poop thread

[captainpooby 0]

Whenever folks who have lived or traveled in Germany gather for a beer, sooner or later one subject is sure to rear its ugly head: what is the deal with those toilets?

German toilets are quite extraordinary. Other European toilets - well, the ones that aren't merely holes in the floor - work much like their North American cousins. They are shaped a little differently, but the basic principle is the same: the excrement either lands directly in the water or it slides down a steep slope into the water, before being flushed away. Simple, effective and clean. See?


"Normal" toilet

Not so the German toilet. The excrement lands on a bone-dry horizontal shelf, mere inches beneath one's posterior. Repeated flushings are required to slide the ordure off the shelf into a small water-filled hole, from which it hopefully disappears. See?


German toilet

I do not understand the purpose of this toilet. It does not save water - you must flush it eight or ten times to remove every last scrape and smear. It is not hygienic - the smell is ungodly. The only conceivable explanation is that Germans love to inspect their stool, so the German toilet of necessity features a built-in stool inspection shelf. I wouldn't be surprised if the more expensive models include a digital scale: "Mein Gott, zwei kilogram!" exclaims Günter, joyful and relieved.

Further research has revealed that the German toilet is in fact designed to facilitate stool examination. This is a wise, healthy practice, argue Germans, a person's best defence against intestinal disease, water-borne parasites or worm-riddled, undercooked pork sausage. While this made perfectly good sense around 1900, thanks to improvements in public health the whole shelf business should have become obsolete shortly after World War II.

Germans, however, see nothing amiss. They actually like their toilets. Some even dislike North American toilets. You splash yourself, they claim. I don't think this is possible. I've never splashed myself sitting on the toilet. For the wave to reach one's bottom, one would need to eject a hefty pellet at tremendous velocity. I think they're making that up.

We've had innumerable bad experiences with German toilets. In Berlin, we lived on an upper floor and the water pressure was too weak to push a healthy-sized log off the shelf. After a few minutes' fruitless flushing you'd be forced to grab a wad of toilet paper and give the horrid thing an encouraging nudge. Then followed a lengthy bout of brushing and cleaning to remove the skid marks from the porcelain. At the other extreme, in Munich we lived in a basement suite where the water pressure was too high. Worse, the shelf was actually slightly concave, forming a shallow bowl. The first time I flushed the toilet the water came rushing through so forcefully that a small chunk of poo launched off the lip and shot out over the floor. After that we always held the lid down when we flushed. I swore you could feel a kick as the turd ricoched off the underside.

The German toilet's shortcomings are not limited exclusively to Number Twos. It is almost impossible for males to urinate while standing without soaking the bathroom. Urine sprays everywhere. There is a technique, but is tricky and requires a certain degree of penile agility: bestride the toilet and direct the stream vertically down into the hole at the front of the shelf. If you are sufficiently flexible and accurate, it's relatively clean, though it makes one hell of a noise.

The alternative, of course, is to pee sitting down - the dreaded Sitzpinkel. Herein lies the source of much gender conflict, for German women have become increasingly militant in their efforts to encourage or enforce the Sitzpinkel Rule. It's not uncommon to see little stickers on the underside of toilet lids, reminders to less civilized males that they really need to embrace their feminine side and sit the hell down.



An American friend was once at a party where, on his way to the bathroom, he was accosted by the hostess who demanded loudly in front of the other guests that he not pee standing up. The male counter-reaction has been predictably lame, only a few sad jokes here and there. Me, I've made promises, I've tried to be good, but somehow the instinct not to Sitzpinkel runs very deep. I just try not to spray.


http://www.spies.com/~scott/misc/toilet.htm

[happythoughts 0]

Billy, you've just got too much time on your hands. Weather day?

[McDuck 0]

I'm not only not going to look at those pics, I can't understand why anyone would think this is worth sharing.

Kevin - Sonic Beef #5 - OrFun #28
"I never take myself too seriously, 'cuz everybody know fat birds don't fly." - FLC
Online communities: proof that people never mature much past high school.

[Kramer 0]

What fascinating research. Thanks Billy.

You should try the Mexican toilet sometime...not much fun. (Disclaimer: I realize most parts of Mexico have perfectly fine working toilets...just not the place I was at ).

-Kramer

The FAKE KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMER!!!!!!!!!

[RoadRash 0]

OH MY GOD!!!! I AM LAUGHING SO HARD THAT I AM CRYING!!!!!!! ;_;

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Fly the friendly skies...^_^...})ii({...^_~...

[freeflir29 0]

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The only conceivable explanation is that Germans love to inspect their stool

"You guys......my Mom is not in a German Scheitzer movie!!!" -Eric Cartman

[pop 0]

Thanks. I learn something new every day!!

7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer

[captainpooby 0]

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Billy, you've just got too much time on your hands. Weather day?

Yep. Windy as all get out. SOCOM guys landing in the swamp and all.
Gusting to 25mph.

[quack 0]

OK, I'm LMAO! And I'm laughing from experience with those things. They have them in Hungary as well. I could never figure out the purpose of the little shelf.

(Sooner or later every conversation turns to bodily functions / toilet humour. You just cut to the chase.)

But you have to understand, mental illness is like cholesterol. There is the good kind and the bad. Without the good kind- less flavor to life. - Serge A. Storms

[Lee03 0]

Sounds like a "shitty" topic to me!

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To put your life in danger from time to time ... breeds a saneness in dealing with day-to-day trivialities.

--Nevil Shute, Slide Rule

[bshl 0]

Holy cow, Billy - I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! Looking at people's comments, I think it's one of those things that you have to see or, better yet, experience to appreciate. Those things always frightened me. I've seen the squatters and, while odd from an American standpoint, I can accept them. These shelf things, though, are peverted.

Let's face it, a guy (or gal - admit it) can take a pretty mean dump sometimes. When I felt it might build a pyramid rather than situate itself neatly on the shelf I tended toward doing the hoverbot. Something about the short distance just never did please me.

I've looked around; we have to find a photo so other folks can see what you mean; the pics you found originally just don't do it justice.

Was this an original post? Did you write it. That was funny!!!

Blue skies and happy landings!

[Guest]

hehehe

Brings back memories of Bitburg (82-84) . Thanx!

mh

"The mouse does not know life until it is in the mouth of the cat."

[Kramer 0]

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Was this an original post? Did you write it.

Not to blow out Billy's candles...but he credited it.

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http://www.spies.com/~scott/misc/toilet.htm

-Kramer

The FAKE KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMER!!!!!!!!!

[Guest]

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Quote

The only conceivable explanation is that Germans love to inspect their stool

"You guys......my Mom is not in a German Scheitzer movie!!!" -Eric Cartman

LMAO!

mh

"The mouse does not know life until it is in the mouth of the cat."

[bshl 0]

Duh. Slap me around. I was so amused I didn't see the URL at the bottom. Thanks, Cory.

Blue skies and happy landings!

[dgskydive 0]

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Germans, however, see nothing amiss. They actually like their toilets. Some even dislike North American toilets. You splash yourself, they claim. I don't think this is possible. I've never splashed myself sitting on the toilet. For the wave to reach one's bottom, one would need to eject a hefty pellet at tremendous velocity. I think they're making that up.


SPLASHING can be a very real problem! We have a guy at work that splashes all the time! Not a very pretty sight! Why doesn't he get it? Wipe it down when you are done! I would hate to see his toilet at home!

I know where you are coming from. I have had many bad experiences with the toilets in Germany. They usually ended up with sticking your finger in something you really would have rather not! Yuck! I was so happy the day I got to move into post housing and we got normal toilets again! It's the little things about the U.S. that you miss when you travel!

Dom

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[yardhippie 0]

Really? I never really had any issues w/ toilets in Germany. I spent time in Heidleberg, Veisbaden, Frankfurt, and Limon. I remember them being a bit different, but never had issues w/ a single flush not gettin the job done, but my dads place it extremley new.
But Venesuela.... thats a weird one! All the toilets,WCs, bathrooms (what ever ya wanna call it) have little signs in them. Askin you NOT to put paper of ANY KIND in the toilet.... so what the HELL do you do w/ it you ask? Put in a trash can, most of them have flip top lids and a little foot pedal to open it, but mucho nasty all the same to me.

Goddam dirty hippies piss me off! ~GFD
"What do I get for closing your rig?" ~ me
"Anything you want." ~ female skydiver
Mohoso Rodriguez #865

[TypicalFish 0]

F O U L

"I gargle no man's balls..." ussfpa on SOCNET

[BethUK 0]

You ever been to a public toilet in france..."hole in the ground" - well enough said...see if anyone can figure them out!!

Disclaimer: Obviously not all french toilets look like this...but even if there was just one....WHY!?

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"This isn't flying...it's falling with style!" Buzz Lightyear - Toystory 1

[TypicalFish 0]

Nice touch with the hanging brush...

"I gargle no man's balls..." ussfpa on SOCNET

[BethUK 0]

ewww, hadnt even noticed THAT!!!!! ha ha....Bx

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"This isn't flying...it's falling with style!" Buzz Lightyear - Toystory 1

[freeflir29 0]

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"hole in the ground"

That's what toilets look like in MANY parts of the world. That's where the saying "Kimche Squat" comes into play in Korea. The funnier part is that people can be seen waiting for buses on the street doing the same squat. With their pants still up of course.

[gulaz 1]

About the freaky strange toilets, they are hard to use, you need thighs of steel, and if its a read the paper type of break you need, you better have some endurance. I remember some of them even had hoses nearby, for when you missed. Oh, and in some small european country (cant remember which one) the toilet doubled as the shower! Some dz.commers pee in the shower, as we learned the other day, but with this arrangement, you can have your morning number two during your shower, saves some time.

[freeflygoddess 0]

Yes the German toilets are weird, but hey at least you didn't give birth over there...The Germans still give enimas while you are in labor and let me tell ya with out going into detail...Those German toilets are scarey and I hate them!!!! I really hate them!!!!

[kallend 2,093]

Polish toilets used to be the same as the German ones, but I gather the have adopted the "normal" design in recent years.

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The only sure way to survive a canopy collision is not to have one.