Douva 0 #1 February 4, 2005 This isn't nearly as funny to read as it is to hear Dane Cook deliver to an audience, but I thought some of the guys here might be able to relate. I know ladies think that all guys want is sex; [I]that’s it[/I]. No, it’s not! The two things we want more than sex: First off, every single guy here wants to be part of a heist. Every time you watch the movie [I]Heat[/I], you’re like, “I want to do that.” Every guy here wants to be running down Main Street with an AK. [I]BANG! BANG! BANG![/I] “Where the %&#@ is the van?” [I]BANG! BANG! BANG![/I] We want a guy on a computer going, “Give me a minute—They changed the codes; I’m in Friendster now.” There’s always that guy on the team, too—He was a last minute replacement. One of the other guys vouches for him. “No, no, no, no, Bro. He’s cool, dude.” But you know what? He’s not cool, is he? He starts laughing in the bank, shooting people for no reason. [I]BANG![/I] “Aa, ha, ha. Ah ha.” [I]BANG![/I] “Ah ha.” “What the %&#@ are you doing?” [I]BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG![/I] “Where the %&#@ is the van? We need it to move in now!” And here’s the other thing we want: Every guy here wants a monkey. Have you ever said out loud, in front of people, “Wouldn’t it be cool to have a monkey?” There’s always that one person who has to chime in, “Excuse me; that wouldn’t be cool at all. First of all, they crap in their own hand, and they throw it around in a festive manner. They demand things. They make faces that are unacceptable.” I don’t want a nice monkey. I want an evil, coked out monkey. I want to put him on coke, put a little armor on him, give him a sword, and have fights with him inside my place. How pumped would you be driving home from work, knowing someplace in your house there’s a monkey you’re going to battle? Just walk in: “Monkey? Where you at, Monkey?” He’s hiding in the closet. “Aaah, aaah, oooh, eeeeeeh!” “I hear you. Who wants a banana sandwich?” And if I could ever do a heist, and in the van the monkey is waiting, that would be the ultimate right there. Me and the monkey just robbing places from coast-to-coast. I don’t need sex.I don't have an M.D. or a law degree. I have bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflir29 0 #2 February 4, 2005 QuoteAnd if I could ever do a heist, and in the van the monkey is waiting, that would be the ultimate right there. Me and the monkey just robbing places from coast-to-coast. I don’t need sex. Yep.......... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
linny 1 #3 February 4, 2005 Which Dan Cook are we talkin about here? Cause that is funny Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #4 February 4, 2005 ~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ltdiver 3 #5 February 4, 2005 That's funny. I can just hear Dan, beer in hand...giving an audience this diatribe. > ltdiver Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Douva 0 #6 February 4, 2005 QuoteWhich Dan Cook are we talkin about here? Cause that is funny He's a standup comedian. Edited to add: His name is actually Dane Cook. Probably a Freudian slip on my part.I don't have an M.D. or a law degree. I have bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ltdiver 3 #7 February 4, 2005 QuoteWhich Dan Cook are we talkin about here? Cause that is funny Now -that's- almost as funny as Dan's story! And your profile says you're from Perris?! Hey, did you know it's linny's birthday today?! ... ltdiver Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Peej 0 #8 February 4, 2005 That's frikkin' funny! Thanks. Advertisio Rodriguez / Sky Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dan_iv 0 #10 February 4, 2005 hilarious! good way to start my friday off! thanks for sharing that! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Darius11 12 #11 February 4, 2005 How pumped would you be driving home from work, knowing someplace in your house there’s a monkey you’re going to battle? *** I love Dane Cook he is so funnyI'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 221 #12 February 4, 2005 Ahhhh - I get it - Comedy - ok - See if this were a real book - it would be pretty short. Like ............ What guys want more than sex. Nothing. -The EndI'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ianmdrennan 2 #13 February 4, 2005 http://www.danecook.com Dane Cook rules Performance Designs Factory Team Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ltdiver 3 #14 February 4, 2005 QuoteThis isn't nearly as funny to read as it is to hear Dane Cook deliver to an audience, but I thought some of the guys here might be able to relate. Ok...now you've gone and edited the name, huh? ltdiver Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kelel01 1 #15 February 4, 2005 Dane Cook is the fucking man. I wish I could bear children for him. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ianmdrennan 2 #16 February 4, 2005 Come on Kelly, you're not kidding anyone. We all know you want to bear Peewee Hermins children Off to the DZ !! YAY!Performance Designs Factory Team Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kelel01 1 #17 February 4, 2005 You're leaving for the DZ now? And how did you know about my PeeWee Herman fantasy? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ianmdrennan 2 #18 February 4, 2005 Yep - today is my 1 day of unemployment before I start the new job. Figured I'd go celebrate by jumping Performance Designs Factory Team Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kelel01 1 #19 February 4, 2005 Have fun! And congrats on the new job! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
linny 1 #20 February 4, 2005 QuoteQuoteWhich Dan Cook are we talkin about here? Cause that is funny Now -that's- almost as funny as Dan's story! And your profile says you're from Perris?! Hey, did you know it's linny's birthday today?! ... ltdiver See I had a feeling he wasn't talking about our Dan! Did ya hear? This weekend is Lori's last weekend in Perris....... Be sure to say good bye when you see her Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
josheezammit 0 #21 February 4, 2005 oh my God douva, you are right Ahh, what a wonderful world. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ltdiver 3 #22 February 5, 2005 QuoteSee I had a feeling he wasn't talking about our Dan! Did ya hear? This weekend is Lori's last weekend in Perris....... Be sure to say good bye when you see her Now throw me a party, dammit! ltdiver Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
racer42 0 #23 February 5, 2005 Why does this sound so familiar?L.A.S.T. #24 Co-Founder Biscuit Brothers Freefly Team Electric Toaster #3 Co-Founder Team Non Sequitor Co-Founder Team Happy Sock Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
