Jayruss 0 #1 December 4, 2003 Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load stuff into a truck. I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..." I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick? Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got. This thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential. I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips... This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty. At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick." I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible... I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly... I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough" I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said "Whatever. Cut em up." A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah, reminds me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine. In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world. Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. G*****n it Otto, you are an alcoholic. G*****n it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right. I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufranes. No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You all are selfish....the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct take over their mouths, and they're hungry. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufranes. __________________________________________________ "Beware how you take away hope from another human being." -Oliver Wendell Holmes Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Yoshi 0 #2 December 4, 2003 some of those are great... I keep laughing and people are looking at me like wtf? I like this one: Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got. This thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up"_________________________________________ this space for rent. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #3 December 4, 2003 QuoteWhen you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. Next time you go to a restaurant with a large group, put down your name as Jesus. "Jesus, party of twelve, your table is ready..." I just like to hear them announce it. I used to use "Donner", but so few people go it. "Now seating the Donner party..." (The group that was trapped in the mountains and ate each other). Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PhillyKev 0 #5 December 4, 2003 When I'm waiting in a restaurant and they call someone's name who never answers, I say it's me. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #6 December 4, 2003 Since my name is Bill and 8 out of 10 people are apparently named Bill, I can pull than one off with plausible deniability. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #7 December 4, 2003 If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. I love it!I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jayruss 0 #8 December 4, 2003 Quotesome of those are great... I keep laughing and people are looking at me like wtf? I like this one: Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got. This thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up" I too feel this is the best one . . . __________________________________________________ "Beware how you take away hope from another human being." -Oliver Wendell Holmes Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
velo90 0 #9 December 4, 2003 QuoteIf you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. I love it! A wooden chair is flammable and has legs. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rebecca 0 #10 December 4, 2003 Bwahaha!! I was actually reading this silently, but with an English accent, before I read the "In England" part about Smacky the Frog. Did anyone else do that? Or am I just very weird? Who wrote these? I was picturing Eddie Izzard, but it's not quite his style... Bill - you make me laugh! you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FrogNog 1 #11 December 4, 2003 I gotta say the pringles one busted me up the hardest. I can totally visualize that one. -=-=-=-=- Pull. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #12 December 4, 2003 QuoteQuoteIf you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. I love it! A wooden chair is flammable and has legs. If you believe that you are a chair, then you have far more challenging issues. If you are going to imagine, be something practical like a raft. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #13 December 4, 2003 QuoteQuoteQuoteIf you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. I love it! A wooden chair is flammable and has legs. If you believe that you are a chair, then you have far more challenging issues. If you are going to imagine, be something practical like a raft. Can I imagine I'm Jeffrey Jet?I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Meathorse 0 #14 December 4, 2003 QuoteWho wrote these? Can't remember his name... some scrawny long haired guy . He did a half hour stand up thing on Comedy Central.... that looks like his routine word for word. He used no transitions what-so-ever and spoke in a dull, flat voice. Not quite a Steven Wright tone... but along the same idea Damn funny! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #15 December 4, 2003 Mitch Hedberg That guy is hysterical. Deadpan delivery. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
