bshl 0 #1 April 9, 2004 Okay, folks, here's what may be the ultimate chance to PW. Post your one liners here! ________ A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. When the government fears the people, that is democracy. When the people fear the government, that is tyranny. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. Dijon vu: The feeling you've had this mustard before. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. If the grass is greener on the other side, there’s probably more manure He’s a great artist; he draws flies. Blue skies and happy landings! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #2 April 9, 2004 Ahh we must be at the theatre - i saw you picking your seat Free cat. Mine!I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WrongWay 0 #3 April 9, 2004 (when leaving and saying goodbye) "Take her easy! If she's easy, take her twice!" "If I throw a stick, will you leave?" "He who stands on toilet is high on pot." "He who keeps nose to grindstone ends up with flat face." "Here, hold my beer." "Historians have concluded that Custards last thought was in fact "Wow that's a big fuckin' tamahawk......"" "Storybooks are bullshit. Eeyore was a whining jackass and girls think he's adorable." The last two were my originals, whadya think? Wrong Way D #27371 Mal Manera Rodriguez Cajun Chicken Ø Hellfish #451 The wiser wolf prevails. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BikerBabe 0 #4 April 9, 2004 sig...Never meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JRock 0 #5 April 9, 2004 Hey the year 1976 is calling you, it wants it's mullet back. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paige 0 #6 April 9, 2004 When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." ~Author Unknown Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne one sits on, one sits on one's bottom. ~Taki A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. ~Author Unknown If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schultz Sig line as wellTunnel Pink Mafia Delegate www.TunnelPinkMafia.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
batbex 0 #7 April 9, 2004 Ok just imagine a guy in a bar/club saying this, makes a change from the usual corny chatup lines 'Hey, what are you looking at?! its not going to suck itself!' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nbblood 0 #8 April 9, 2004 "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times" And my favorite Yogi Berra Quotes: "This is like deja vu all over again." "You can observe a lot just by watching." "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there." "I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early." "If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else." "If you can't imitate him, don't copy him." "You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six." "Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical." "It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much." "A nickel isn't worth a dime today." "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded." "It gets late early out there." "I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four." "If you come to a fork in the road, take it." "You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left." "90% of the putts that are short don't go in." "I made a wrong mistake." "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken." "If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them." "Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel." "The other teams could make trouble for us if they win." "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase." "You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours." "I didn't really say everything I said." Blues, NathanBlues, Nathan If you wait 'til the last minute, it'll only take a minute. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JustaBill 0 #9 April 9, 2004 "Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day"------------------------------------------------ I've done so much, with so little, for so long I'm now expected to do everything with nothing forever Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aviatrr 0 #10 April 9, 2004 My favorite one liner..... Shut the fuck up. Mike Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shananay 0 #11 April 9, 2004 YOU off my planet!!! Nice cologne, must you marinade in it?? Then this is by far the best, really happened to me....after long hours of indulging myself with liquor and partying like the best of em..this guy totally schmoozed me over with his charm. Ready for this one? He said: "That's such a fantastic shirt but it sure would look better on the sand..." we then skipped the talking and went straight to making out like wild animals. What can I say? I'm a sucker for charm. Do it Again! P.M.S. #22 LaLa Gang #4 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aviatrr 0 #12 April 9, 2004 Quote"That's such a fantastic shirt but it sure would look better on the sand..." we then skipped the talking and went straight to making out like wild animals. What can I say? I'm a sucker for charm. What? Nothing to see here....move along... Mike Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JRock 0 #13 April 9, 2004 No... you are just easy.... Pbbbbbbbbbft! Bwahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skymama 37 #14 April 9, 2004 My current favorite, thanks to Keith: I think you should start a memorial fund for what ever crawled up your ass and died.She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man, because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RoadRash 0 #15 April 9, 2004 Oh good grief...I am full of dumbass one-liners...I have a friend who said that I have "witticisms." I don't even know what a "witticism" is...but supposedly I am full of them...Check out half my posts...I can't seem to write one without a stupid one liner... ~R+R...And of course...at this moment in time...I am fresh out of sarcastic one-liners...::sigh::...~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Fly the friendly skies...^_^...})ii({...^_~... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
damion75 0 #16 April 10, 2004 Dont worry - I've got a few that you are welcome to use... Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake entire relationships. - Jimmy Shubert (on going to war over religion)... you're basically killing each other to see who has the better imaginary friend - Rich Jeni I found my wife in bed one day next to a vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a photo and sent it to Benneton. You never know! - Franck Dubosc My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading - Emo Phillips My Cousin just died and he was only 19. He got stung by a bee, the natural enemy of a tightrope walker... - Emo Phillips My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch! - Rich Jeni ----------------------------------------------- Ok, they are not QUITE one liners, but what the heck!*************** Not one shred of evidence supports the theory that life is serious - look at the platypus. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 7 #17 April 10, 2004 She says~ What kind of idiot do you think I am? He says~ How many kinds are there? Of course you found it in the LAST place you looked, what are ya gonna do...keep looking! My life went from a Disney movie to a Steven King... No matter where you go, There you are. ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 7 #18 April 10, 2004 Words of Wisdom! When the tides of life turn against you... And the waves upset your boat... Don't waste your tears on what might have been... Just lay on your back and float! -Ed Norton ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 7 #19 April 10, 2004 Military one liners - learned over years of war. War is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit" - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. "Aim towards Enemy" - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground. If the enemy is in range, so are you. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. When in doubt, empty the magazine. If God meant us to be in the Navy, we would have been born with gray, baggy skin. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. You, you, and you, come with me... the rest of you, Panic!! Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one. Incoming fire has the right of way. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. Tracers work both ways. Five-second fuses only last three seconds. Who cares if a laser guided 500 lb. bomb is accurate to within 9 feet? The easiest way is always mined. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer for anything. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you. Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. Push to test... Release to detonate. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you can't get out. Any ship can be a minesweeper... once. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them. When you're not ready for them. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps. Friendly fire - isn't. The side with the simplest uniforms wins. When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly. ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 7 #20 April 10, 2004 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me." ***** New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." ***** And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say, "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too." ***** Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." ***** Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye." ***** Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." ***** Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up, alphabetically by height." ....And.... "You guys pair up in groups of three then line up in a circle." ***** Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a Professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." ***** Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." ***** Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes." ***** Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." ***** Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of Championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro." ***** Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of Heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." ***** Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 Record: We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992) ***** Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982) ***** Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981) ***** Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966) ***** Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981) ***** Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991) ***** Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986) ***** Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991) ***** Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."(1996) ***** Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991) ****** Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991) ***** Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M,recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you are spending too much time on one subject." (1987) ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airtwardo 7 #21 April 10, 2004 GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. ~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydiver30960 0 #22 April 11, 2004 My view of life: Who am I to say that nothing ever comes to me, winter surrounds me, sun never shines on me, sky's always falling: I'm standing tall. --Slackjaw My favorite inspirational quote: The world is made a better place by those who refuse to believe they cannot fly. Just for grins, a couple Brooksisms: (Herb Brooks was the coach who led the 1980 U.S. Olympic Team to victory over the U.S.S.R.) "You guys look like a bunch of monkeys tryin' to fuck a football" and my personal favorite: "You guys are playing worse and worse every day, and right now you're playing like it's NEXT MONTH." Elvisio "what me worry" Rodriguez Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedRacer 1 #23 April 11, 2004 "Hi, I'm Jack Schitt. You look like you don't know me." Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
