Why the marriage-phobia?

[Tonto 1]

Well whether you agree to them or not - you are still held to common law.

In SA, a couple who has co-habited for a period of 6 months is deemed to be married in common law.
If you want a definition of co-habit, its 2 or more consecutive nights a week - to nail those weekend types at the DZ.

For me - the fear is about the kids. Having them - losing them - paying for them - and having to see that woman every second weekend for the rest of my life.

As a friend of mine once said... if you feel like getting married, just go out and buy a house for someone you hate.

t

It's the year of the Pig.

[juanesky 0]

Quote

Marriage is a decision, one that takes making again and again. The magic is that when it works, it's magic, because two people decide, again and again, that the decision is worth making.

I think is more of a commitment. A lifetime one, that apparently no one seems to be able to hold sacred.

"According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon

[txblondie 0]

Quote

Well whether you agree to them or not - you are still held to common law.

In SA, a couple who has co-habited for a period of 6 months is deemed to be married in common law.
If you want a definition of co-habit, its 2 or more consecutive nights a week - to nail those weekend types at the DZ.

For me - the fear is about the kids. Having them - losing them - paying for them - and having to see that woman every second weekend for the rest of my life.

As a friend of mine once said... if you feel like getting married, just go out and buy a house for someone you hate.

t

Wow, that's insane. Six months? In Texas, it's something like 7 years.
Still, I think that last statement is a bad attitude toward marriage. Just because you don't like the idea doesn't mean it's a bad idea, and it doesn't mean anyone should discourage someone else.

BadDog--I think that's a bad way to look at it. Imagine you meet the person of your dreams, and you tell them about this idea. When you tell her, she is devastated because she wanted to get married, and she says that your relationship has come so far that, if you don't want to marry her, she doesn't want to stick around (some women are like that, and it has nothing to do with money--it's the symbol of your commitment). What are you going to do then? Are you going to say, "Honey, I love you, but I refuse to pacify the government by marrying you, so it was nice knowing you"?
I don't think you would...and if you would, then that's pretty cold...

*****************************************
Blondes do have more fun!

[juanesky 0]

Quote

Quote

Well whether you agree to them or not - you are still held to common law.

In SA, a couple who has co-habited for a period of 6 months is deemed to be married in common law.
If you want a definition of co-habit, its 2 or more consecutive nights a week - to nail those weekend types at the DZ.

For me - the fear is about the kids. Having them - losing them - paying for them - and having to see that woman every second weekend for the rest of my life.

As a friend of mine once said... if you feel like getting married, just go out and buy a house for someone you hate.

t

So this is all it is to you the material aspect of it? I think we are on the same boat here, I lost it all, yet in a future, I visualize myself growing old with a woman whom I will care for for the rest of my days. Most likely I will request a pre-nup, just to keep what I currently have for my daughter, yet it does not mean you can not make things anew, and try to move on from that point on together.

The sad part it is that you could be willing to be involved in superficial interactions with your GF or whatever for the rest of your days. That is not something I look forward to.........

Blue ones, my friend, and hope you find peace within yourself

"According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon

• Quote

[txblondie 0]

So this is all it is to you the material aspect of it? I think we are on the same boat here, I lost it all, yet in a future, I visualize myself growing old with a woman whom I will care for for the rest of my days. Most likely I will request a pre-nup, just to keep what I currently have for my daughter, yet it does not mean you can not make things anew, and try to move on from that point on together.

The sad part it is that you could be willing to be involved in superficial interactions with your GF or whatever for the rest of your days. That is not something I look forward to.........

Blue ones, my friend, and hope you find peace within yourself

[Tonto 1]

"Just because you don't like the idea doesn't mean it's a bad idea, and it doesn't mean anyone should discourage someone else."

Activate Sense of humor mode....

Well, it does, really. I don't like the idea of 1st jumpers committing to a life in the sport and so getting 97sq ft Stilleto's on their 1st jump. That's dangerous. If I'd done that - and been femured - I'd want to warn others of the risks involved.

Deactivate Sense of humor mode...

We all think we can beat the odds. That's what makes us human. We all think we're special, and that we'll try - and never give up. We all watched the "and they lived happily ever after" endings.

My parents have been married 49 years - and are madly in love. I'm quite sure that if one were to die - the other would wither and be gone within a month. It can work.

But.

A lot is beyond your control, and a lifetime can throw a lot of variables at you. People have different value structures - and some people can justify things to themselves that they cannot justify to you. Being in love makes it harder - not easier. We don't look for the pitfalls. We believe we can slay dragons and conquer worlds. But sometimes you just find out that you can't. And that's OK. Sometimes pulling the plug is the right thing to do.

t

It's the year of the Pig.

[meatmissile 0]

Well, there are times I wish I was not married. I think that it happens to every married person once in a while. The trick is to spend some time alone sometimes. I think a lot of marriages fail because partners suffocate each other in the belief that only "us" now exist, and that "me" and "you" have been merged somehow. Dead wrong.

A marriage with some breathing space is the perfect situation. And getting through the rough patches with grace helps a lot.

Advice for guys: Look at the hotties. Don't touch.

Advice for girls: Let it go. We heard you the first time.

Works for me .

--
ZZZzzzz....

[juanesky 0]

Eric,

This is not intended to be a repraisal of any sort for the way you think. You have every right based on your experience.

Based on mine, the only pearl of wisdom i can think of, is that if you don't let that hurting go away, the worse it is. One of the most difficult things for us Humans is to forgive, plain and simple forgive, not half way, but all the way and move on.

This will set you free, on my part I can tell you that I could not harbour, and asked god for the strength in not to hate anyone. I accept every bit of what happened to me responsibly, even though she is total nuts (loca), I see all this as her loss and not mine, after the fact of my relinquishing all my assets in order to avoid a looooong legal proceeding and seing her more than I needed to. THere was nothing for me to do, except not regreting giving it all. It has only made me stronger.

"According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon

[txblondie 0]

I totally agree for the most part. Your comparison to skydiving is right on. I WOULD discourage someone from marrying the person they just met three weeks ago (although my parents were engaged in three weeks, they are the MAJOR exception to the rule). However, if they've been in a commited relationship for several months or years, power to them if they think they can make a marriage work; it's their business, not mine!
Yes, life does throw its curve balls at you, but the marriage vows say "for better or worse, till death do us part". There are a few exceptions to this rule as well, but not "I've fallen out of love with you" or that sort of cop-out. Why? Because the only reasons you would "fall out of love" with someone is because you either never truly loved them to begin with or because you didn't work at your marriage. Marriage is not an institution that can be taken lightly. When you take your vows, you are agreeing to work at keeping the fire alive. If you don't do that, you've already broken those vows.
Of course marriage should never be taken lightly. I think that is the first point I made. No one should go into it with the feeling of "there's always divorce". That's the point I'm trying to make. If you have serious doubts, by all means, don't get married. If you have some doubts, but they aren't serious, don't be afraid. You could be missing out on something wonderful.

*****************************************
Blondes do have more fun!

[Tonto 1]

"I visualize myself growing old with a woman whom I will care for for the rest of my days. "

Me too, but she'd better hurry. I'm growing old.

I never lost anything finacially. I lost being with my daughter, reading to her etc. I gained another daughter - a gift - since I'm not the biological dad, but my relationship with her is precious.

It's been years and years since I got divorced. This thread is about whether or not we're afraid of marraige - and if so, why? These are my views - but I have no doubt that I have a future with someone. I'm just afraid of making the same mistake twice.

t

It's the year of the Pig.

[juanesky 0]

Quote

"I visualize myself growing old with a woman whom I will care for for the rest of my days. "

Me too, but she'd better hurry. I'm growing old.

I never lost anything finacially. I lost being with my daughter, reading to her etc. I gained another daughter - a gift - since I'm not the biological dad, but my relationship with her is precious.

It's been years and years since I got divorced. This thread is about whether or not we're afraid of marraige - and if so, why? These are my views - but I have no doubt that I have a future with someone. I'm just afraid of making the same mistake twice.

t

I knew we were on the same boat. But I have made all the things possible to be part of my daughter's life. Skydiving is a giant mind opener, for it is an attitude to all things I do in life, not just when in a DZ.

Blue ones my friend.

"According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon

[Thanatos340 1]

Love is an Illusion created to perpetuate another Illusion called Marriage resulting in a reality called Divorce!!
(Who can name the movie that quote is from?)

The basic problem with Marriage is that it is a contract between a Man and Woman that says if we ever disagree the Woman gets everything the Man owns. At least that is the way it still works in the Deep South. Why would I sign that Contract?

[chopchop 0]

I think if 2 people want to be together, they can.. When they don't want to be (not if but when), marriage makes them miserable, if they are not married, they can easily go their separate ways.. to lead happy lives with people they want to be with.. I really find it amazing (in a good way) when a marriage lasts like JP and Corrinne but I also have to ask them... Would it have worked without the legal binding?

chopchop
gotta go... Plaything needs a spanking..

Lotsa Pictures

[jceman 1]

Quote

The basic problem with Marriage is that it is a contract between a Man and Woman that says if we ever disagree the Woman gets everything the Man owns. At least that is the way it still works in the Deep South. Why would I sign that Contract?

Someone's been feeding you BS and you've been taking it.

It is far from that in Montgomery, Aladamnbama, and you don't get any more Deep South than that; the law there is so lax that it is easy to divorce and if the couple agree to a financial settlement, the judge will just rubber stamp it. If it is blatantly obvious that one of the partners is getting the shaft, he may ask for clarification/explanation, but "you agreed, you live with it" is the rule.

I think the phobia comes from one simple fact -- too many people are too lazy to put the effort into anything to make it work, let it be a commitment to another person or an idea. Stability is not a big feature of our society today; the "forever" has left the workplace and the home.

It takes an effort to make something worthwhile; it takes just as much effort to keep something worthwhile. Sometimes you even have to take something apart to fix it, that's what I had to do 12 years ago.

But I'm no expert, so don't listen to me. If you want to pick my worthless brain, some see me at Rantoul. Just don't bother me on Sunday, we'll be too busy celebrating our 35th anniversary.

Faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, more money.

Why do they call it "Tourist Season" if we can't shoot them?

[txblondie 0]

The basic problem with Marriage is that it is a contract between a Man and Woman that says if we ever disagree the Woman gets everything the Man owns. At least that is the way it still works in the Deep South. Why would I sign that Contract?

[Thanatos340 1]

First Off: Congratulations on 35 Years of Marriage. That is no small accomplishment and you have every right to very proud of it. I am very happy that it has woked so well for you.

My post was meant to be slightly humorous but I do believe that there is a good bit of truth to it. I have witnessed way too many divorces with friends getting the shaft and they did not agree to it. The Judge ordered it.

Several Comedians have said it is better to go out every few years and Buy some random female a new house and give her half their money. It would be a lot easier that way. It is funny because there is some truth to it for them.

I don’t understand why it makes a difference if there is a Legal contact between two people if they truly love each other. What is the Purpose of the Contract? Who is being protected by the contract? What are the Benefits of the Contract?

I have been in a Committed Relationship for 7 years with the same person. We have lived together for the past 4 years. I get the why don’t you get married question constantly. I can only reply “Why should I?” We are very happy together. She has her Money and I have mine. No potential for argument there. If we did ever decide to split up, she has her stuff, I have mine. No need for Lawyers and Judges to get involved. Also my Girlfriend and I both have good Jobs and have a combined income of well over 6 figures. If we get married our Tax burden would increase over $5000 a year over what it is now. What do we get for our 5 Grand?
People hate it when I bring this up because they say it should be about Love. Well I dont need a Contract to love someone unconditionally and they should not demand a legal contract to love me.

We are very committed to each other but I have many issues with the institution of "Marriage". No one has ever given me a purely logical and rational reason why we should get married.

[Deuce 1]

Quote

I really find it amazing (in a good way) when a marriage lasts like JP and Corinne but I also have to ask them... Would it have worked without the legal binding?

No. It wouldn't have. Having kids was fundamentally life-changing. Then I got hurt at work and it was a hot, dark, miserable place for a while. We started with nothing and had a very comfortable lifestyle and two beautiful kids at that point.

Yes, in California after 10 years of marriage there is a "lifelong commitment", meaning the stay-at-home Mom gets financial support forever. That wasn't a real big deal, cause my wife makes good money.

The hard part was calming the hell down and talking about how neither of us liked the life we were in then, and describing a future that both of us could agree on and work toward. I think of this as "renegotiating the deal". Before either partner makes a big directional change in thier life, they have to agree to it.

A challenge is when one partner wants to make a change that unintentionally causes discomfort to the other, and then the other INTENTIONALLY causes discomfort back.

Something like: "I want to skydive"

"Fine, I want to go on a singles cruise"

See, those two things aren't connected. ( And Corinne never said that) Something similar might be, "OK, then I'll watch the kids on Saturday while you do that, but on Sunday I want you to watch then while I play in a coed volleyball league"

Yeah, Roy, the institution of marriage is supposed to complicate breaking it up. There's gonna be that notice in the paper that one of the pair wants out, and doing that public statement that you want out is much harder than making the public statement that you are in it forever.

Thanks everybody for your thoughts.

JP

[tbrown 26]

Quote

Marriage is a decision, one that takes making again and again. The magic is that when it works, it's magic, because two people decide, again and again, that the decision is worth making.

What could be cooler.

Wendy W.

What she said.

There are bad years for sure, but you can make it happen. After 22 yrs and 2 kids with the same woman, I still think it's the best thing I ever did.

Your humble servant.....Professor Gravity !

[chopchop 0]

So... if i understand you corrctly, there were periods of time when you or Corrinne would have left had it been easier? But, currently, you are happy with being married?

chopchop
gotta go... Plaything needs a spanking..

Lotsa Pictures

[QuickDraw 0]

I think you hit the nail on the head with this statement.

Quote

With some luck and a lot of very hard work.

Personaly i'm not scared of marrage, as half of f##k-all is always going to get carved up in my favour.

How many jumps do you need for that licence anyway ?

-- Hope you don't die. --

I'm fucking winning

[Steel 0]

so getting 97sq ft Stilleto's on their 1st jump. That's dangerous. If I'd done that - and been femured - I'd want to warn others of the risks involved.
------------------------------------------------------
Ok the fact is people learn by experience and when talking about marriage I always compare it to bull-riding or skydivng. I remember in 94 when I was into the Rodeo scene I noticed that most people rode without any real protection. But I distinctly remember seeing one guy ride with a a helmet and a mouth piece. I remember asking more experienced people around me, What is up with that?". Their answer was he probably busted up his mouth and/or head and now chooses to protect it. I never saw anybody trying to talk him out of protecting himself. In skydiving I have many similar experiences through the years. After 50 jumps I chose to jump without a helmet after a couple of hundred, I chose to jump in sandals (on occasion even barefoot). In my first hot summer in Texas I was jumping in shorts, a tank top, no helmet, no goggles and it was no big deal to me. Then one time I slipped and fell in the Texas black dirt, the burns in my arm that day were enough for me not to want to jump with arms and legs exposed again. One time after that I got drug foward on a swoop gone bad and because I was wearing sandals I got and unpleasant burn on my feet that lasted for a very long time. That was the last time I jumped in sandals. Still there were more changes waiting for me. Once I landed a jammed brake line on my VX-70 which was the cause of a high speed stall. It hurt. After that I never jumped anything again without a helmet (except a CRW canopy). Finally I had a cutaway that whipped me across the face with my lines. After that I wondered, what if those lines had hit me in the eyes? So now I don't jump without goggles.
Now about marriage, I have been through that. I have been through the horrible fear of loosing my house and months of extreme depression that follow the separation. Something that people who have never been divorced could not possibly imagine or understand. For that reason I will protect myself. I will wear a helmet and I will not sign my life over to a woman just because I think I am in love. I have seen how quickly that can change.

If I could make a wish, I think I'd pass.
Can't think of anything I need
No cigarettes, no sleep, no light, no sound.
Nothing to eat, no books to read.

[Zennie 0]

Easy, because women are evil.

- Z
"Always be yourself... unless you suck." - Joss Whedon

[freeflir29 0]

Quote

Easy, because women are evil.

Yep.....that's my assesment. I almost had to punch one in the mouth last night.

[chopchop 0]

Quote

Easy, because women are evil.

chopchop
gotta go... Plaything needs a spanking..

Lotsa Pictures

[freeflir29 0]

Oh yeah....not to nit pick.......but a phobia is an IRRATIONAL fear. I think this is hardly irrational. Learned from experience and very well thought out is more like it.