Fellatio Rules

[NWFlyer 2]

Shamelessly stolen from Best of Craigslist
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/101715686.html

The chick who wrote this would fit in well on a DZ, methinks.

FELLATIO

Ah, sucking dick. For the penis owner, it's a wonderful thing. For the mouth owner, it can also be a wonderful thing. Getting off and hearing/making somebody get off are both awesome, and when it's done conscientiously, it will be remembered and cherished for many many masturbatory sessions to come. Heh. Come. I just made a pun there.

There are quite a few women, however, that have gone on a bit of a strike against the kind of gleeful and free head-giving days of yore. Often, I am confronted with angry males regarding this, and I always wind up giving the same advice. Here, you get it for free, and it's all anonymous and stuff. Put it into practice, and you'll be GOLDEN.

Boys:

1) Landscape, please. You see, while there are loads of women who depilate their crotchal regions by razor, epilady (*shudder*), hot wax, and Nair, not so many guys do the same thing unless their genitals are on display for the whole wide world to see. This must be stopped. I'm not saying that it should ALL go away, and I understand that shaving one's scrotum is an endeavour NOT to be taken lightly, but a little pruning of the hedges is a really good idea. You see, hair comes out of its follicles at some very inopportune times. Having one of those mile-long pubes stuck to the roof of the mouth waaay in the back of the throat can cause a bit of consternation and there's no beverage in the world that can dislodge that little fucker. Since the lovely noise of "HAAAAUUUUULK!!!! CHHHHHHHHHHHUUUULLLLLLAAAAAK!" tends to be less than sexy (and sometimes shatters the mood), do your part to prevent this type of hairball-horking. You'll find that if you prune the hedges a tad, your Area will get much more attention.

2) Unless requested, do NOT put your hands on the back of your partner's head and push. Ditto that for entwining the fingers in the hair and doing same. We like it when you touch us, and usually our heads are the only thing within reach. Touch our face, grab our hair, whatever you like. The second that you push our heads onto your cock, however, some of us may have flashbacks to Unpleasant Experiences, and it may even be bad enough to cause us to put a stop to that fabulous suckjob you were just enjoying. Granted, if she says she wants you to throatfuck her, you go right ahead. But again, this is a *specific request*. If it is not made, just play nice and enjoy the ride.

3) A little warning, please! When you are going to shoot your load, it is The Law Of The Land that you inform us. If you do not, you risk being fired, being snowballed, or having other unspeakable things done to you. (Also, it is especially important that you do NOT shove the back of our head when you make this announcement. REALLY fucking important. Got it, Chief?) Talk to god or the FSM, say your partner's name in that sexy "oh-holy-shit" voice, but Let. Us. Know. It gives us time to decide if we're going to want it in our mouth, on our tits, in our hair, or shooting across the room to see if you can hit the wall this time. And it's polite.

4) It's NOT a Fine White Wine. A lot of boys talk to me about the fact that nobody ever wants to let the ejaculate in their mouth. "Why not???", they whinge. I'll tell you. The diet of the average penis-owner is fucking wretched, especially should you happen to be American as well. High sodium, loads of red meat and coffee, and just not nearly enough potassium. Your partner won't let you come in their mouth? Do yourself a favour, killer. Next time you're throwing the Spam Javelin and you get some shpoo on your hand, have a nice lick. (This only makes you gay if you lick somebody *else's* blooge, not your own. You're performing a scientific experiment. If it makes you feel better, say out loud in your best Dexter voice, "It's a BEEYOOTEEful day for science!") As a matter of fact, I double DOG dare you to do it. Now, would you want to give a mouthful of THAT to somebody who's being nice enough to you that they're going to suck your dick? Really. So...cut down on the salt intake, go for the chicken for a while, and no coffee. Have some nice pineapple juice, a ham steak, bananas. Potassium is the friend of the semen. If you're lacking, so will your taste be. Instead of the usual Bleach & Oyster Stew, serve up something a little less vile. Your partner will thank you for it.

5) No matter where you came, kiss us afterwards. Unless your partner says, "omg no way lemme rinse first where's the goddamn Listerine???" and starts singing Tarzan Boy as they run to the bathroom, you should be polite enough to give us a hearty Thank You kiss for a job well done. I mean, after YOU get done with US, the first thing you do is come up to the surface and shove your tongue down our throat. Let us do the same to you. Fair's fair.

Girls:

1) How many times do we have to tell you NO FUCKING TEETH ALREADY!!!??? I don't even think I should have to elaborate, but I keep hearing about egregious ignorance of this rule. You don't want somebody to chew on YOUR special bits, do you??? Stop it. It's not nice. You learned in preschool that biting is bad. Now that you're an adult, you should know that not ALL biting is bad, but that biting peepees is still totally against the rules. You don't wish to get a reputation as The Shredder, do you? Then sheathe those fucking things already. Jebus!

2) Testicles. They want your attention. It's RUDE that you don't give it to them. There they are, innocently hangin' there, conveniently placed, and you ignore them??? Now come on. They won't hurt you! They're hearing all sorts of good things about you from their friend the penis. Why are you going to leave them out of your reindeer games??? Give them a little fondle with your hand (y'know, the one that's NOT wrapped around the penis or gripping your partner's incredibly fabulous ass), show them around the inside of your mouth, batter them a little bit with your tongue! See? It's fun! And oh, the noises you'll get out of your partner! Woohoo!

3) Know your limits. If you can't deep throat and you KNOW this, then don't even try to show off. Especially not in a first encounter. It will go very badly. If it's a skill that you wish to learn, and you have a willing study partner, then by all means coat the bed in plastic and go to town! However, it's only polite to NOT attempt those tricks at home that you've seen performed by hardly trained professionals. Gagging is only hot when both people are going for that, and not too many folks are into being puked on. Remember, I'm not talking about pros, here. I'm talking about civillians, people who DON'T give blowjobs for a living. Don't choke on the cock. Stomach acid can sting, and vomiting on an unsuspecting partner is definitely giving more than anyone bargained for.

4) Oh, stop making that face. If you don't want to be giving head in the first place, then you should say so and find another way to get him off. If you encouraged him to come in your mouth, then you are only allowed a slight grimace at the taste as you swallow (and point your face down, please, so he doesn't get a complex about it). After that, of course, you may begin singing Tarzan Boy and run for the Listerine, but until that point, play nice. You wouldn't want him to make a face like that after he'd just eaten YOU, would you? You'd probably go right home and cry, wouldn't you?

5) It's not indestructible. It's a penis. A part of the anatomy. Sometimes it'll have some foreskin, in which case, you need to be REALLY GODDAMN CAREFUL because the head is going to be about a million times more sensitive than the crew-neck brigade, because it's not been rubbed by boxer shorts, jeans, and every other damn thing under the sun. Feel how soft the skin is? It wants to be treated somewhat gently. There's all that blood in there making it swollen, and the nerve endings are on Orange Alert. If he wants something a bit rougher, he'll let you know. Also, you can gradually get more enthusiastic with your ministrations as the BJ goes on, but you should be listening carefully for ANY clue that what you're doing might be painful. If you're not sure what else to do, hum or moan with his cock inside your mouth. It's sometimes called "a hummer" for a reason, and the vibrations are soothing in a lovely sort of way.

BOTH OF YOU: Communication is key. Talk. Tell your partner what you want, or how much you really like what they're doing, or something else you'd love for them to do if you need to distract them from an action that isn't working for you. Look each other in the eye (well, as much as you can from that angle without giving yourself an eyeball cramp). It's hot. Totally.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[GTAVercetti 0]

This is a key point for me:

2) Testicles. They want your attention. It's RUDE that you don't give it to them. There they are, innocently hangin' there, conveniently placed, and you ignore them??? Now come on. They won't hurt you! They're hearing all sorts of good things about you from their friend the penis. Why are you going to leave them out of your reindeer games??? Give them a little fondle with your hand (y'know, the one that's NOT wrapped around the penis or gripping your partner's incredibly fabulous ass), show them around the inside of your mouth, batter them a little bit with your tongue! See? It's fun! And oh, the noises you'll get out of your partner! Woohoo!

Why yes, my license number is a palindrome. Thank you for noticing.

[nate_1979 9]

I disagree... I have found that women tend to hurt me when they try going after the testicles.. unless they know what they are doing stay away.!

and that teeth thing.. sheesh!

FGF #???
I miss the sky...
There are 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who don't.

[GTAVercetti 0]

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I disagree... I have found that women tend to hurt me when they try going after the testicles.. unless they know what they are doing stay away.!

and that teeth thing.. sheesh!

Well no shit dude. It doesn't say BITE the testicles. It just says attention. I make it point to let her know what I want done and what I DON'T want done.

Why yes, my license number is a palindrome. Thank you for noticing.

[The_Don 0]

That was awsome. Hope i get to meet you at a dz some time. I'll give ya hug & buy you a beer ..

I am NOT being loud.
I'm being enthusiastic!

[livendive 8]

Has there ever been a post more deserving of being made sticky?

Blues,
Dave

"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!"
(drink Mountain Dew)

[NWFlyer 2]

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Has there ever been a post more deserving of being made sticky?

Blues,
Dave

I agree! Rule #5 for the boys alone should be a sticky. In fact I'll repost it here just so you guys know the rule:

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5) No matter where you came, kiss us afterwards. Unless your partner says, "omg no way lemme rinse first where's the goddamn Listerine???" and starts singing Tarzan Boy as they run to the bathroom, you should be polite enough to give us a hearty Thank You kiss for a job well done. I mean, after YOU get done with US, the first thing you do is come up to the surface and shove your tongue down our throat. Let us do the same to you. Fair's fair.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[NWFlyer 2]

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That was awsome. Hope i get to meet you at a dz some time. I'll give ya hug & buy you a beer ..

Well, I can't take credit for having written it (though I agree with it wholeheartedly!). But I'll take that hug and beer anyway.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[wildcard451 0]

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Quote

Has there ever been a post more deserving of being made sticky?

Blues,
Dave

I agree! Rule #5 for the boys alone should be a sticky. In fact I'll repost it here just so you guys know the rule:

Quote

5) No matter where you came, kiss us afterwards. Unless your partner says, "omg no way lemme rinse first where's the goddamn Listerine???" and starts singing Tarzan Boy as they run to the bathroom, you should be polite enough to give us a hearty Thank You kiss for a job well done. I mean, after YOU get done with US, the first thing you do is come up to the surface and shove your tongue down our throat. Let us do the same to you. Fair's fair.

Um, no. I don't give a kiss rght afterwards I've gone down in here unless she obviously wants a kiss. Last thing I want is to taste my baby batter. That rule can go to hell.

[Erroll 80]

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Has there ever been a post more deserving of being made sticky?

Blues,
Dave

You don't think it is sticky enough already?

[airtwardo 7]

Since no mention of rules on the subject were made...perhaps I could interject a couple of additional guidelines.

~ "The Ole Double Knuckle Finger Wave"

Ladies, if your personal fashion statement includes nine inch acrylic nails with the little stars & moons glues to 'em...DON'T be plugging and holes!

And if you do decide to venture into deep "Space...the final frontier...to boldly go where (hopefully) no man has gone before"
You may want to knock on the door a few times out of politeness...let 'em "know you're there and are coming in" ...so to speak.

Nothing ruins a dinner party faster than a S.W.A.T team busting in the door with a 'No Knock' warrant!
Give your host a little time to prepare. Most guys aren't all that accustom to handling 'inbound traffic'
...and certain logistical preparations must be made.

AND!
When you decide it's time to leave the 'friendly confines' ...please do so in a 'slow & orderly' manner.
You're not last in the stick on a 20 way...you've got time...plan and institute a 'Tactical Withdrawal'

The "Plow & Pull" method creates an imbalance of internal air pressure causing our ears to pop!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[diverds 0]

Oh Twardo....

-Dave

Skydive Radio

[missg8tordivr 0]

That was a great post, thank you for getting me through my morning with a smile on my face. Although, it doesn't help that I am now horney and sitting at work.

***
F LORIDA!

[Ashtanga 0]

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Although, it doesn't help that I am now horney and sitting at work.

Fuck the mail boy.

[missg8tordivr 0]

[Reply ]

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Although, it doesn't help that I am now horney and sitting at work. [Blush][Tongue]

Fuck the mail boy. [Unimpressed]

[Ashtanga 0]

Fuck the receptionist.

[missg8tordivr 0]

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Fuck the receptionist. [Unimpressed ]

This is a penis thread...I am craving penis right now, not bush

Plus, she is married.

***
F LORIDA!

[Ashtanga 0]

There has to be a penis in your office somewhere.

[hobbes4star 0]

bwaaahhhh i love craigs list best of.

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?

[freeflir29 0]

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I agree! Rule #5 for the boys alone should be a sticky.

I'm down with that. Just give me the same courtesy that I give chicks. I won't kiss you after giving you oral without wiping my mouth first. Do the same for me.

[bdbrown 0]

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Fuck the receptionist. [Unimpressed ]

This is a penis thread...I am craving penis right now, not bush

Plus, she is married.

Can I try out for the team
I'm craving using my penis

--------------------------------------------------

[jeiber 0]

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and that teeth thing.. sheesh!

I swear every friggin' time I get raked by teeth; and girls don't understand why I'd rather just give than receive. It's just not worth it... if they can't do it right, I'd rather them not do it at all.

A few years ago, I actually had a girl intentionally use her teeth, and then said, 'what? you don't like that?'. Idiot...

On a positive note, when you ladies do it right, it's a beautiful thing! Especially when there's nothing to clean up!
Jeff

Shhh... you hear that sound? That's the sound of nobody caring!

[eBeran 0]

I'd like to add this one for the girls:

Stiff lip: You've got lips babeh, use them. 'Stiff lipping' can feel good, but nothing's better than a relaxed pair of wet lips wrapped around man sausage.

I agree with pretty much everything else, so...w00t!

*edit*

oh, and biting...that's hot!...but movement while biting...not good. (bite it like you would a bone, not a hotdog)

[simplyputsi 0]

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Fuck the receptionist. [Unimpressed ]

This is a penis thread...I am craving penis right now, not bush

Parking at the air port............ $10
Last minute ticket to Florida.....$650
Having your frustrations/and hers relieved, because you read a fellatio thread, by a complete stranger who shares at least one thing in common with you

PRICELESS!!!

for everything else there is KY Jelly.
Master the possibilities

Skymama's #2 stalker -

[ryno1972 0]

So answer me this question, my wife used to worship the ivory shaft all the time, without asking, coersion, having to get totally shit-faced etc. When we were dating, she would just do the wonderful deed whenever, and she seemed to enjoy it. I still enjoy going down on her and do so all the time, without asking etc.
Now, however, it seems like it is a chore. She usually mentions something like, "this had better not take long" blah blah blah.....

What the F#$K is UP!!!
I want to scream, and now I want a BJ

glad to be here!!