Monday Funnies

[PhoenixFire 0]

The Best Law Enforcement :

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming."

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

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Dirty Fork:


A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

Peace Be Da Journey

[bch7773 0]

harharhar
I liked the last one.

MB 3528, RB 1182

[airtwardo 7]

Subj: California Drivers Exam

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in
California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam,
and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a
new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique
in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the
California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a
special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles
Metropolitan Area.

2003 STATE OF CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name:___________________ Stage Name: __________________
Agent:___________________ Attorney:____________________

Therapist name:_________________

Sex: ___Male ___Female ___Formerly Male ___Formerly
Female ____Both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.

If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:
____________________________________________ . Use extra pages, if necessary.

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue
[ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading

Please! indicate how many times you expect to:
a) Shoot at other drivers ______
b) Be shot at while driving _____

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your
car on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) Stop your car.
b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy
sessions per week: ______.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) Haldol
h) Mellaril
i) Artane
j) All of the above
k) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license, registration and 'proof of insurance' ready.
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) Using your directional signals.
b) What is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) The wiper blades
b) The belts
c) The horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
a) Security
b) Convenience
c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) Dark, poorly lit roads
b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) Revenge!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~