feuergnom 28 #1 November 9, 2004 ok i'll make the start A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?" And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off." The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?" And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle dudeist skydiver # 666 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
yoink 321 #2 November 9, 2004 what has 5 arms and 7 legs? a Pitbull in a playground.... How do you make a kitten go "WOOF!"? dunk it in petrol and toss a match at it.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
piisfish 140 #3 November 9, 2004 a drunk guy going out of the bar asks his mate : - Do you knnnnoww howww mut-ch a fart weighs ?? the other answers : - A fart weighs nothing, it's just gas.. - Oh then I think I just shit in my pantsscissors beat paper, paper beat rock, rock beat wingsuit - KarlM Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Peej 0 #4 November 9, 2004 A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some Olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since that cue ball, he measures everything first. Advertisio Rodriguez / Sky Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Airman1270 0 #5 November 9, 2004 This one's a bit raw, and only works when told my a man in the company of other men: "How can you tell if a guy is queer?" "His dick tastes like shit." I know, I know, but it seemed funny at the time... , Jon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DaGimp 0 #6 November 9, 2004 This Marine walks into a whore house, dressed in his dress blues, medals shined, gig line straight, looking lke a marine should. He walks up to the desk, slams his hand down and says "I want the best damn whore in this whore house." The lady says "What makes you think you deserve the best whore we have?" The Marine steps back, drops his pants and says "Watch this. DICK Attention." it stands straight up "Left FACE." it shifts left "Right FACE." it shifts right "At Ease." it goes limp Well the woman is amazed and she says "Up the stairs, first door on the left Sir." So the marine pulls up his pants, walks over to the mirror, makes sure his gig line is straight, medals are aligned, looking like a marine should. Walks up the stairs knocks on the first door on the left. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK A woman opens the door, and the marine says "Are you the best damn whore in the whore house? Cause i only want the best." The lady says "Well, what makes you think you deserve the best whore here?" The marine walk past her into the room, faces her, drops his pants and says "Watch this. Dick Attention." it stands up "Left FACE" it shifts left "Right FACE" it shifts right "At Ease......At EASE...........AT EASE!!!!" all of a sudden he just starts jacking off like crazy The woman is shocked and says "OH my God, What are you doing!?" The marine says "Im giving him a dis-honorable discharge!""Professor of Pimpology"~~~Bolas Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dougiefresh 0 #7 November 9, 2004 Three guys are riding horses in Texas, a guy from Wisconsin, a guy from Illinois, and a Texan. The Texan, wanting to show off a bit, pulls a bottle of whiskey out of his bag, takes a swig, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it. The other two guys say, "WTF did you do that for? You wasted all that whiskey!" The Texan says, "Well, in Texas, glass is cheap and there's plenty of whiskey." So the Illinois guy, not wanting to be outdone, pulls a bottle of champagne out of his bag, takes a swig, throws it up in the air, and shoots it. The other two guys say, "WTF did you do that for? You wasted all that good champagne!" The Illinois guy says, "Well, in Illinois, glass is cheap and there's plenty of champagne." So they ride on a while. The Wisconsin guy is deep in thought. Finally, he pulls a big bottle of good beer (New Glarus) out of his bag, drinks the whole thing, belches contentedly, puts the bottle back in his bag, then calmly shoots the guy from Illinois. The Texan goes ape, he cannot believe what he just saw. "WTF did you do that for?! You killed him!" "Well, in Wisconsin, the beer is good, we recycle, and there are plenty of people from Illinois."Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. --Douglas Adams Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Thanatos340 1 #8 November 9, 2004 Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?? To Prove to the Possum that it could be done!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
unformed 0 #9 November 9, 2004 Quote Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?? To Prove to the Possum that it could be done!! So why did the possum cross the road. It head was stuck in the chicken's ass.This ad space for sale. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
livendive 8 #10 November 9, 2004 Little Johnny catches his dad working alone in the garage and asks him, "Dad, what does a vagina look like?" Dad wasn't quite prepared for this question yet and stammers a bit before replying, "Well son, umm, I guess that depends. Are you talking about before a woman has intercourse or after she has intercourse?" Johnny thinks for a second, not really sure how to respond, and then says, "Well, before she has intercourse I guess." Dad replies, "Oh, well, have you ever seen a perfect rose, first thing in the morning, the petals nicely spread with tiny little beads of dew on them? That's what a vagina looks like." Johnny's not quite satisfied with the visualization this description prompts, and replies "Well, umm, then what does it look like AFTER she has intercourse." Quick on the response this time, Dad replies, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?" Blues, Dave"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!" (drink Mountain Dew) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GeordieSkydiver 0 #11 November 9, 2004 A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life".Lee _______________________________ In a world full of people, only some want to fly, is that not crazy? http://www.ukskydiver.co.uk Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jimmytavino 16 #12 November 9, 2004 ... A woman runs into the house,, yelling excitedly to her husband,,, " I won the lottery, I won the lottery!! pack the bags"!!! .... He replies from upstairs... ... "Great ! should I pack for the ocean, or pack for the mountains!!???"..... .. She yells back....,,,, " I don't Care!!!.. ......... Just GET OUT!!!!" ....hahahahahahah!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mr2mk1g 10 #13 November 9, 2004 heheh, that's funny. My favourite jokes are far far too bad for the forum. I mean, I know Sangiro lets us get away with a lot... but some of these are really appalling... but REALLY funny. If anyone wants to hear a couple PM me... but you do so on the understanding that you're going to get a really really disgusting joke which you may not complain about or claim to be in bad taste... because it is in very bad taste and you consented, ok! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dagny 0 #14 November 9, 2004 Just had a friend send me this one today...(sorry for the caps, I don't have time to retype it) A MAN IS LYING IN BED IN THE HOSPITAL WITH AN OXYGEN MASK OVER HIS MOUTH. A YOUNG NURSE APPEARS TO SPONGE HIS HANDS AND FEET. "NURSE", HE MUMBLES FROM BEHIND THE MASK, "ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?" EMBARRASSED, THE YOUNG NURSE REPLIES,"I DON'T KNOW, I'M ONLY HERE TO WASH YOUR HANDS AND FEET." "HE STRUGGLES AGAIN TO ASK, NURSE, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?" FINALLY, SHE PULLS BACK THE COVERS, RAISES HIS GOWN, HOLDS HIS WILLY IN ONE HAND AND HIS TESTICLES IN HER OTHER HAND AND TAKES A CLOSE LOOK AND SAY'S, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!" FINALLY, THE MAN PULLS OFF HIS ! OXYGEN MASK AND REPLIES, " THAT WAS VERY NICE BUT, ARE... MY... TEST...RESULTS...BACK ?" Take me, I am the drug; take me, I am hallucinogenic. -Salvador Dali Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WhirledWeb 0 #15 November 9, 2004 What do Michael Jackson and Mervyns have in common? Each have "Boys Pants Half Off" icky, but a classic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Don't be afraid of death, be afraid of the unlived life. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gerrcoin 0 #16 November 9, 2004 A cat hijacks a plane, sticks a gun to the pilots head and screams "Take me to the Canaries!" Why do women like a man who is circumcised? Because they can't resist something with 10% off. A man is lying in bed in hospital and says to the nurse, "Give us a kiss". "No" she replies. "Ahh go on" he says, "please". "No way, f**k off" the nurse replies, "I shouldn't even be giving you this hand job" A jump lead walks into a bar and ask for a beer. The barman looks at it and says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" A guy goes into the doctor with a steering wheel down the front of his trousers and says, "can you please remove this, it's driving me nuts" 3 men are sitting in a restaraunt masturbating furiously. The waitress, seeing them, rushes over and cries out, "What the f**k do you think you're doing?" One of the men points with his free hand to a sign by the door which reads "First Come, First Served" Two terrorist mothers are sitting together showing each other family pictures. "That's my eldest son", the first mother says, "he's a martyr". "And that's my youngest, he's also a martyr". She sighs. "Ahh, they blow up so fast" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Granimal 0 #17 November 9, 2004 Bill walks into work with a big black eye. One of his coworkers approaches him asking if he got in a fight or something. Bill replies, "Have you ever accidently said something you dont mean?" His coworker answered, "Well sure, but what the hell did you say to get that." Bill says, "I was sitting at the breakfast table with my wife. I meant to say, Honey please pass me the Cheerios, but I accidently said You ruined my life you stupid bitch." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #18 November 9, 2004 A traffic cop was just arriving on the scene of a wreck, and as the ambulance was just leaving with the injured, he observed a cooler falling off the back bumper of the ambulance. He opened it and inside packed in ice was a severed human toe. He didn't know what to do... So he called a tow truck. "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
funks 1 #19 November 9, 2004 What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she has already been told twice. What do all battered women have in common? They just dont listen. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tunaplanet 0 #20 November 9, 2004 Quotedunk it in petrol and toss a match at it ROFLMAO. That's good. I'll have to steal that and claim it as my own. Forty-two Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dtpilot 0 #21 November 9, 2004 im rolling over the monkey joke "Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!" -- Friedrich Nietzsche Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tunaplanet 0 #22 November 9, 2004 QuoteWhat do all battered women have in common? They just dont listen. LOL, reminds me of another one. They say 7 out of 10 women in this country are battered. And to think...I've been eating mine plain all along. Forty-two Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mardigrasbob 0 #23 November 10, 2004 QuoteQuoteWhat do all battered women have in common? They just dont listen. LOL, reminds me of another one. They say 7 out of 10 women in this country are battered. And to think...I've been eating mine plain all along. What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered women's shelter? The dishes, if she knows what's good for her! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tunaplanet 0 #24 November 10, 2004 Know why women wear white on their wedding day? So they'll match the stove and dishwasher. Forty-two Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
justchrisdsp 0 #25 November 10, 2004 how did helen keller lose her arm? trying to read a stop sign Did you know that helen keller had a volcanoe in her back yard? no, its ok neither did she you know why helen keller couldnt drive dont you? she was a woman The only bad skydive is your last! chris "sonic wookie" harwell Piedra-belluda-roja Rodriguez Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
