Rules for contacting IT support ....

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried
under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we
find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from
here.

3. When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way
you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to
remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you
from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail
because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When IT support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at
once. We're just testing.

6. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill
your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags
it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it.

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer
support. We're collectors.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's
chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We
love a puzzle.

12. When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges
in them, argue. We love a good argument.

13. When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a
scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"
That motivates us.

14.When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print
jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all
68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what
you mean by "my thingy blew up".

17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog,
lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed
to have 20 kg of computer sitting on top of them.

19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin
crumbs and nail clippings in them.

20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button
as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it,
would you?

21. When you find an IT person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on
the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any
money to speak of anyway.

22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional
expertise referred to as crap.

23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT
support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional
engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

24. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call IT
support.

25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT support. We
love to hack.

26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third
party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

27. When you receive a 30 MB (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a
mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks.
Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

29. When an IT person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of
computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you
take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us
up no end.

30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People
out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on.

31. When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask
a computer question. We do weekends.

32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own.
Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave
the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers
somewhere.

34. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It
hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to
express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed
herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

____________________
Say no to subliminal messages

[CrazyIvan 0]

Also I'd lke to add a couple of pearls myself, these are believe it or not, TRUE, and both happened to me:

1- I went to this lady's office to replace her laptop (end of lease) and she had a COFFEE POT on top of the laptop (she uses a docking-station) and yes, like 2 tons of paper/documents on top (not to mention the empty soda cans, dirty napkins and straws)

2- On a monday morning, I got a frantic call from a 'big wig's' admin, she even came down to the lab with her boss' laptop in a box, the machine was DEAD, and I found WATER INSIDE, why?, because this GENIUS took his lappy with him when he went FISHING over the weekend, oh!, and BTW, he needed it fixed by monday afternoon

__________________________________________
Blue Skies and May the Force be with you.

[ifall 0]

-When you leave a message for IT help don't give your name or a number to reach you by we memorized what all 3,000 employees sound like and where to reach them at any given time.

-After leaving an emergency page on an IT pager immediatly leave your desk and hide somewhere so no on knows where your at or how to get a hold of you, we love playing hide 'n seek.

[JJohnson 0]

You computer geek....Hey by the way, so long as I got you here, how do stop my PC from......

What I really like is when you guys fix something and say that classic line "The data got corrupted." Yeah right! Like all my other software got together and bribed this one program or file just to piss me off.....We all know that the black candle, rabbits foot and crystals needed to be replaced....

JJ

"Call me Darth Balls"

[CrazyIvan 0]

Yup, and what about the LOCATION, I mean, buildings or complex buildings have 'addresses' like for example 7-3N-14 (building seven, 3rd Floor North, office/cube #14) and they just say: I'm the guy in Legal, third floor by the window and they indeed leave no extension to call back WTF IS THAT?

Yup, I know all about it.

__________________________________________
Blue Skies and May the Force be with you.

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

Had a pc in today (one that resides off site ie not networked). Customer was wondering why it was slow. There was only 5 different viruses on there. "How did that happen, I always have NAV running". Last time it was updated was Nov 2002.

____________________
Say no to subliminal messages

[PhillyKev 0]

Best one I had was the sales guy who kept bringing me his laptop after every sales trip. His hard drive was completely wiped every time...I mean, nothing.

Finally figured it out when he dropped it off in the laptop bag, which contained the 500 or so magnets that he gave away as promotional items.

[happythoughts 0]

"My A/P software is corrupted."
"What's wrong?"
"The checks won't print. I am so tired of this stupid software. Something is always broken."
"Try this Did anything print?"
"No. It's broken too apparently."
"Is the green light on the printer on? The 'online' light?"
"No."
"Turn that on."
"It won't come on."
"How about the red light? The 'power' light."
"It's not on either."
"Is the printer plugged in?"
"Yeah, that fixed it."

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

I quite like the ones I get where "I meant to turn the monitor off, only I turned the processor off instead. What do I do?" Ermm.... turn it back on?

____________________
Say no to subliminal messages

[CrazyIvan 0]

I tell you people, I have so many stories to fill a book, I guess the best happen in large corporations like the ones I mentioned, or even this, one of my favorites, a very 'bright' admin with printer problems, so, she unplugs her laptop, goes to the tech-node (a common room with a copy machine, fax and network printer), unplugs the NETWORK PRINTER OFF THE WALL AND PLUG IT TO THE LAN PORT in her laptop, to see if she can print the spreadsheet she needs.

__________________________________________
Blue Skies and May the Force be with you.

[Guest]

Quote

-When you leave a message for IT help don't give your name or a number to reach you by we memorized what all 3,000 employees sound like and where to reach them at any given time.

-After leaving an emergency page on an IT pager immediatly leave your desk and hide somewhere so no on knows where your at or how to get a hold of you, we love playing hide 'n seek.

From Boeing: make an AOG (Aircraft on the Ground - the highest priority) service call, then go home for the weekend. We love running around frantically for no reason.

mh

"The mouse does not know life until it is in the mouth of the cat."

[happythoughts 0]

"Last night, the Payroll update was running, but it was 5:00, so I turned of the machine. This morning I turned it back on, but it didn't keep going. What button do I push to make it continue? Is this a problem?"

"Ever heard the term 'techno-turnip'? "

[EricaH 0]

just to add a computer idiot's note in here.
I'm in Chicago, a small office of 60 people, all of whom have been here for at least 3 years. I personally know the IT guys in this office, we've gone to lunch, drinking & even dinner together.

NOW my company wants me to call NEW JERSEY to file an IT complaint. They want my cube number (we don't have them), exact location & floor - we're all on the same floor & if I don't see at least IT guy walk by 3 times a day, I wonder where they went (moved to a diff office?).

So, I file a complaint & like 4 hours later, the IT dept that's bout 80 ft away from my desk calls to clarify cause they just got the file & NJ didn't file it correctly - grrr.

There is no can't. Only lack of knowledge or fear. Only you can fix your fear.

PMS #227 (just like the TV show)

[Guest]

Quote

Best one I had was the sales guy who kept bringing me his laptop after every sales trip. His hard drive was completely wiped every time...I mean, nothing.

Finally figured it out when he dropped it off in the laptop bag, which contained the 500 or so magnets that he gave away as promotional items.

Good one - three "goofy"s...

Best one I ever heard of was from a radar shop where I used to work. Extremely strong magnets were used in some radar components, and were sometimes replaced, the surplus ones winding up in the shop somewhere.

Service call for bad 5-1/4 floppy disk. Customer had been using surplus radar magnet to fix floppy to filing cabinet......

mh

"The mouse does not know life until it is in the mouth of the cat."

[Guest]

Quote

"Last night, the Payroll update was running, but it was 5:00, so I turned of the machine. This morning I turned it back on, but it didn't keep going. What button do I push to make it continue? Is this a problem?"

"Ever heard the term 'techno-turnip'? "

PEBKAC...

mh

"The mouse does not know life until it is in the mouth of the cat."

[PhillyKev 0]

Then there's always the numerous 5.25" floppies being jammed in cd roms, and vice versa back when computers still had 5.25" drives.

[ifall 0]

I like when I'm called away to our call center (where I just was) and they really need to get these new reps up and working on the system. I hurry over there and get the lovely "OH it's working now". Sorry, I tried to call you and tell you.
Me: "The reason I get back to you guys so quickly is because I get PAGED every time I get a voicemail, leave a message!!!!"

By the way when I got back my caller ID didn't show any calls from the call center..

[WFFC 1]

Quote

I tell you people, I have so many stories to fill a book

Don't get me started...2700 users at one point...

-----
~~~Michael

[DeNReN 0]

I hear your woes...and this thread makes me want to start another relating to car owners and mechanics......ohhh the stories....

[LuvToFly 0]

Quote

So, I file a complaint & like 4 hours later, the IT dept that's bout 80 ft away from my desk calls to clarify cause they just got the file & NJ didn't file it correctly - grrr

That is what corporations call, "process." If you can make up a cool enough process with every conceivable stencil to represent every minor stage of the problem to the fix, it's perfect. And the less the higher-ups understand it, the better they think it is! (okay, stereotyping a bit. but let me have my fun!) Doesn't matter that it's inconvenient and sucks. Usually is the result of someone in the corporation whose job depends on Process Improvement.

Believe me, this can be just a frustrating for the tech person (my end) as the person needing help. Yes, we'd rather not have folks crashing in - but processes need to have outs to be effective. They can be efficient, but not effective.

- Okay good story:

Was managing the desktop team at a major corp and one of the team members came up to me and said he was sick of dealing with a particular woman who was gettin' very rude with him. She was sales, in the field, with laptop and seemed to call just about every day - and yet, there did not seem to be anything wrong with the hardware, O/S, etc. She said, "this laptop stinks! I can't even see the display in the slightest well-lit room. What good is it!"

Time came for a refresh, and when the laptop was sent in from the field, the same tech called me down and told I should see something.

There was a laptop case - which he unzipped and held upside down over the lab table. All this crap coming pouring out - like some big dust devil.

Turns out - this was not only being used as a laptop case (apparently) but it also had become a MakeUp Case. There was foundation powder throughout everything - the keyboard - even the internals. And you needed almost a Red-Devil scraper to get it off the screen.

"The helicopter approaches closer than any other to fulfillment
of mankind's ancient dreams of a magic carpet" - Igor Sikorsky

[flyangel2 2]

I just contact Renee, Kris, or you if I need help.

BTW, I want to see the WFFC video.

flyangle taps fingers on desk waiting

No excuse that you haven't gotten yours yet. Just figure out a way to make me happy.

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. - Edward Abbey

[CrazyIvan 0]

Quote

NOW my company wants me to call NEW JERSEY to file an IT complaint.

Another pearl, the company changed policies, so, now the user had to call the HELP DESK and open a ticket, now my company is located in NY and the call center in TEXAS, so, when a user called me directly I HAD TO TELL HIM/HER to call the help desk, after 30 minutes on hold, they open a ticket, they place it in my bin so I can take care of it. Is that stupid or what?, and please, don't dare to take care of the user WITHOUT a ticket, if you do that, a cowboy will chew your ass...Corporate America...gotta love it for its efficiency

__________________________________________
Blue Skies and May the Force be with you.

[ifall 0]

Quote

Believe me, this can be just a frustrating for the tech person (my end) as the person needing help.

I hear ya there. I fixed a problem for someone the other day and they were just so happy because apparently it had been that way for quite a while. They said they put a call in about it months ago but we never actually received it. So now I get people stopping me left and right when trying to get to my original destination. Then sometimes I forget what I originally came for. That is until I get back to the office. Luckily our call center is right around the block..

[teamhypoxia 0]

guy that works next to me wanted to burn a cd and apparently had never done it before.
So I explain it step by step without looking over at him cuz I'm working on my own stuff. at the end of it all, it doesn't work. only thing I can figure from his explanations, is that he's got a bad cd. so I grab another, walk over there and he hands me the one he was trying to burn. it's the freakin' clear plastic disc that they put on the top of the stack of blank disks when you buy them!!!

so I took it home and put a nice pretty label on it for him... something about how everything he knows about computers is contained on this disc.
it's currently hanging by his desk and he proudly shows it to everyone who comes in

[indyz 1]

Me: "Go ahead and restart your computer. I'll stay on the line with you."
[2 seconds later]
Lawyer: "Ok, it's done."
Me: "Alright, let me know when Windows has finished starting."
Lawyer: "No, it's done, it's already back in Windows."
Me: "Did you press the button on the screen, or the one on the box?"
Lawyer: "The one on the screen."
Me: [Slams head into desk]


Another time I went out to a client's office because their network was acting goofy. As I was kneeling on the floor examining their bargain basement broadband router and switch (lovingly cradled in a nest of tangled Cat 5 cable), something wet hit me on the back of the neck. I looked up and there was a huge stain on the ceiling. So I asked the secretary, "Is that leak recent?" "Yeah, we're still working on getting it fixed." Weeks of dripping water and routers don't mix, kids.