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QuoteI need a good joke -
I need to laugh - I just looked at finances after paying taxes and all the bills and stuff - I NEED a good laugh. (Besides the one that I get aftrer looking at my check book.![[:/]](/uploads/emoticons/dry.png "[:/]")
Hep a brutha aut!
Not a joke, but a visual.....Me giving Marilyn a Chipndale dance
7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer
Try again, Turtle...it would look like this:
.......
*----OO----*
....... |
.......( )
...... / \
.... / ... \
.. U....... U
Because we are all angels...
.......
*----OO----*
....... |
.......( )
...... / \
.... / ... \
.. U....... U
Because we are all angels...
~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.
.......
*----OO----*
....... |
.......( )
...... / \
.... / ... \
.. U....... U
I think this is more like it.
*----OO----*
....... |
.......( )
...... / \
.... / ... \
.. U....... U
I think this is more like it.
n2skdvn 0
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible.. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any f*****g Frenchmen to show it to."
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible.. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any f*****g Frenchmen to show it to."
if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site
my site
So this guy was going down on his new girlfriend and while he was down there is said, "Damn, thats a big pussy. Damn, thats a big pussy."
She asks why he said it twice and he says he didn't
Anyone know what movie thats from?
Chris
--"Someday you will die and somehow somethings going to steal your carbon" -MM
She asks why he said it twice and he says he didn't
Anyone know what movie thats from?
Chris
--"Someday you will die and somehow somethings going to steal your carbon" -MM
A woman is having an affair. Every time her lover comes over, she puts her son in the closet. One day, her husband comes home while her lover is there. Frantic, she hands her lover all of his things and shoves him into the closet.
Son: "It's dark in here."
Lover: "Yes, it is."
Son: "I have a baseball. Do you want to buy it?"
Lover: "Ummm...no."
Son: "I think you do."
Realizing the position he's in, the lover replies: "Okay. How much?"
Son: "$50"
He knows he's being taken, but he doesn't really have a choice, and ponies up the $50.
The following week, he's over again and once more, the husband comes home. Into the closet he goes.
Son: "It's dark in here."
Lover: "Yes, it is."
Son: "I have a baseball glove. Wanna buy it?"
Lover: "Sure. How much?"
Son: "$100"
And he becomes the proud owner of a baseball glove.
That weekend, the boy's father says to his son: "Go get your ball and glove. We'll play catch."
Son: "Can't dad. I sold them."
Thinking his son must have sold or traded them to a friend he casually replies: "Oh really? How much?"
Son: "$150"
Father: "$150!?!?! Son, you can't take advantage of your friends like that. I'm ashamed of you. We're going to the church right now and you are going to confession for this."
They get to the church and the boy steps into the confession booth: "It's dark in here."
"Don't you start that shit again."
-C.
Son: "It's dark in here."
Lover: "Yes, it is."
Son: "I have a baseball. Do you want to buy it?"
Lover: "Ummm...no."
Son: "I think you do."
Realizing the position he's in, the lover replies: "Okay. How much?"
Son: "$50"
He knows he's being taken, but he doesn't really have a choice, and ponies up the $50.
The following week, he's over again and once more, the husband comes home. Into the closet he goes.
Son: "It's dark in here."
Lover: "Yes, it is."
Son: "I have a baseball glove. Wanna buy it?"
Lover: "Sure. How much?"
Son: "$100"
And he becomes the proud owner of a baseball glove.
That weekend, the boy's father says to his son: "Go get your ball and glove. We'll play catch."
Son: "Can't dad. I sold them."
Thinking his son must have sold or traded them to a friend he casually replies: "Oh really? How much?"
Son: "$150"
Father: "$150!?!?! Son, you can't take advantage of your friends like that. I'm ashamed of you. We're going to the church right now and you are going to confession for this."
They get to the church and the boy steps into the confession booth: "It's dark in here."
"Don't you start that shit again."
-C.
I'm sorry in advance. 
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle.
What does Snoop Dogg clean his clothes with?
Blee-ach!
Dixie
HISPA #56 Facil Rodriguez
"Scientific research has shown that 60% of the time, it works every time."
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle.
What does Snoop Dogg clean his clothes with?
Blee-ach!
Dixie
HISPA #56 Facil Rodriguez
"Scientific research has shown that 60% of the time, it works every time."
Hey turtlespeed, just do what I do when I need to smile, watch that video you made of me being thrown around the sky on the 4 way.Does the trick for me.
what goes oooooohhh ? a cow without any lips
skinnybloke
skies without industrial haze
Does the trick for me.
what goes oooooohhh ? a cow without any lips
skinnybloke
skies without industrial haze
QuoteSo this guy was going down on his new girlfriend and while he was down there is said, "Damn, thats a big pussy. Damn, thats a big pussy."
She asks why he said it twice and he says he didn't
Anyone know what movie thats from?
Chris
***
Predator
*****************************
Some Home remedies ...
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to potty.
If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!
~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~
Subject:
Oath Of Enlistment
For The Branches Of The U.S. Armed Forces
U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of my -- snicker -- "basic training," I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.
Signature:_________________________ Date:________________
U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harrassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So help me God.
Signature:_________________________ Date:________________
U.S. NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stencilled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.
Signature:_________________________ Date:________________
U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, ________________ (state name here), swear...uhhhh...high-and-tight.......cammies...ugh...Air Force women....OORAH! So help me Corps.
Thumb Print:_________________________ Date:________________
~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~
Oath Of Enlistment
For The Branches Of The U.S. Armed Forces
U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of my -- snicker -- "basic training," I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.
Signature:_________________________ Date:________________
U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harrassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So help me God.
Signature:_________________________ Date:________________
U.S. NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stencilled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.
Signature:_________________________ Date:________________
U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, ________________ (state name here), swear...uhhhh...high-and-tight....
Thumb Print:_________________________ Date:________________
~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~
Never look down on someone, unless they are going down on you.
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