pop 0 #1 February 3, 2004 Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, & you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review. 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not what to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal but why do you suggest that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie & some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober. Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented? 5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase "Let's F***" is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you & why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off?? 6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m -hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if theproper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you from your biggest fan.7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jarcie 0 #2 February 3, 2004 Hey, Mike -- You know that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe you and alcohol need to take a break, cool off, spend some quality time with yourselves, re-connect with your other friends. Re-evaluate your relationship after a few weeks. How are you doing? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paige 0 #3 February 3, 2004 Nice post!!! Thanks for a good laughTunnel Pink Mafia Delegate www.TunnelPinkMafia.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Blahr 0 #4 February 3, 2004 Dear Michael, Thank you for the nice letter. Sorry. Not only will I not honor any of your requests, but I'm also going to do all I can to tear down your whole life and everything that you love. I'm glad you like me so much. That makes my job SOOOO much easier. I am going to ruin you You are MINE!!!! See you in hell. Love, Alcohol Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WrongWay 0 #5 February 3, 2004 Dear Pop, Shut the f*ck up, you know you love me just the way I am. Sincerely, Alcohol Wrong Way D #27371 Mal Manera Rodriguez Cajun Chicken Ø Hellfish #451 The wiser wolf prevails. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pop 0 #6 February 3, 2004 Alcohol, forgive me for I have sinned.....again 7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydiven4fun 0 #7 February 3, 2004 Excellent. I have never thought about quite like that. Still here after all these years Clayton Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Deuce 1 #8 February 3, 2004 (taptap)There is no need to write this melodramatic letter. As always, I am with you. Stupid. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheAnvil 0 #9 February 4, 2004 Dear Alcohol, In light of the pain tequilla causes me to experience, I wonder if you would be so kind as to at least reduce the price of Patron and Don Julio so I could enjoy their company more often? It's the least you could do. Midget Tequila Monster aka The Anvil Prospective Lawn GnomeVinny the Anvil Post Traumatic Didn't Make The Lakers Syndrome is REAL JACKASS POWER!!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jarcie 0 #10 February 4, 2004 So, Vinny, you'd like to experience pain more often? There are some interesting things we could do with that... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflir29 0 #11 February 4, 2004 Quote So, Vinny, you'd like to experience pain more often? There are some interesting things we could do with that... You don't own a leather cat suit by chance? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jarcie 0 #12 February 4, 2004 QuoteYou don't own a leather cat suit by chance? Are you offering to lend me yours? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflir29 0 #13 February 4, 2004 QuoteAre you offering to lend me yours? Yes......... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LoudDan 0 #14 February 4, 2004 "Omlette du fromage" is from Dexters Lab Coming soon to a bowl of Wheaties near you!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LoudDan 0 #15 February 4, 2004 ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol can cause you to have breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 300 yards. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode. Coming soon to a bowl of Wheaties near you!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheAnvil 0 #16 February 4, 2004 Is this an offer?Vinny the Anvil Post Traumatic Didn't Make The Lakers Syndrome is REAL JACKASS POWER!!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jarcie 0 #17 February 4, 2004 An offer? I wouldn't go that far... Just throwing out ideas. What I could do is hook you up with someone who might enjoy giving pain as much as you enjoy receiving it. On the other hand, that might upset your current pain-inflicting S.O., José Cuervo. Lemme know if you and José need a break... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 219 #18 February 4, 2004 Dear Mike, I do, truly value our friendship. That is why I am responding before the deadline you gave me. I would never ever do anything intentionally to hurt you, or embarass you. I am itemizing this response for clarity, in a hope that our friendship will remain in tact. 1)Phone Calls: Communication is important, as is cleansing the soul of the turmoil and kempt up feelings we hold deep in side. These feelings, if left to fester can ultimately lead to depressionn and suicide. Mike, I was only trying to save your life. 2) Eating: I am sorry you do not like my suggestions of what REAL quisine is. Perhaps if you got up earlier in the day, you would have more time to do the shopping. I'm not complaining, but I need something to work with if you would like a proper late night snack. Perhaps some Pork rinds would be prudent on the shopping list. (And I had nothing to do with the Nestle's Quick, that was your sweet tooth that suggested that) 3) Clumsiness: Mike, please, you SKYDIVE! I am truly sorry that you would feel the need to criticize me on my attempt to better your coordination. I am insulted and hurt that you would minimize the heart that I put forth to better your athletic skills. As for the bruises, no pain, no gain. The key buisness is unrelated, you should forward all comaints in this area to your eyes.(as you know, they have always been jealous of me and sabatoge alot of what i try to do to help you.) 4) Pictures: Why are you trying to limit yourself and your personal expression. Those items you are banning, if left unavailable for wear will significantly hinder the entire experiance, not to mention degrade the quality of the stories. Mike, com'on, we both know you wouldn't wish to be associated with "Boring" would you? As far as the friends go - personalities change, my bretheren have helped alot of people become more tolerable, and more fun to be around, you are just more receptive when i am influencing you, you can never have enough friends. 5) Beer Goggles: I don't know what to say about this. Mike, you are only human. Nature dictates that you need to propagate. It is the most basic instinct. As my choices may be lacking in the "Looks" department, you have al;ways told me that quantity is better than quality. Theses were your words, not mine. I'll try to help you attract better quality, but I only have so much to work with. 6) Hangovers: What? I am flabbergasted, I am shocked that you think these aches and pains are MY doing. I'm deeply distressed that you are so misinformed. The eyes, as I have pointed out, are jealous, and try to give me a bad name. They have obviously influenced the intestinal region to side with them. Hopefully one day we will be able to all get along, but in the near future, you should be worried about what your eyes are doing to sabatge our relationship. I even heard the bowels are siding with them as well. It truly is a shame that just because you have other "companions" for the part experiance that they should go on strike and refuse to even cooperate together. It is my belief that the bruises afore mentioned could be a direct result form this as well. I too value our friendship, and treasure the times when you talk to me about the problems in your life. I hope this letter has cleared up some of the issues once and for all. You know you can always tell me anything, anytime. I suggest we get together tonight and discuss these matters in person. It has always been my belief that we can work through any problems together, and I hope you feel the same. Your loving, helping, crutch, AlcoholI'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rebecca 0 #19 February 4, 2004 Texas Woman sues alcohol, its manufacturers and distributors. HOUSTON, TX - A woman is suing alcohol, and all of its manufacturers and distributors, foreign and domestic, for a public incident involving the exposure of both of the plaintiff's breasts. Rebecca of Houston, TX has filed a lawsuit claiming that the incident left her physically ill, induced vomiting, psychologically scarred her friends and has ruined sexual relations with her significant other. "I just couldn't believe what I did during the Superbowl party. How could alcohol allow me to expose both of my breasts in public?" Rebecca said. "I had just shotgunned two eighteen-ounce Miler Lights, which I bought at the local corner shop. When my breasts appeared I became physically ill and vomited before I could even make it to the restroom". According to the lawsuit, filed within hours of the incident, Rebecca claims her friends were psychologically scarred because they were first splattered with vomit and then laughed at her. "My own friends ran away from me screaming like I was some sort of puking boogeyman who was coming to get them. After I finished vomiting on the living room floor, they realized I was in a weakened, pathetic state and began to laugh at me. I am now in the process of hiring psychiatrists for myelf." Rebecca said in a strained voice. "Later in the evening, my boyfriend refused to be intimate with me after I had cleaned up. When he finally agreed to be intimate and took his clothes off in the dim light of our bedroom, all I could see were my big beautiful breasts with a little puke on one nipple staring back at me. Then to top it off, I swear that it morphed into Capitain Morgan's face! I suddenly realized I was still aroused with The Captain's face staring back at me. At this point my brain totally stopped working" Rebecca said while breaking down sobbing. "I don't think I'll ever be able to get it running again!" Alcohol and representatives for its distributors and manufacturers did not return calls regarding Rebecca's lawsuit. "I demand compensation because alcohol, its manufacturers and distributors went absolutely out of their way to make me look like a fool" Rebecca said. "I am asking other people to come foward and join my lawsuit against alcohol, its manufacturers and distributors." you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pleifer 0 #20 February 4, 2004 dear alcohol- thank you for giving me the courage to jump off the third floor balcony because it is soooo much quicker than the stairs.......... ohh that hurt _________________________________________ The Angel of Duh has spoke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pop 0 #21 February 4, 2004 BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Good one Turtle7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheAnvil 0 #22 February 4, 2004 I have enough pain in my life right now.....Vinny the Anvil Post Traumatic Didn't Make The Lakers Syndrome is REAL JACKASS POWER!!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pop 0 #23 February 4, 2004 My tequila and I are here for you!7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 219 #24 February 4, 2004 QuoteMy tequila and I are here for you! Tequila told me it was the limes fault. Salt was in on it with the lime though - so it's not JUST the lime to blame.I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GARYC24 3 #25 February 4, 2004 Thanks, you reminded me of a dream I had last weekend. I was drinking the world's largest margarita! I woke up hung-over went to bathroom and the toilet seat was cover with salt! Man, I am glad I didn't eat the worm! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
