HELP!

[Canuck278 0]

Hmm, figured this might be a good place to post this....I need some help with a a couple things....Ad i need to try and figure out some stuff.....Been through a really shitty ass relationship with my ex....Been away a lot in the middle east..navy and all...anyway she was cheating on me, i ended up being in a relationship i just didn't want to be in...unfortunatly it lasted over a year past where I wanted out...not sure why i never did actually leave, but hey thats done with. Well last trip at xmas we finally broke up, i was in the gulf still and not returning till may....ended up coming home to a very empty apartment....very empty....anyway it ended up being a very happy time for me....I was actually happy for the first time in a long time....and i'm still incredibly happy...however after over a year of a hurtful relationship...i guess i just kinda fall back into it with someone new...just like a little stupid thing will cause my mouth to blurt out something that is totally not me...and after i feel like crap but it's almost like a reflex reaction, like someone new accidentally triggered an old standby reaction somewhere in the back of my brain....anyway i don't want this to screw up what i might be able to have....and i don't know what to do about it...

Steve
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap.

[flyangel2 2]

Sorry, but I'm not following what you're asking.

Are you asking how to get over feeling with the old relationship in order to be able to go into a new relationship?

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. - Edward Abbey

[Canuck278 0]

yup...

Steve
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap.

[flyangel2 2]

Take what you've learned in your "broken" relationship as a learning experience. Most people take bad experiences into relationships as bad baggage. Don't compare this new gal with the one that cheated.

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. - Edward Abbey

[moodyskydiver 0]

Its almost impossible to keep your past relationships from affecting your current or furutre relationships.Any time you spend you emotional/mental energy on or with someone it will leave an emotional residue on your life.I was having a discussion with a good friend over the weekend about something similar.We tend to do a complete about-face, knee-jerk reaction after a breakup.We do the total opposite of what we had done in the past or date someone totally opposite from our ex in an attempt to avoid being hurt again by similar situations.Why? Our new emotional interest may not have anything in common with our past, be we compare, act out or sometimes(sadly enough) take out our frustrations/bad exerpiences w/our exs out on our new mate.Its hard.Maybe its just human nature,I don't really have the answers.Just keep it in mind that your new love interest is not your ex and has not hurt you or done the things that your ex has done.Just keep it in your mind that you are with your new interest not your ex.Don't write off one b/c you were hurt/had a bad experience with the other.Good luck.

*getting off soapbox now* Sorry

"...just an earthbound misfit, I."

[Canuck278 0]

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*getting off soapbox now* Sorry

thanks, i needed a reason to laugh

Steve
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap.

[wmw999 2,480]

Often it takes time, and hanging around people, including those of the opposite sex, in a non-romantic relationship.

Obviously if you live in a sexually-segregated society with rigid gender-based roles that doesn't apply. Otherwise, you have to integrate the last relationship into your whole life, rather than having it be front and center in your memory.

That's why it's called rebound

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[BlueEyedMonster 0]

OK... I may not be as tacktful of the ladies... but I to have been on both the giving and receiving end of what you are talking about.

BAGGAGE is a horrible thing. Its a relationship killer. Nobody likes to deal with it. Especially your girlfriend.

You have "learned" your bad reactions and been mentally programmed or conditioned just like Pavlov's dogs.

However this subconscious conditioning can be unprogrammed. As long as your girl has patience to put up with you, and points it out to you when you do it (or you recognize it) and you are rewarded for your good behavior (a mental pat on the back will do) Your conditioned responses will eventually revert back to the good ole canuck278.

[skytrixaz 0]

First of all and most important of all is getting to the point where you can forgive. When you forgive, it doesn’t mean that you approve of what your ex did or what’s happened. It just means that you’re giving yourself permission to move on with your life. The pain that you went through in your relationship is inevitable but you have the choice if you want to continue to suffer with feelings of guilt, hurt, frustration, and fear. Here’s the trick, while the pain may never totally disappear, forgiveness will help you release the anger and in turn bring your current girlfriend, family, and friends closer to you. What you seem to be experiencing is a lot of anger as a result of your painful relationship. Since you gave the relationship an additional year before ending it, sounds like you tried to work out the issues before ending it. Just tell yourself that you did everything you could to resolve your relationship situation and that you accept the fact that it didn’t work. Recovering from a relationship ending is different for everyone…for some people making peace comes quickly and for some of us it takes time and effort. You are being challenged to grow as a person and to make some positive life changes. You mention: “just like a little stupid thing will cause my mouth to blurt out something that is totally not me”. Things don’t just come out of your mouth…you make the choice to say them. Yeap…sometimes we do react and things just seem to pour out...but really it’s a choice. Relationships require emotional integrity. Be honest and own what you're saying and what you're doing. You’ve identified the fact that you are falling into destructive behaviors and sabotaging your new relationship (of course not intentionally…but rather subconsciously). You may be stuck in some old behaviors and family patterns. I would strongly recommend that you find a counselor who treats thoughts as behaviors (cognitive thinking) and with a few sessions can help you identify unhealthy behavior patterns and help with your internal dialogue. This technique will challenge your own beliefs and you may give you a better sense of whether or not they're logical. Because there is no reality — only perception of what you’ve experienced in life. It takes time so don’t give up. Feel free to send me a PM and I can recommend some books to help you get started. If your current relationship is distressed, the most important person for you to change might be yourself. Once you identify the destructive behaviors, then and only then can you can choose to remove them from your life. I may be way off base on this and its “ok” for you to say so. Just my opinion from what I read in your post.
You can do it!!! Just one day at a time…

[2fat2fly 0]

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Its almost impossible to keep your past relationships from affecting your current or furutre relationships.

That is very true, but it's in how you apply it. My wife (2nd), will never understand how much better of a husband that she has due to all the stuff I learned while being a shitty husband the first go around. There is always something that you can build on to either make you a better partner or to help you choose a better partner. Hang on to the positives.

I am not the man. But the man knows my name...and he's worried

[trumpetfish 0]

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Take what you've learned in your "broken" relationship as a learning experience. Most people take bad experiences into relationships as bad baggage. Don't compare this new gal with the one that cheated.

I agree. Might be an obvious thing to say but often coming out of a long term relationship you can forget that there are of course all kinds of women out there, don't assume they will all 'dump' on you given the chance.

I reckon as well you can sometimes find yourself dating people that will expose your insecurities. Prehaps subconciously you've chosen this. Ain't always a bad thing, we all have to grow and most of the time life will only throw at you what you're ready to deal with.

good luck dude.

ps. didn't mean you chose to be cheated on! can someone help me remove my foot from my...