Irish Humor...

[jumperconway 0]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd
> just been run over
> by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
> face is cut and
> bruised and he's walking with a limp.
>
> "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
>
> "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
>
> "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do
> that to you, he
> must have had something in his hand."
>
> "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a
> terrible lickin'
> he gave me with it."
>
> "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
> didn't you have
> something in your hand?"
>
> "That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a
> thing of beauty
> it was, but useless in a fight."
> ===============================================
>
> An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
> home from the
> city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently
> all over the
> road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the
> driver, "where have
> ya been?"
>
> "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
>
> "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few
> to drink this
> evening."
>
> "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
>
> "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding
> his arms across
> his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell
> out of your car?"
>
>
> "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I
> thought I'd
> gone deaf."
>
> =======================================================
>
> Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
> Finnegan arrives
> at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
> somethin' to tell ya."
>
>
> "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
> where's my
> husband?"
>
> "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an
> accident down
> at the Guinness brewery..."
>
> "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."
>
> "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm
> sorry."
>
> Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
>
> "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness
> Stout and
> drowned."
>
> "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at
> least go
> quickly?"
>
> "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to
> pee."
>
> ==================================================
>
> Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
> morning service, and
> she's in tears.
>
> He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
>
> She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news My husband
> passed away last
> night."
>
> The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
> did he have any
> last requests?"
>
> She says, "That he did, Father."
>
> The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
>
> She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
>
> ==================================================
>
> AND THE BEST FOR LAST
>
> A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
> confessional booth, sits
> down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get
> his attention
> but the drunk continues to sit there Finally, the Priest
> pounds three
> times on the wall.
>
> The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper
> on this side
> either"....

[n2skdvn 0]

what's the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral......one less drunk

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
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