Ethical/Attraction question

[1969912 0]

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are you saying that the only women you can get is one with low self esteem? LOL



J/K but thats kinda of the type of thing that would probably end up in a WHY ME thing that i was refering to.

its best if they have a clear head about YOU and not just looking for ANYONE who listens

Honestly, I do have that problem to some extent, but not by intent. What I meant was that I have no interest in meddling in someone else's relationship; if a gal is involved with someone else, I have no interest in trying to "steal" her, possibly because I have a reasonable level of self esteem.

"Once we got to the point where twenty/something's needed a place on the corner that changed the oil in their cars we were doomed . . ."
-NickDG

[deltablue 0]

If it's just sex with her under those circumstances, sure.......

A relationship like that can be WAY WAY too complex to even try.

~He who looks outside his own heart dreams, he who looks inside his own heart awakens - Carl Jung~

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[RhondaLea 4]

Sometimes things just happen, but to actively pursue someone who is happily involved with another person is just...crummy.

Isn't that the kind of behavior we see in those who are just looking for another notch on the bedpost? Serial conquest, in other words?

Why would anyone want to inflict that kind of pain on another human being, when it's easily avoidable?

rl

If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

[swedishcelt 0]

Friendship with an involved person can sometimes be misinterpretted too. It's dangerous sometimes, and sometimes actions can be misinterpretted and misrepresented. In that case, ties need to be cut.

Actively pursuing someone in a really solid relationship is wrong. Actively pursuing someone in a new relationship is wrong too. Actively pursuing someone in a troubled relationship is also wrong. Actively pursuing someone in relationship and you know it's a relationship and he still hits on you is still wrong. If a person is dating someone else then people should leave them the f*ck alone. End of story. Right is right and wrong is wrong.

It's best to keep distance, or mentally force yourself to consign them/ force to stay in a friendship only/ brother to sister like relationship, even if they try otherwise; making it hard on you. Being honorable may suck sometimes but one has to do what is right, you look yourself in the mirror and no one else.

[Beverly 1]

Well said!!

I think true friendship is under-rated

Twitter: @Dreamskygirlsa

[gene723 0]

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if this is the kind of woman who will leave her live in fiancee, whom she is happy with, for some dude she just met, do i really want to date her?

I never understood the different reactions between a man and a women when it comes to situations as the above. There was this one movie "My Best Friend's Wedding" a while ago with Julia Roberts where a situation similar to the one we are talking about was the theme. Julia would pursue the relationship heatedly even though her best guy friend was planning to get married. Nearly all the guys I know, including myself, scorned the @#*# for trying to break up a relationship while all the girls I know praised J.Robert's character.

To the women, that degree of ..."love" for a guy was er..."touching" to them and that made the pursuit legitimate even at the cost of breaking up a happy couple.

The guys scorned her nonetheless. I've had one situation where a girl wanted to actively get out of her relationship during troubled times and err.."made things easy" to "be" with her but there was also in my mind the idea: she leaves her boyfriend so easily, why wouldn't she leave me just as easily? She didn't have any moral qualms either. I'm not sure if she thought it was legitimate because she no longer loved the guy she was with and wanted qualities of another person....-I wouldn't flatter myself with the idea of being as wanted by her to the same degree as the character in a movie.

Sorry for the long post. I guess but my question is this: ido girls consider it legitimate to break up a happy relationship if their "love" were impassioned enough?

[wmw999 2,534]

The closest you can reasonably come to letting them know about attraction is to say their (wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever) is a lucky person.

That'll get the point across, and acknowledge that the relationship is primary.

Don't give others an easy way to do the wrong thing. They might do the wrong thing, but don't make it be because of you.

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[rasmack 0]

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How would that affect your actions? Would you continue to pursue them?...

Interesting choice of word. What does it mean to "pursue" someone? Am I pursuing someone if I am simply playing the nice guy and by doing that is letting her know what she is missing out on? If that is pursuing then the only way not to pursue her would be to nok talk to her at all. That seems a bit boring to me...

HF #682, Team Dirty Sanchez #227
“I simply hate, detest, loathe, despise, and abhor redundancy.”
- Not quite Oscar Wilde...

[selbbub78 0]

I would just be a friend. I wouldn't go any farther than that. I've been put in that situation a couple of times in the last couple of months actually. It's tough, but if I like the person enough I'd want to at least be their friend.

CReW Skies,

"Women fake orgasms - men fake whole relationships" – Sharon Stone
"The world is my dropzone" (wise crewdog quote)
"The light dims, until full darkness pierces into the world."-KDM

[Morcyk 0]

my brain would tell me to back off cause i can't skydive with several broken bones, but the wow factor may cause me to take the risk anyway.

[2fat2fly 0]

My wife was dating someone when I first called her (she was a friend of my brother) I asked them both to lunch so that we could "catch up" . She showed up alone, it was a good sign

I am not the man. But the man knows my name...and he's worried

[Beverly 1]

If you have any intent to disrupt the relationship and cast doubt in the parties mind and risk hurting the other party and breaking up a relationship, then yes. It is bad.

It is a form of persuit.

Wait until the relationship is over.

I have had opportunities where there has been a connection, and did not act on them because I was involved. Now they are involved / married and we see eachother and just shrug. There will not be any hurt caused by me for them.

Remember : The wheel turns. Bad Karma. Bad Karma

I think true friendship is under-rated

Twitter: @Dreamskygirlsa

[namgrunt 0]

as aperson gets older there values change

sexual attraction changes also

where at 1 time you would do something as it was sooo important it later in life is not important

my wife and i have very few rules in our marrige

rule 1
if it will not be important 10 years from now..let it go

rule 2
do not go to bed mad or with something un said

rule 3
never ever holler,scream shout

rule4
no secrets..say it show it .do it

this from am old grump
married to a great loveing .kind woman

..

59 YEARS,OVERWEIGHT,BALDIND,X-GRUNT
LAST MIL. JUMP VIET-NAM(QUAN-TRI)
www.dzmemories.com

[SudsyFist 0]

There was a time when I idealistically thought that, whether it was the person in or outside the relationship developing the attraction, it's still cool to just be friends. The huge ass problem with that is, however, that you instantly make yourself greener grass. If you choose to stay friends with someone under those circumstances, then congratufuckinglations, you have now put yourself in the position of being a potentially huge catalyst in demise of that relationship.

I learned this the hard way. It's fucked up. It hurts people. And there's no way to take it back.

So I've got a new approach: if I become friends with a girl who's in a relationship, and either she or I start growing anything more than mild attraction for the other, I'M FUCKING HISTORY. Outy. Vapo. Gone with the wind. And I'm upfront about it, too, so there's no surprises.

EDIT: Spelling.

[jtval 0]

I wasn't trying to knock ya. I was goofing around. I'm glad you c\larified that b/c it did seound kinda odd,though.

( the same guy wtaht I work with who I mentioned in the striaght porno thread has another saying " what's the beast type of girl? one with low self esteem.


your original comment sounded kinda like that so I had to add my" 6 steps to kevin bacon" theory on your comment

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[metalslug 36]

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If you were to meet someone that you were very attracted to, physically, mentally, etc., that you respected and then you found out that they were in a relationship..

It depends on how you "found out". One lesson I've learned is to never trust the grapevine.
I once had the hots for someone but never mentioned it because others that knew her said she was in a committed relationship. Barely two weeks later she had dumped the guy for someone else, so clearly I had missed a potential window of oppertunity and someone else had stepped up.

[jumper03 0]

Well, I've been sitting here debating this for awhile, so what the hell - I've lived this scenario.

I met my ex-wife while we were both working on our masters degrees. We were both older students and therefore hung out as we had much more in common than with the other students. I attended a conference in Toronto one semester and while giving a poster presentation a grad student from another school came by and to say the least I was floored - I still remember the time on my watch, the 'feel' of the hall, all the questions she asked etc etc. I went to a talk she gave and was blown away by her presence, the way she handled the questions - physically she is the most beautiful person I have ever met....so after the talk, I'm prepared with a list of questions about her talk ending with would you like to get dinner? I asked my first question and noticed she had an engagement ring on...back off cowboy. So on the flight back I thought - maybe this is as good as it gets - maybe you will never find that person that lights your fire - you know if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with. So I propose to my ex when I get back.

Next chapter - I get to MIT, walk by one of the labs and am floored - I mean I literally had to grab a doorframe to keep from falling over - vividly remember that moment - there she was - she had been accepting to the same school, same program, same advisor..... but by now she was married.

we're both married now. We had the same classes, same research goals and it was tough. We spent a lot of time together in close quarters working through though problems and figuring out the mysteries of the universe.

Meantime, the marriage is turning sour. I never actively pursued her, but what it caused me to do was re-evaluate my earlier thought that good enough is good enough. My ex and I went to counseling - we worked through some difficult issues and finally realized that us staying together was not going to get each of us where we wanted to go. So we divorced amicably.

As for the dream girl - I never let on to her how I felt. She's still married (I guess) but I know now that good enough is not good enough. Marriage and life long commitment are things not to be taken lightly - only embark on that journey if both are ready to work and sacrifice for each other - only if two love each other equally. If there is any unbalance, it's going to spin out of control.

whew..... never thought I'd put that out in public

Scars remind us that the past is real

[lawrocket 3]

I guess it all comes down to right and wrong. In one sense, you really have no duty to the woman the guy is with. Who is she? You don't know, and therefore why should you care?

On the other hand, she is a person, too. And she would certainly have the right to feel wronged.

For me, I've never broken up a relationship. If someone is spoken for, she is off limits. Period. A nice and simple rule. Someone is maried but separated? This happened, and I was able to confirm that she actually had an open divorce case.

Rules are easiest when there is a clearly defined rule without gray areas. Gray areas lead to questions. I just see plenty of things as far more black and white than others. This has helped me prevent all kinds of skeletons in my closet.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[lawrocket 3]

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Am I pursuing someone if I am simply playing the nice guy and by doing that is letting her know what she is missing out on?

Great! People who have never tried heroin don't know what they're missing out on. Same with crack. My understanding is that both of them feel great! Crystal Meth? I hear it's fucking AWESOME!

Strangely, though, I don't find myself actively recruiting people to do any of these things because of the downside risks. I've been recruited to try all of them, but always declined. Sure, they may be a lot of fun and a swell time, and having never tried cocaine or heroin or meth, I don't know what I'm missing.

But there's that whole thought of "Hmmm. This might lead to something wholly unpleasant, and I'm not prepared to deal with that." that leads me to say the benefits aren't worth the risks. She's the single most attractive woman I ever met? But she's taken? Damn. I think I'd rather get to know the bf/fiance/husband so I can figure out how to land a gal like that.

Then again, they/re just my thoughts, and what I think is best for me ain't best for others.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[karenmeal 0]

Several people tried to give me advice..

I'm not looking for advice, just looking for opinions out of curiosity.

Personally, I feel that someone who doesn't respect the boundaries of someone else's relationship scores a big huge Z-E-R-O. Its rude to everyone involved, It's un-ethical, and its just ugly behavior.

When I was 18 and had never been in a serious relationship I did this sort of thing, pursuing guys who had girlfriends, and I regret it.

But now that I'm in a long-term happy relationship, I would hope that if anyone did have feelings for me that they would ignore them and either remove themselves from my life or be supportive of my relationship.

Anyways...


Back to school work.

-Karen

"Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham

[squink 0]

I backed right off.

But... That was b/c of extenuating circumstances. He was married, with two kids. I worked with him AND her. Became friends with her, baby-sat, and loved her kids.

The whole problem was the attraction. I have never been that strongly attracted to anyone, ever. He also wanted to pursue something with me, and tried for a year and a half. I'm proud to say I never crossed any lines.

I also didn't tell her about it, b/c her husband and kids were her whole world. It would've just gotten me in trouble even though he was the one pursuing things. I just kept telling him to fuck off, and left it at that.

I'm still friends with both of them to this day.

...the door was open

SKYDIVERGIRLS.COM

[1969912 0]

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I wasn't trying to knock ya. I was goofing around. I'm glad you c\larified that b/c it did seound kinda odd,though.

( the same guy wtaht I work with who I mentioned in the striaght porno thread has another saying " what's the beast type of girl? one with low self esteem.


your original comment sounded kinda like that so I had to add my" 6 steps to kevin bacon" theory on your comment

No offense taken. I now know what J/K means (duh!).
Your co-worker is correct, but only if you just want to have some fun. A real relationship with a person who has abnormally low self esteem can be a nightmare, unless its only for a few nights

"Once we got to the point where twenty/something's needed a place on the corner that changed the oil in their cars we were doomed . . ."
-NickDG

[diablopilot 2]

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Would you continue to pursue them?

No. But I have VERY strong feelings about cheats.

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Would it matter to you if they were very satisfied in their relationship vs. not so satisfied?

I might sugest that if they ever found themselves single, to look me up.

----------------------------------------------
You're not as good as you think you are. Seriously.

[Darius11 12]

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If you were to meet someone that you were very attracted to, physically, mentally, etc., that you respected and then you found out that they were in a relationship..

Simple i would not pursue it. I have zero respect for anyone who cheats no matter what his or her excuse might be.
I might tell them that I have feelings for them and if someday they are single we could start relationship/dating.

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Would it matter to you if they were very satisfied in their relationship vs. not so satisfied?

No. One most people only tell you their side of things when they are describing a relationship.
Two if you don’t like who you’re with leave get a divorce. If they can’t do that then what ever they say is bullshit.

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

[RhondaLea 4]

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Marriage and life long commitment are things not to be taken lightly - only embark on that journey if both are ready to work and sacrifice for each other - only if two love each other equally. If there is any unbalance, it's going to spin out of control.

We seem to be talking about a couple of different things in this thread.

Relationships up to marriage (or long-term cohabitation) are a testing ground for lifelong commitment. They give us the opportunity to find the right person.

The question was about pursuit. I've already answered that. The next part of it is that someone who is on their way out of a relationship is not the most stable of potential partners--although sometimes it works out okay.

But the answers I don't get--well, if you have two people who are attracted to each other, and they're both interested, even if one is in a relationship, then it either says something about the relationship or about the person in the relationship. (Best to find out which ahead of time.)

It's one thing not to hit on your best friend's girlfriend or boyfriend. I don't see, though, what anyone owes to a stranger whose relationship is clearly not working out.

The reason I picked your post to respond to is what you said about balance. It's a discussion I had with someone just recently, and one that I've had more than once over the years. And what you say is absolutely, unequivocally true.

So my question is, if you're attracted to another person and that person's relationship is not balanced, where's the wrong in testing the waters to see if there can be balance between the two of you?

We've all had our hearts broken, but nearly one hundred percent of the time, it's because we were with the wrong person for us. What is the impetus to stay with the wrong person when the right person comes along? And don't say that if we're with the wrong person, we should break it off and be alone until the right person comes along, because sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Sometimes it takes a cattle prod in the ass for someone to realize just how unbalanced and bad for them their relationship really is.

rl

If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb