Hipwrddude 0 #1 August 23, 2005 Thesis: Domesticated Cats Have Enslaved Human Owners Yesterday the dean of the department told me that my doctoral thesis was rejected. I argued that cats are smarter then humans because cats are always on vacation while their supposed masters, humans, must always work! If I had the opportunity, I would turn to the wilderness, I would seek justice, I would … (dream sequence) Your honor, I petition the court of the Animal Kingdom for grievance and redress against the outrageous conduct of domesticated cats! Cats are on vacation all the time! All other animals must work. Dogs bark, fetch and dig while cats fart around lounging and sashaying about in their privileged existence of constant leisure! It’s not fair! Cats don’t do jack and get away with it! It’s an outrage! As evidence, please direct your attention to Exhibit 1: lifestyle of the domesticated cat. [A harp plays] Self-bathed, Friskies fed, adored and worshipped by humans, they are expected to do nothing and accomplish nothing, except maybe, snag an occasional mouse…at their leisure of course. Exhibit 2: All other animals (Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries] --gerbils and hamsters run on circular treadmills till exhaustion; birds chirp and perform, fish are forced to live in dirty aquariums, coexist with different harmful species, but not the fabled cat. Cats live [harp plays] in a stress-free world. Not like you or I or every other animal in the animal kingdom. Your honor, I protest! I turn to the jury. Has a cat ever done anything for you? No! To an animal, No! They never complain about not getting enough of the blanket. Have you ever seen a cat holding an I.O.U.? Have you ever seen a cat in counseling? When has a cat ever complained about bills? Huh? Silence? That’s right, because it’s never! But everyone’s heard a dog whimper. Cats are dastardly manipulators! They cheapen us by purring—it’s just a ploy I tell you, a ploy for human owners to give up the affection, give up the lovin’, give it up, give it up, give it up, give it all to the cat! If they don’t get it, cats take two steps at a time on opposing legs, and just walk away. It’s an injustice! It’s an outrage I tell you! Your honor, I have no bias towards members of the cat family except those lazy, domesticated cats. They may look real cute nibbling on their little padded feet, but in the night while you’re sleeping, cat’s be out just a creepin’ all around. Bands of cats forage the night looking for catnip to get stoned on. I’ve seen ‘em myself! I think there’s a song about that. And why does their piss glow under black light? Did you see that? That fat cat just called me a matriarch copulator! Look, he just gave me the middle thimble! “Mister, you have to wake up. You can’t nap outside the Dean’s office.” “What? Did you say I was taking a catnap?” You're always the starter in your own life! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
waltappel 1 #2 August 23, 2005 Yep, you've got cats figured out. Walt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
