Rules for Guys (funny)

[ramon 0]

Don't hate me ladies, I'm just the messenger..bu the way what are you doing in 20 minutes?

The point of these rules and regulations is to get laid for less money, and to teach women how men think. These rules are not designed to get you a girlfriend or a wife, or to keep either. BUT, if that is your goal, there is still something to be gleaned from the following information.


Dating:

- Three strikes, you're out.
This means that if a woman does not give up the pussy inside of 3 dates, you're out. There are far too many women out there that do fuck inside of three dates for you to waste your valuable time on the ones that dont.

- $40 limit.
No date should cost you more than $40 for everything (gas, parking, food, drinks, shows, tips, everything). This is to prevent you from falling into the trap of thinking that if you spend enough money on her, shell put out. Lets face it, if she wants to fuck you, she'll do it without you spending a cent. But if she doesnt want to fuck you, no amount of money spent will change her mind. Keeping that in mind, $40 is your limit, less is better and if you can get her to pay, you're a pimp.

- Dates happen at night.
Do not accept lunch dates or coffee dates as they are designed to preclude the possibility of sex. If sex isn't an option, why the hell are you there?

- A round of drinks.
Women that don't drink are far less likely to put out. Society has taught women two things about sex.
1) Being easy is bad.
2) Saying I was drunk is an acceptable excuse for being easy.
Note: I do not recommend getting a woman drunk in order to fuck her. I am simply saying that by insuring that she has a few drinks you have provided her the necessary excuse to fuck.

- Be in touch with your inner A-hole. No, this does not read Be an Asshole. Being in touch with your inner A-hole is simply leveling the playing field. Refusing to do something for someone just because they dont have a dick. Examples: Dont open a door for her unless you get to it first, and you have the right to expect her to do the same. Dont offer to buy her a drink as a pick up line. (god that is so weak and it never works) Dont buy her things (flowers, candy, stuffed toys etc). Dont loan her your coat. And by all means, NEVER hold her purse.

- Sometimes dates go south on you, its just a fact of life. Once you realize that is what has happened, dont bother trying to recover the date, but theres no reason not to go for the gold. Just say to her;Look, I know tonight isnt going well. So what do you say we just go fuck, and then move on with our lives? Odds are low on this one but the risk is almost non-existent. Youre not gonna see her again anyway, so its totally cool if she hates you, and if you don't pull the trigger, theres zero chance youre gonna get laid. Think of it as a free shot on goal.


Tips for getting in touch with your inner A-hole:

- Eating a full meal before you go out allows you to order very little for dinner. ill just have a side salad, thank you. Since women are so concerned about how they appear in public, its seriously unlikely that she will order more than you. This helps to keep the dinner bill down. Of course, youll need an excuse for only ordering a salad, try: Im trying to eat a bit more healthy so il look good for you.

- Coupons are great, use them. Due to the fact that women are generally gold diggers, if she sees you using a coupon, she will find you less attractive as it indicates you dont have the money that she is looking to siphon off of your wallet. So when you get the bill, you dont pay at the table, you take the bill and the coupon, to the register and pay there.

- Men and women are not friends unless one or more of the following conditions are met.
- He is gay.
- She is unattractive.
- Sex is a forgone conclusion.
To a woman, a male friend is a guy that provides the attention she desires, but has no right to expect anything in return. That being the case, under NO circumstances are you allow a woman think you are her friend. It is up to you to let her know that you have enough friends and that you are interested in her in a romantic sense only. If she insists that you are friends, then stop calling her.

- The bar is the most expensive place in the world to drink, and its a difficult place to actually fuck. So, try to keep your number of drinks in a bar to a minimum. Youre excuse for not drinking is that you want to get her home safe. Then you offer to take her back to your place for drinks. Remember, this requires that you have chick drinks at your place. Jagermeister, Goldschlager, Rumplemintz, Vodka, Canberry Juice and OJ should cover it, but keeping a bottle of white wine on hand is a good idea (most women cant drink red wine) but make sure you have wineglasses. Of course, youll need to have whatever you drink on had as well.

- Being a bit unreliable boosts your stock. Im not sure why this is, but I think women generally associate unreliability with the bad boy image and it makes them desire you. So, cancel a few dates, and cancel them as late as possible, like a few hours before the agreed upon meeting time. For the dates you show up for, show up 15 to 20 minutes late.

- If a woman begins to carry on a conversation on her cell phone while on a date with you, you can assume shes setting up another date for later in the night. In other words, youre footing the bill to provide her with a nice evening, and some other guy (probably me) is gonna get laid for your effort. So, if she begins to carry on a conversation on her phone, quietly excuse yourself and leave. When the two of you are out, you get to be number one, and if she cant give you that respect, you need to quite wasting your time and money. She can pay for dinners once she realizes youre gone.

- Women love to mark their territory. This is why women leave hair clips, earrings, underwear and tampons behind once theyve spent the night. Gather all of these things up, and place them in a lost and found box. Whenever a woman asks if youve seen her scrunchy you simply tell her to check in the lost and found.

- Dont cuddle. Once you are done, one of you needs to leave. Cuddling leads to sleeping, sleeping leads to waking up with her, which leads to her thinking that you owe her brunch. Be very clear about this, and enforce it.

- Friday and Saturday nights are for women that you have a good chance for fucking. First dates should take place on other nights of the week.

- You are not available to help them. (move, re-arrange the house, program the VCR, fix their car, etc)

- Ask her what her preferred form of birth control is. If she doesnt use one (a condom doesnt count) then you must assume she wants to get pregnant. Time to bail.

- If youre under 25, you dont need a girlfriend, you need to go and date more women so that you know what kinds of women are out there, and what kind works best for you. Until that is done, youre not qualified to determine who is the right woman for you.


No-nos:

- Never date a single mother. The reason for this is threefold.
1) You already know what she will do in the event she gets pregnant.
2) A woman with a kid is unavailable. You cant call her at 1 am and say whatcha doing?
3) The #1 spot is already taken, and there is no chance that you can get it. Youre good enough to be #1 so shes beneath you.

- Never fuck without a condom.
Let me say that again, Never fuck without a condom. No matter how much she says, I just want to feel you dont fuck her without a condom. But, thats not enough. When you finish, you must dispose of the condom properly. At her house you flush it. At your house you keep a bottle of Tabasco in the bathroom and you put two drops in the condom, and throw it away. (you dont want to stop up your own plumbing with condoms)

- NEVER answer your phone on a Friday or Saturday night. These are prime dating nights and you must appear to be busy, whether or not you are. This is what an answering machine is for. That way you can screen your calls and pick up if its a buddy. Voicemail is a no-no.

- Never call a girl back the next day. 5 days is the industry standard, and longer is better. This keeps you from being needy and makes you more attractive as you clearly have other things going on in your life.

- Never pay a woman a real compliment on her appearance as it builds up her ego, and is likely to make her feel she can do better than you. Instead, you pay them backhanded compliments designed to attack their self-esteem. Examples: I like a woman with a big ass, Most guys dont like little boobs, but I think they look great on you, I like a little meat on my woman. You get the idea.

- NEVER let a woman think she is the only one. I dont know why it is, but when women ask So, are you seeing anyone? Guys tend to immediately blurt out No, not me, Im just dating you! I dont know why guys do this, but its shooting yourself in the foot. Let her know that she is in competition. Nobody wants to eat in an empty restaurant, and a competitive woman is an attentive woman.

- Any woman that says she only has guy friends is a problem. You can fuck her, but dont even consider dating her.

- Never date a woman you work with. When the relationship ends, you will have to see her everyday. And if it ends poorly, your job is at risk. Its just not worth it.

- Never go with a woman to a concert or show where one of her friends is performing. Youre just along so that she doesnt have to be alone, and shes going to fuck him tonight, not you.


Tips for getting dates:

- Attempting to pick women up at bars is hard work, and a low odds proposition. Instead, approach women when they are not quite so prepared to say No. I find that asking women out in an assertive manner yields far better results. Examples: When pumping gas, look around, if you see an attractive woman, ask her out. When shopping, keep you eyes open. The key is, you have to pull the trigger. By being that assertive you are coming across as a self-confident man, and that makes you more attractive.

- Never give out your number, and never ask for hers. If she wants to contact you again, she will insure that happens.

- If you do find yourself approaching a woman at a bar, DO NOT buy her a drink. If you cant make first contact without bearing gifts, you need to work on your game.

- Dont try to chat her up, be direct and to the point. Would you like to go out Thursday night?How about we get out of here? Would you like to come back to my place for a night cap? etc.

- Look more affluent than you are.

- Feel free to lie about what you do in order to appear more affluent. Im an entertainment attorney for Brad Pitt and Lil Kim This works even better if you can call Brad at home. (Make sure to discuss this with your buddy BEFORE you call asking for Brad

- When considering a woman to run game on, you are looking for 2 factors. How attractive is she, and how is her self-esteem. If these two factors are expressed on a scale from one two 10 (10 being high) they can then be expressed as a ratio; (Level of attractiveness) / (Level of self-esteem). The resultant number dictates how your level of interest in her. Shall we do an example?

You start talking to a hot girl at the bar. While talking to her you discover that shes concerned about her weight. (Level of attractiveness) / (Level of self-esteem) = 9/3 = 3 Not bad, but we can do better.
A hot girl that will talk to you, but not look up from the floor = 9/2 = 4.5 Now were talking!
A super model that was raped by her uncle as she was growing up = 10/1 = 10 Hell yeah!


Things you should know about women:

- If a woman says youre a nice guy, or a friend she is not going to fuck you.

- Women dont know how to say No. So, anytime a woman says;Maybe, Well see, we can talk about it, or Ill think about it, it means No.

- Women are the cheapest creatures on the face of the planet. (Why else are they gold diggers?)

- As a rule, the more attractive a woman is, the lower her self-esteem is. Remember, we are looking for women whose self-esteem is so low, that she will even fuck you.

- Women are like dog shit, the older they are, the easier they are to pick up.


For the Ladies:

- When we ask you out, its not because we think you did well on your SAT. We are asking you out because we want to fuck the hell out of you. So stop pretending that we like you as a person when we dont even know you.

- The longer you hold out, the lower our interest level goes. Think about it. We meet you at a party. We spend the evening talking to you. Through our conversation we discover that you are very cool and interesting. Obviously we find you attractive, or we wouldnt be talking to you in the first place (exclusions made for very drunk conversations) As the night comes to a close we take you home where you promptly fuck our brains out.

Now, heres the question; Do you really think we get up the next morning and think to ourselves Well, shes hot, shes cool, shes interesting, but I cant date her because she fucked me when I wanted her to?

Ladies, ITS NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!!!
If we dont call you back, its because we dont like you. Hell, if youre a good enough lay, we might even call you back when we dont like you. Fucking us only improves your odds of a call back. Holding out makes you less attractive. Which is your preference? (No, there are no other options)

- When youre in bed with a guy, and hes not doing something right, dont just take it, and dont just avoid it. Tell us what the fuck you want. This may come as a surprise to you, but the same shit you dont like, was exactly what last nights girl loved. Newsflash; youre all fucking different and unless you tell us what you like, we dont have a fucking clue and were just running through our bag of tricks hoping to get lucky. Next time, you tell us what to suck, where to suck, how hard to suck, and for how long. Trust me, were okay with that.

- We know you like to fuck, and we know that you are conflicted by some antiquated rule that your mothers taught you, Something about, its not acceptable for you to just want to fuck. Trust me on this one, its totally okay for you to want to fuck, and we will help you out.

- When it comes to picking up a guy, its really easy, all you have to do is communicate clearly. Damn, Im sorry, I forgot who I was talking to. Okay, here is what you do. You find a guy and repeat this line to him:

Hi, I find you attractive and I would like to take you home.

I promise that you wont have to say this line to more than two guys before you have what you want. You dont think so? Fine, try it, then email me at ihatejt@hotmail.com and tell me how wrong I am.

- Guys are very simple. When were thirsty, we want a drink; when were hungry, we want to eat; when were tired, we want to sleep; and when were horny, we want to fuck. Is that really so damn hard?

- Guys think that women who expect us to pay for dinners, drinks, movies, clubs, etc before you go down on us, are whores. We know this because we have had girls fuck us because they wanted to, not because we bought them off.

- Your pussy is no better than the one we had last night, so stop thinking youre special.

- This is an important, so read this carefully.
It is very rare that a guy goes out looking for a relationship. This is just how we are different from you. This is how it works for us: We go out and date women. As we go about this we meet lots of different women, some we like, some not so much. The odds are that eventually we come across a woman that we really enjoy being around. Because of that we seek to spend more time with her. By definition, the more time we spend with her, the less time we have available to spend with other women. And then, one day, we wake up and realize we have a girlfriend.
What does this mean to you? Simple, it means that the best way to get a boyfriend is by being so cool, so good in bed, so fun, so sexy, so attractive that we want to spend more time with you. If you find that guys dont really want to spend that kind of time with you, it may be because you Cant Understand Normal Thinking. Consider making drastic changes.

- If youre gonna wear short skirts and low cut tops, expect us to look and dont bitch about it when a guy you dont find attractive stairs at your titties. Youre advertising in public, and the public is going to take notice, so shut up about it.

- YOU are responsible for your own orgasms. If youre not getting off, check yourself before you blame us. Sure, some guys are so bad, they cant get the job done, but lets face it, when youre laying on your back and were pumping away, youre not doing a lot for us, were doing all the work. So dont be shocked when we bust a nut and youre left wanting. Get your shit together and make sure you get yours.


Worse case scenario:
So, you slipped on by the goalie and you knocked her up. That sucks donkey dick. Before you take another breath you need to come to a very harsh realization: Women are the only ones that get to make a decision about making you a parent, you will be forced to fund it. So, what do you do?
Here are a few options.

- The straight shot.
Simply tell her that youre not ready to be a father and you would like her to get an abortion. When you do this you had better know damn well where to go, when it can be done, and how much it costs.

- The scare.
Borrow a young baby, and let her take care of it for 48 hrs during a workweek.

- The Hail Mary
Become her idea of a perfect boyfriend. Then let her know that you love her and that you want to have children with her, but that you want to do it right. You dont want to have to explain to your kid why it was born less than 9 months after the wedding. You dont even know where you can get a maternity wedding dress. Youre parents wont approve. Her parents wont approve.
BUT If the two of you wait until your careers are more established, you own a house and you can afford to do it right, then the two of you can have children.

If this works, take her down, get the abortion, and break up with her on the way home. You already know how she feels about having a kid and you dont need that shit in your life.

Now lets say none of the above works and she decides to have the child anyway. First and foremost, DO NOT do theright thing and marry her. You didnt want the kid in the first place, marrying her wont make it better. You must still dump the bitch and never fuck her again (see the single mother rule). Next thing you do, is you DO NOT sign anything relating to being the childs parent until the child has had a DNA test (the hospital will pressure you for this). It has been said that up to 30% of the men paying child support are paying for children they didnt father. That being the case, you must get the DNA test done in order to check if you are indeed the father. If you sign anything saying you are the father, you have just established paternity, and you would have to have a separate court hearing to disestablish paternity before you can get out of child support. Heres the catch, most courts wont hear these cases, so you can never disestablish paternity, and you will be paying child support for a kid that isnt yours.
Note: If you are not in good standing with the mother when the child is born, you wont know when it happens, and she will be allowed to establish paternity for you. Dont let that happen, make damn sure everyone in the hospital knows that you think you may be the father of the baby, and give them your contact info. If they can reach you, she is not allowed to establish paternity for you.

"Revolution is an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.", Ambrose Bierce.

[nws01 0]

Can you post the cliff notes now?

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[Canuck278 0]

I like your views dude.....the 3 date rule is a well known fact hell when i was 21 it was usually a 3 min rule.. Also here is a good way to find out just what kind of girl you are with......I used it all the time. The first time you pick her up (assuming you have a car......because if ya don't your probablly not on a dtae to begin with) Open her door first for her...this will make you seem like a kind and gentle person without the need of looking pathetic....then as you walk around to your side of the car I.E driver's side you should expect that you will arrive to find your door unlocked....because if you opened her door and she didn't have to forethought to reach over and open yours.....she is only looking out for herself...carry on with the date...nail her...but for god's sake don't DATE her!
"Careful? I don't need to be careful.....I got a gun"

[scottbre 0]

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Also here is a good way to find out just what kind of girl you are with......I used it all the time.

A Bronx Tale.

"Your mother's full of stupidjuice!"
My Art Project

[TEB6363 0]

Damn that was long. I got lost after the 5th or 6th point. At that rate, I'll never get laid. Wait, I'm married, that means that I just won't get laid that often

Once the plane takes off, you're gonna have to land - Might as well jump out!!

[dove 0]

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- A round of drinks.
Women that don't drink are far less likely to put out. Society has taught women two things about sex.
1) Being easy is bad.
2) Saying I was drunk is an acceptable excuse for being easy.
Note: I do not recommend getting a woman drunk in order to fuck her. I am simply saying that by insuring that she has a few drinks you have provided her the necessary excuse to fuck.

Not so fast there funny man! I will have a few drinks every once in awhile - but more often I don't drink at all. Precisely for the reason that if I do get some action I wanna really GET SOME ACTION. I don't want to be all loopy, sloppy and dazed. I know what I want, I want it often and I want it GOOD! Really HOT, rowdy, sober sex is fan-fuckin-tastic!

dove

[kingbunky 3]

...but you're a skydiving chick and therefore much less prone to typical female bullsh!t than a whuffo chick.

"Hang on a sec, the young'uns are throwin' beer cans at a golf cart."
MB4252 TDS699
killing threads since 2001

[TEB6363 0]

Damn Dove, You're killing us old guys!!!

Once the plane takes off, you're gonna have to land - Might as well jump out!!

[quade 4]

I realize you didn't write it, but that's SERIOUSLY NOT FUNNY.

quade -
The World's Most Boring Skydiver

[jtval 0]

I agrre quade I couldnt force myself to read that crap after a few paragraph's.
funny if goerge carlin was doing it in a skit but I think I missed the set-up one this one?

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[ramon 0]

I thought the abortion stuff was off kilter, but I thought the dating stuff was funny, so there.

Nothing but serious subject matter discussed here like 'quantum tunneling', 'bingham plastic shear', 'gravity wave detection', 'boobies', 'piercings' and 'beer'.

It's Friday lighten up..most of us don't take any crap posted here seriously.

ramon

"Revolution is an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.", Ambrose Bierce.

[jtval 0]

no seriousness here (not offended ) but I missed the set up... When i read that in a goerge carlin voice it was funny...but he's a bastard.(that why I like him)

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[hobbes4star 0]

what do you mean "most people don't take any crap posted here seriously"

i take everything that is posted her as gosspel

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?

[quade 4]

Well, the real set-up for this post would actually have to be the book The Rules.

However, I also find that particular book sort of offensive. The difference being that this was intended to be a joke and just wasn't funny.

Their book is supposed to be serious advice and is seriously stupid.

BTW, I think the abortion stuff isn't just off-kilter, it's off the scale.

quade -
The World's Most Boring Skydiver

[FliegendeWolf 0]

---

However, I also find that particular book sort of offensive. The difference being that this was intended to be a joke and just wasn't funny.
Their book is supposed to be serious advice and is seriously stupid.

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[#003366]That's the big problem. Stupid people read this shit, take it seriously, and that's how women end up getting raped.[/#003366]

A One that Isn't Cold is Scarcely a One at All

[RastaRicanAir 0]

Who's got time to read all that?!
More to the point who's got time to think it up and write it down?!!!


.......Someone who's NOT getting laid.

Always consider your sources.

OrFunV/LocoBoca Rodriguez/Sonic Grieco/Muff Brother #4411
-"and ladies....messin with Robbie is venturing into territory you cant even imagine!-cuz Robbie is

[popsjumper 2]

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...
That's the big problem. Stupid people read this shit, take it seriously, and that's how women end up getting raped.[/#003366]

Whoa.....kinda far out there aren't ya'?

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239