was used to prove such a point, I having been trying to sum up the essence of my country..... you have convinced me of what it is.... Fuck, man. A whole bunch of enlish engineers came over here with BNFL to work on a project that I worked on. Funnier than hell. Got introduced to Viz magazine, Cockney rhyming slang, etc. Some good ones from Viz : "cough your filthy yogurt" "clapping fish" "Iggy popshot" "left-handed website" "Gusset typing" "tromboning" - the funniest one.. EDIT- just found a link to Roger's Profanisaurus: http://members.lycos.co.uk/Tim_Bracey/fun/rogers.htm "Once we got to the point where twenty/something's needed a place on the corner that changed the oil in their cars we were doomed . . ." -NickDG Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites BASE813 0 #18 December 3, 2005 Quote Fuck, man. A whole bunch of enlish engineers came over here with BNFL to work on a project that I worked on. Funnier than hell. Got introduced to Viz magazine, Cockney rhyming slang, etc. Some good ones from Viz : "cough your filthy yogurt" "clapping fish" "Iggy popshot" "left-handed website" "Gusset typing" "tromboning" - the funniest one.. EDIT- just found a link to Roger's Profanisaurus: http://members.lycos.co.uk/Tim_Bracey/fun/rogers.htm [clap]...and that ladies and gentlemen is British Humour summed up in one easy post.... [clap] Think im off to slit my throat....... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites kbordson 8 #19 December 3, 2005 Quote...and that ladies and gentlemen is British Humour summed up in one easy post.... Think im off to slit my throat....... So... share what might be your impression of the best of British Humor. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites airtwardo 7 #20 December 3, 2005 turtles/tortoise head - to have the tortoise/turtles head is to need to defecate urgently, i.e. like a turtles head poking out ! e.g. "Quick, quick, I've got the turtles head !". *** Here in Texas....that be called Prairie Doggin'!! ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites RhondaLea 4 #21 December 3, 2005 QuoteThink im off to slit my throat....... Can I help? If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites davidlayne 5 #22 December 3, 2005 This is an example of British humour................ If the answer is "Infatuation, cunt!" what was the question? ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) A Pakistani goes into a fish and chip shop and asks "what do you fry your chips in?"I don't care how many skydives you've got, until you stepped into complete darkness at 800' wearing 95 lbs of equipment and 42 lbs of parachute, son you are still a leg! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Sled14 0 #23 December 3, 2005 Heard this on a radio talk show, not PC but pretty funny Whats the difference between a microwave and a faggot? The microwave doesn't fart when you pull your meat out. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites GrendelKhan 0 #24 December 3, 2005 Here's a great, if somewhat offensive, redneck classic..... "What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?" "Nothing, you already told her twice." Grendel Khan-The Official DZ.Com Newbie Forum Nuisance "They sicken of the calm, that know the storm." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites CBRnick 0 #25 December 3, 2005 QuoteThe British are pretty clever. How about "Turtles Head"? Youll know right enough when you get one of those desperate 'touching cloth' moments :) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Prev 1 2 Next Page 1 of 2 Join the conversation You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account. Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible. Reply to this topic... × Pasted as rich text. Paste as plain text instead Only 75 emoji are allowed. × Your link has been automatically embedded. Display as a link instead × Your previous content has been restored. Clear editor × You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL. Insert image from URL × Desktop Tablet Phone Submit Reply 0 Go To Topic Listing
lawrocket 3 #7 December 3, 2005 I thought the funniest joke was, "What's brown and sticky? A stick." Or, "What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino." Or, "Do you know what sound a satisfied woman makes? I didn't think so." My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jenfly00 0 #8 December 3, 2005 "What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino." My all time favorite joke!!!!----------------------- "O brave new world that has such people in it". Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bigwind 0 #9 December 3, 2005 QuoteThe British are pretty clever. Do oyu know what the term "Beef Curtains" means to proper English persons? How about "Turtles Head"? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Superman32 0 #10 December 3, 2005 Funniest Joke ever, Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine Inveniam Viam aut Faciam I'm back biatches! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sinker 0 #11 December 3, 2005 QuoteFunniest Joke ever, Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine kinda funny, but true... my boss's name is Seven. Really. She's not even the 7th child. No significance to the # as the name, that's just the name. And she was born long before Seinfeld. Her other sibs have normal names. -the artist formerly known as sinker Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #12 December 3, 2005 Two good ol' boys were out deer hunting. One heard what he thought was a deer. He turned and shot. Waited awhile then, went over to see his kill. To his shock, it was his buddy! Some time later, after he had gotten his buddy to the hospital, the doc comes out and the hunter asks the doc how his friend was doing. Well, sir! He mighta lived if... you hadn't gut him! Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bigwind 0 #13 December 3, 2005 QuoteTwo good ol' boys were out deer hunting. One heard what he thought was a deer. He turned and shot. Waited awhile then, went over to see his kill. To his shock, it was his buddy! Some time later, after he had gotten his buddy to the hospital, the doc comes out and the hunter asks the doc how his friend was doing. Well, sir! He mighta lived if... you hadn't gut him! Chuck ************* tumble weed **************** Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #14 December 3, 2005 QuoteThe British are pretty clever. Do oyu know what the term "Beef Curtains" means to proper English persons? How about "Turtles Head"? Thanks to you, I now know that there is a website caled "turdwords.com". I can die happy. turd curtains turtles head. According to http://www.londonslang.com: turtles/tortoise head - to have the tortoise/turtles head is to need to defecate urgently, i.e. like a turtles head poking out ! e.g. "Quick, quick, I've got the turtles head !". British humor is one of those "love it or hate it" things. I've never thought it was all that funny, but to each his own. Rodney Dangerfield, OTOH, was the funniest man ever. edited to add: There was one really notable exception to British humor not seeming all that funny to me. The movie "Trainspotting" had me laughing so hard I was in serious pain! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BASE813 0 #15 December 3, 2005 QuoteThe British are pretty clever. Do oyu know what the term "Beef Curtains" means to proper English persons? How about "Turtles Head"? .... I am glad such an example of our humour was used to prove such a point, I having been trying to sum up the essence of my country..... you have convinced me of what it is.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #16 December 3, 2005 QuoteQuoteThe British are pretty clever. Do oyu know what the term "Beef Curtains" means to proper English persons? How about "Turtles Head"? .... I am glad such an example of our humour was used to prove such a point, I having been trying to sum up the essence of my country..... you have convinced me of what it is.... Now THAT is funny!!! Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
1969912 0 #17 December 3, 2005 QuoteQuoteThe British are pretty clever. Do oyu know what the term "Beef Curtains" means to proper English persons? How about "Turtles Head"? .... I am glad such an example of our humour was used to prove such a point, I having been trying to sum up the essence of my country..... you have convinced me of what it is.... Fuck, man. A whole bunch of enlish engineers came over here with BNFL to work on a project that I worked on. Funnier than hell. Got introduced to Viz magazine, Cockney rhyming slang, etc. Some good ones from Viz : "cough your filthy yogurt" "clapping fish" "Iggy popshot" "left-handed website" "Gusset typing" "tromboning" - the funniest one.. EDIT- just found a link to Roger's Profanisaurus: http://members.lycos.co.uk/Tim_Bracey/fun/rogers.htm "Once we got to the point where twenty/something's needed a place on the corner that changed the oil in their cars we were doomed . . ." -NickDG Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BASE813 0 #18 December 3, 2005 Quote Fuck, man. A whole bunch of enlish engineers came over here with BNFL to work on a project that I worked on. Funnier than hell. Got introduced to Viz magazine, Cockney rhyming slang, etc. Some good ones from Viz : "cough your filthy yogurt" "clapping fish" "Iggy popshot" "left-handed website" "Gusset typing" "tromboning" - the funniest one.. EDIT- just found a link to Roger's Profanisaurus: http://members.lycos.co.uk/Tim_Bracey/fun/rogers.htm [clap]...and that ladies and gentlemen is British Humour summed up in one easy post.... [clap] Think im off to slit my throat....... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kbordson 8 #19 December 3, 2005 Quote...and that ladies and gentlemen is British Humour summed up in one easy post.... Think im off to slit my throat....... So... share what might be your impression of the best of British Humor. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 7 #20 December 3, 2005 turtles/tortoise head - to have the tortoise/turtles head is to need to defecate urgently, i.e. like a turtles head poking out ! e.g. "Quick, quick, I've got the turtles head !". *** Here in Texas....that be called Prairie Doggin'!! ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RhondaLea 4 #21 December 3, 2005 QuoteThink im off to slit my throat....... Can I help? If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
davidlayne 5 #22 December 3, 2005 This is an example of British humour................ If the answer is "Infatuation, cunt!" what was the question? ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) A Pakistani goes into a fish and chip shop and asks "what do you fry your chips in?"I don't care how many skydives you've got, until you stepped into complete darkness at 800' wearing 95 lbs of equipment and 42 lbs of parachute, son you are still a leg! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sled14 0 #23 December 3, 2005 Heard this on a radio talk show, not PC but pretty funny Whats the difference between a microwave and a faggot? The microwave doesn't fart when you pull your meat out. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GrendelKhan 0 #24 December 3, 2005 Here's a great, if somewhat offensive, redneck classic..... "What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?" "Nothing, you already told her twice." Grendel Khan-The Official DZ.Com Newbie Forum Nuisance "They sicken of the calm, that know the storm." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CBRnick 0 #25 December 3, 2005 QuoteThe British are pretty clever. How about "Turtles Head"? Youll know right enough when you get one of those desperate 'touching cloth' moments :) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
