Should women be financially stable before getting married?

[Frenchy68 0]

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lol frenchy wants to be IS a kept man... i can just tell

"For once you have tasted Absinthe you will walk the earth with your eyes turned towards the gutter, for there you have been and there you will long to return."

[tigra 0]

There's a time and place for alimony. My father walked out on my mother after 30 years of marriage. She supported him while he was in college and stopped working outside the home when she started having babies. She wanted to return to work once we were in school, he told her no because it wouldn't look "right" to the neighbors! (Like he couldn't support his family or something! Where and when I grew up, there were mostly stay at home moms and divorce was unheard of!) When he walked out, she was in her mid 50s, not the greatest of health, and had been out of the workforce for over 25 years. (Not exactly ready to rejoin the workforce- at least not in a job that would pay enough to support her.) I think alimony was appropriate in that case (call it a pension plan for managing his household and raising his kids for 30 years!) but after a few years, he found a sympathetic judge and weaseled out of it. She lives with me now because she has no income aside from social security.

[lisamariewillbe 1]

I agree on the why rush to get married thing, I for one will NEVER get re-married...

That whole shit about girls going to college to get the MRS. Degree is not as prevelant today as it was in the 50s and such. I think this remark is well sad. How many girls told you flat out "I decided to spend 20 grand a year to go to college just to find a husband"

Sudsy Fist: i don't think i'd ever say this
Sudsy Fist: but you're looking damn sudsydoable in this

[windcatcher 0]

anyway, I am in NOOOOOOOOOO rush to be married, trust me. I plan on having a career for a few years, but once a child comes into the picture, yes, I will stay at home. I believe it's better for a family for one person to take care of the kids, rather than sending them off to daycare; and yes I know a lot of people can't do this, but if one spouse makes enough money to support a family, why should the other one go to work? Life is more than just having a lot of $$ to spend on things.

Mother to the cutest little thing in the world...

[Rebecca 0]

That would be my cousin.

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

[Shotgun 1]

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ya know you are missing an entirely different aspect of this. What if you were in the hole about $50,000? Should the man now have to take over all of that too? What if she doesn't say anything and he can't really afford to take on that kind of money? Then what?

Dishonesty is a pretty good reason to get a divorce. If she didn't say anything about being in debt before getting married, then there is a good chance that she has been or will be dishonest about other things too. But hopefully you would get to know someone well enough before getting to married to know if they tend to be dishonest or not.

As to the original question... Personally, I like knowing that I can take care of myself without needing to be dependent on someone else... But as far as what other women "should" do, that's up to them - none of my business...

[Frenchy68 0]

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anyway, I am in NOOOOOOOOOO rush to be married, trust me. I plan on having a career for a few years, but once a child comes into the picture, yes, I will stay at home. I believe it's better for a family for one person to take care of the kids, rather than sending them off to daycare; and yes I know a lot of people can't do this, but if one spouse makes enough money to support a family, why should the other one go to work? Life is more than just having a lot of $$ to spend on things.

Well, it should be up to the mother as to whether she wants to stay home or not, me thinks.

"For once you have tasted Absinthe you will walk the earth with your eyes turned towards the gutter, for there you have been and there you will long to return."

[lisamariewillbe 1]

I agree, if you can afford to stay at home that is a great thing. However find the balance. And realize that you may need to fall back on skills , trades, etc when your american dream is squashed because your husband decides to screw around , leave you with 2.5 kids, burns down the house and steals the dog and cat.

Sudsy Fist: i don't think i'd ever say this
Sudsy Fist: but you're looking damn sudsydoable in this

[VanillaSkyGirl 6]

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First... Why the rush to get Married??
If you dont plan on Kids for a few years.. Wait a few years to get Married.

So many women (And I am not saying that you are one) are so totally focused on Finding Mr. Right and Getting Married Right Away, It is sad. I remember all the Sorority girls in college that were there just for their MRS degree’s. I wonder how much Life they missed out on.

I don’t think ANYONE should ever be allowed to get married until they are over 25. If you really found that perfect someone, They will still be there in a few years.

I completely agree with you.


Windcatcher ~
Your statements seem to be based on assumptions that all people want to get married, want to have children and are capable of having children.

[Shotgun 1]

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lol frenchy wants to be a kept man... i can just tell

I would like to keep Frenchy...

in a cage.

Hmm, I could turn him into a Frilled Neck Frenchy to go with my Frilled Neck Dick.

[Thanatos340 1]

The whole point behind this thread was advising the original Poster... NOT to put herself in that situation.

[tigra 0]

Maybe you shouldn't "have to" but the reality is, do you want to be completely financially dependent on your husband? My mom was and it didn't work out so great for her. We all- men and women- need to be capable of supporting ourselves. You never know what could happen.

The tables are turning anyway, like it or not. In my relationship, I'm the "fiscally responsible" one. My sister's husband stayed home with the kids, and when they divorced, she had to pay him alimony for a while. Now he's got full custody of their kids and she pays child support.

[Frenchy68 0]

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lol frenchy wants to be a kept man... i can just tell

I would like to keep Frenchy...

in a cage.

Hmm, I could turn him into a Frilled Neck Frenchy to go with my Frilled Neck Dick.

Into threesomes, uh? You could have a frog in your throat and a... Never mind.

"For once you have tasted Absinthe you will walk the earth with your eyes turned towards the gutter, for there you have been and there you will long to return."

[windcatcher 0]

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I agree, if you can afford to stay at home that is a great thing. However find the balance. And realize that you may need to fall back on skills , trades, etc when your american dream is squashed because your husband decides to screw around , leave you with 2.5 kids, burns down the house and steals the dog and cat.

Yes, I don't think that a woman or a man should just give up themselves/their dreams just to get married; however, raising kids is an important part of family life, and I think in today's society, it's not a commended role anymore. It takes hard work to be a mother ( from what I've heard); but I completely disagree with the theory that a woman isn't something if she's just a mother, she's got to have a career

Mother to the cutest little thing in the world...

[ACMESkydiver 0]

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I don’t think ANYONE should ever be allowed to get married until they are over 25. If you really found that perfect someone, They will still be there in a few years.

No, they may not. If my hubby kept me on the back burner for 5 years, or if I did that to HIM, we wouldn't have been together. When 'someday' never comes, it sometimes sours the relationship entirely.

You're also assuming that both people will be alive in five years. I have seen the grief of death before the vows ever happened.

Now of course that's no reason to rush into anything at all...but just some interesting things to think about as well.

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[rehmwa 2]

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Well, it should be up to the mother as to whether she wants to stay home or not, me thinks.

Completely disagree, it's a partnership. It should be a team decision. If the couple can't come to a consensus on even this decision, then what are doing having a child?

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[nate_1979 9]

I believe that both parties should be financially stable. I believe that both parties should work, until such time that the wife becomes with child... After this point, it should have already been planned out within that new family how it was going to be handled... After a child is in the picture, I see no problem with "stay at home parent", infact I prefer that... But until that point, WORK. IMO.

FGF #???
I miss the sky...
There are 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who don't.

[lisamariewillbe 1]

Thats an unfair assumption, so its the womans fault for putting her family first? Its the womans fault for putting him through college to help him provide for his children?

There is no crystal ball to foretell, and sorry but when people are in love you want to help them achieve there goals, you want to help that man make something of himself and put your own dreams on the back burner because when he has had his turn it will be yours...

its opinions like this that take the good intentions of love and fuck it all up

Sudsy Fist: i don't think i'd ever say this
Sudsy Fist: but you're looking damn sudsydoable in this

[Frenchy68 0]

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Well, it should be up to the mother as to whether she wants to stay home or not, me thinks.

Completely disagree, it's a partnership. It should be a team decision. If the couple can't come to a consensus on even this decision, then what are doing having a child?

Let me rephrase my thought:
Yes, it should be a team decision. As much as the woman working and the man staying home. Or both working. My point was that it should not be up top the man to decide whether the woman stays home or not.

"For once you have tasted Absinthe you will walk the earth with your eyes turned towards the gutter, for there you have been and there you will long to return."

[windcatcher 0]

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I believe that both parties should be financially stable. I believe that both parties should work, until such time that the wife becomes with child... After this point, it should have already been planned out within that new family how it was going to be handled... After a child is in the picture, I see no problem with "stay at home parent", infact I prefer that... But until that point, WORK. IMO.

Nate what are you doing in bonfire?
I agree with you; however, I don't need to make a lot of $$ on my own before I get married; if I can live on my own, that's good enough. I don't have to be rich
edit to add: what happens if after college, I get married right away and don't have a career until after I graduate college? Should I postpone getting married, just to live on my own and have a job? I disagree.

Mother to the cutest little thing in the world...

[PLFXpert 0]

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girls in college that were there just for their MRS degree’s

That is the only issue with being "stay-at-home" anything I have. I knew a roomate and quite a few other girls in college who were only there, not for an education, but to find a med or law student to marry her so she could be financially cared for and stay at home and have lots of babies. I believe that is why we have a 51% divorce rate.

I do think being a "professional mom" as I call it is probably one of the hardest jobs in the world (I wouldn't know personally). But, I do feel it's very important to be financially independant. If after 30 years your husband leaves, you will have not paid anything into SS (not that, that's reliable anyways) and you will have no savings that is not considered "joint" and even that will mostly go to the primary bread earner in a lot of divorce cases. I also don't think relationships can work unless both parties can care for themselves and have something great to bring to the table.

Arguments over finances are one of the major causes of divorce. Things like that, in my opinion, shoudl be clearly talked through (among plenty of other things) before a marriage commitment.

As far as me, personally, I consider myself financially savvy since I was very young. I'm biased b/c I'm an only child who's father never wanted me to depend on a man for anything, whether it's fixing a broken pipe, or planning for my retirement. So I REALLY value that sense of always believing I can handle anything that comes my way. I don't "need" my hunny to provide for me or fix things for me, though it's very sweet when he does. I "need" him to be my best friend and love slave

Paint me in a corner, but my color comes back.

[craichead 0]

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If you dont plan on Kids for a few years.. Wait a few years to get Married.

I don't really understand this--what's the problem with being married and not having kids for a few years?

_Pm

__
"Scared of love, love and aeroplanes...falling out, I said takes no brains." -- Andy Partridge (XTC)

[nate_1979 9]

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I believe that both parties should be financially stable. I believe that both parties should work, until such time that the wife becomes with child... After this point, it should have already been planned out within that new family how it was going to be handled... After a child is in the picture, I see no problem with "stay at home parent", infact I prefer that... But until that point, WORK. IMO.

Nate what are you doing in bonfire?
I agree with you; however, I don't need to make a lot of $$ on my own before I get married; if I can live on my own, that's good enough. I don't have to be rich

No, you dont have to be rich... But I think everyone should be able to take care of themselves prior to obligating to take care of a family, whether your role is going to be stay at home or not. And I do visit the bonfire occasionally, I just dont read most of the threads.

FGF #???
I miss the sky...
There are 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who don't.

[wmw999 2,439]

This is a really great thread. Hands down one of the best substantive threads I've seen in a long time. And I'm so glad it's in here rather than "that other place." (either of them)

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[mailin 0]

I agree -- I see nothing wrong with being married years before having kids (and I'm talking 5+). In the meantime you can make more concrete plans (such as buying a home and securing a joint savings) that may not have been possible without the 'permanence' of marriage.


Jen

Arianna Frances