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turtlespeed

Joke me up!

By turtlespeed, in The Bonfire

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turtlespeed    221

turtlespeed
I need a good joke -
I need to laugh - I just looked at finances after paying taxes and all the bills and stuff - I NEED a good laugh. (Besides the one that I get aftrer looking at my check book.[:/]

Hep a brutha aut!
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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panzwami    0

panzwami
So this guy and his wife go to a marriage counselor to try to solve some problems in their marriage.

The counselor sits them both down and says, "Let's start out by thinking of all the things that you two have in common."

The husband thinks for a second and replies, "well, neither of us sucks d**k."

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ACMESkydiver    0

ACMESkydiver
:)ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?"

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's n6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302, and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right . Give me two family-sized ones, then."

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. Your total is $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got aJuly 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke".

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."
~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

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Slappie    9

Slappie
Quote

Sorry Jaye - That ones been postededed

Ya I posted that one.. now get your own humor :ph34r:



"Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them."

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rehmwa    2

rehmwa
Bob was getting sick of the day to day grudge of big business - all the politics and backstabbing.

He'd had enough and he quit.

He purchased a plot of land in the Pacific Northwest and built a cabin in the middle of nowhere and lived off the land: chopping wood, hunting his own food, tending a garden and reading a lot by the fire. A real primitive existence. The nearest town was 50 miles away through wild, barely travelable terrain.

After a year or so, in December, Bob was reading a book by the fireplace and, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

Strange, . . . he opened the door and this giant of a man was standing there. You can tell he'd been in the woods even longer than Bob - scraggly beard, suspenders, tattered flannel, hiking boots, not too clean for that matter.

"I'm yer neighbor, , , live 'bout 15 miles that way over the ridge" he says gruffly pointing over his right shoulder. You can tell he probably hadn't even spoke in months.

"s'posed to invite yer to the Christmas party"

Bob "that's great, I haven't seen a soul in months. I'd like to come"

Mountain Man "got plenty er food"

Bob "fine with me, I like to eat" smiling

Mountain Man "spect we got plenty to drink, too"

Bob "that's fine too, I like to drink" even happier

MM "should tell you, there's bound to be quite a bit of fighting"

Bob's thinking, this is gonna be quite a wild party, what with everyone getting rowdy, I can't wait - "no problem here, people need to cut up and I can handle myself alright"

MM "also bound to be a lot of sex, too."

Bob's thinking - wow, what a party, I haven't had a woman in a couple years - "say, since this is quite an event, I don't want to be out of place. What should I wear?"

MM "don' matter, it's informal, just be the two of us"

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

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Casie    0

Casie
Quote

So this guy and his wife go to a marriage counselor to try to solve some problems in their marriage.

The counselor sits them both down and says, "Let's start out by thinking of all the things that you two have in common."

The husband thinks for a second and replies, "well, neither of us sucks d**k."



:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
~Porn Kitty
WARNING: Goldschlager causes extreme emotional outbursts!

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ACMESkydiver    0

ACMESkydiver
Ok so I SEARCHED and did not find it posted before...

There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK." If you receive WORK
> > from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else-- do
> > not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your
> > private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with
> > this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order
>
> > drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been
> > completely deleted from your brain. Forward this virus warning
> > immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not
> > have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus
> > and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to
> > the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry. I
> > think I have five friends but am not entirely positive.....so I'm
> > headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.

And if it had been posted before and my search failed me, y'all can feel free to kiss my landing gear...;):ph34r:
~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

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turtlespeed    221

turtlespeed
Quote

Quote

And if it had been posted before and my search failed me, y'all can feel free to kiss my landing gear...



Now that's funny shit right there:D:D



And muddy too.:o:):P

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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n2skdvn    0

n2skdvn
Quote

Ok so I SEARCHED and did not find it posted before...

There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK." If you receive WORK
> > from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else-- do
> > not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your
> > private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with
> > this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order
>
> > drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been
> > completely deleted from your brain. Forward this virus warning
> > immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not
> > have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus
> > and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to
> > the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry. I
> > think I have five friends but am not entirely positive.....so I'm
> > headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.

And if it had been posted before and my search failed me, y'all can feel free to kiss my landing gear...;):ph34r:



get the landing gear ready....... here;):P:P:P
if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

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Brains    2

Brains
Quote

And muddy too.



You know, now that you mention it, i might have heard something about a coulter field muddy landing.:D:D:P Something about the landing gear and rig being all muddy, i'm not quite sure about the details though:D

Never look down on someone, unless they are going down on you.

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ACMESkydiver    0

ACMESkydiver
Quote

Quote

Ok so I SEARCHED and did not find it posted before...

There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK." If you receive WORK
> > from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else-- do
> > not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your
> > private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with
> > this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order
>
> > drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been
> > completely deleted from your brain. Forward this virus warning
> > immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not
> > have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus
> > and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to
> > the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry. I
> > think I have five friends but am not entirely positive.....so I'm
> > headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.

And if it had been posted before and my search failed me, y'all can feel free to kiss my landing gear...;):ph34r:



get the landing gear ready....... here;):P:P:P



Ok, HH needs ta do something about the 'search posts' button up there not working too well...[:/]:P
~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

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ACMESkydiver    0

ACMESkydiver
Quote

Quote

And muddy too.



You know, now that you mention it, i might have heard something about a coulter field muddy landing.:D:D:P Something about the landing gear and rig being all muddy, i'm not quite sure about the details though:D



Hmmm...who could THAT be??
~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

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Nutz    0

Nutz
Quote

Quote

Ok so I SEARCHED and did not find it posted before...

There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK." If you receive WORK
> > from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else-- do
> > not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your
> > private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with
> > this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order
>
> > drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been
> > completely deleted from your brain. Forward this virus warning
> > immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not
> > have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus
> > and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to
> > the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry. I
> > think I have five friends but am not entirely positive.....so I'm
> > headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.

And if it had been posted before and my search failed me, y'all can feel free to kiss my landing gear...;):ph34r:



get the landing gear ready....... here;):P:P:P



Thanks man, I am glad that someone has my back. ;) (Actually, I couldn't remember if I had posted that one here or not.) Anyway, I am headed to the bar tonight and am not leaving until I have 5 friends. (You can tell, I have the virus BAD) :S


"Don't! Get! Eliminated!"

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turtlespeed    221

turtlespeed
LMAO - Now we're talking

Actually Acme gave me some really nice ones and we are afraid to post themn here and incite a political conversation.
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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ACMESkydiver    0

ACMESkydiver
Awright...last attempt:

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man
Love, To forgive him and
Patience, For his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

:)
Ok jerky-boys, so was THAT posted before??? :o -Like I give a flying &%*$.
~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

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