Humpday joke thread

[AggieDave 6]

Help me out, I need some laughs, I'm sure others could use some laughs to get over humpday. Post some favorites of yours that others may not have heard of before:


1. What's the safest place to be in a lightening storm?

Outside, holding up a 1 Iron. Why? Because even God couldn't hit a 1 Iron.


2. Hear about the Aggie Flying Club's C-152 crash last week? Crashed in a cemetary about a mile from the airport...so far they've found 80 bodies and expect to find more.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[SpeedRacer 1]

Q: Why do men name their penises?







A: Because they don't want a complete stranger making all their decisions for them.

Speed Racer
--------------------------------------------------

[Superman32 0]

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 eight 9




Funniest joke ever... Imagine 6 hiding behind 5, 10 is walking a group for safety, etc

Inveniam Viam aut Faciam
I'm back biatches!

[BGill 0]

Quote

2. Hear about the Aggie Flying Club's C-152 crash last week? Crashed in a cemetary about a mile from the airport...so far they've found 80 bodies and expect to find more.

one thats similar:

"There was a terrible car wreck on a highway in Mexico that left 37 dead and another 22 injured...

It was a 3 car pile-up."

[aerohaga 0]

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

For my part, I know nothing with any certainty,
But the sight of the stars makes me dream.
-Vincent Van Gogh

[Designer 0]

Good 1's

[sharimcm 0]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked
him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

"I had a dude tip his black cowboy hat to me after I provided him with a condom outside my hotel room at 3-something in the morning." -myself

[Superman32 0]

Quote

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

God, I'm such a dork. I couldn't stop laughing.
I'll be sending that one out

Inveniam Viam aut Faciam
I'm back biatches!

[StreetScooby 5]

Yes, very good ones. Here's another:

Two cows in a pasture.
One asks, "Aren't you afraid of mad cow disease?"
Two says, "No"
One asks, "Why not?"
Two says, "Because I'm a duck"

We are all engines of karma

[skysprite 0]

Lovin' these! Keep 'em coming guys!

~skysprite

[Superman32 0]

Why did the blond girl have bruises around her belly button?
Blond boys are stupid too

Inveniam Viam aut Faciam
I'm back biatches!

[sharimcm 0]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know " he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

"I had a dude tip his black cowboy hat to me after I provided him with a condom outside my hotel room at 3-something in the morning." -myself

[kenz 0]

Quote

Why did the blond girl have bruises around her belly button?
Blond boys are stupid too

thats great

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

"life does throw curveballs sometimes but it doesn't mean we shouldn't still swing for the homerun" ~ me

[Amanduh 0]

*Stupid joke sent to me via text by a friend earlier*

A cat, rooster, and dog are hanging out by a pond. The dog throws the cat in the pond and the rooster starts laughing. What's the moral of this story?

[kelel01 1]

Cocks like it when pussies get wet?

[Amanduh 0]

Should have known your perverted ass would get it

*can't believe I even posted this*


But the answer as it was texted to me:

A wet pussy will always make a cock happy.

[kelel01 1]

Ah, but the actual punchline is much more well worded.

[TypicalFish 0]

A rabbi, a Mexican, and a dog walk into a bar...

The bartended looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

"I gargle no man's balls..." ussfpa on SOCNET

[SpeedRacer 1]

more bar jokes:

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer....and a mop!"


So Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender asks, "Olive or Twist?"




So Rene Descatres is in a bar and the bartender asks him, "Want another drink?"

Descartes replies, "I think not." And disappears!

Speed Racer
--------------------------------------------------

[masterrig 1]

Quote

Help me out, I need some laughs, I'm sure others could use some laughs to get over humpday. Post some favorites of yours that others may not have heard of before:


1. What's the safest place to be in a lightening storm?

Outside, holding up a 1 Iron. Why? Because even God couldn't hit a 1 Iron.


2. Hear about the Aggie Flying Club's C-152 crash last week? Crashed in a cemetary about a mile from the airport...so far they've found 80 bodies and expect to find more.

__________________________________________

Eight Aggies got their pick-up stuck in a flooded river. The three in the cab of the truck escaped by rolling down the windows.
The five in the bed of the truck drowned because they couldn't get the tail-gate open!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Chuck runs like hell!>>>>


Chuck

[cderham 0]

The Horth Whithperer

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over
to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?" That's easy,
he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget
and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again,
and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off
by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the
rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can
up the horse's twat, pulls him ou t and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase
that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

Chris
It's Jimmy Time!!
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Team-Fast-As-Fuck/6099474213

[masterrig 1]

Quote

The Horth Whithperer

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over
to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?" That's easy,
he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget
and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again,
and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off
by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the
rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can
up the horse's twat, pulls him ou t and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase
that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

_______________________________

That, is absolutely hilarious!


Chuck

[Salsa_John 0]

Quote

Quote

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

God, I'm such a dork. I couldn't stop laughing.
I'll be sending that one out

My boss came in to see what was wrong with me.

"You did what?!?!"

MUFF #3722, TDSM #72, Orfun #26, Nachos Rodriguez

[Salsa_John 0]

Quote

Why did the blond girl have bruises around her belly button?
Blond boys are stupid too

Blonde Jokes?

What do you call 50 blondes on the sea floor?








An air pocket.

"You did what?!?!"

MUFF #3722, TDSM #72, Orfun #26, Nachos Rodriguez

[sharimcm 0]

Subject: Work vs Prison

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit more
clear.
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you
must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT
WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes
from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT
WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
Now, get back to work!

"I had a dude tip his black cowboy hat to me after I provided him with a condom outside my hotel room at 3-something in the morning." -myself