Pilot funnies

[kiltboy 0]

I was just forwarded these and thought I'd share.
Anyone else got any more?

David

Things the average passenger doesn't hear!!
It's good to know that some pilots have a sense of humour. Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear. The following
are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:

*********************

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an
hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.

Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.
Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

******************************

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

***********************************

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
***********************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers"

***********************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange; between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.";
The BA747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."

***********************************

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

***********************************

A PanAm 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
Overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

[n2skdvn 0]

heres a site for more!!!!

http://www.thetracon.com/shortfinal.shtml

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[n2skdvn 0]

heres a funny one....

This exchange took place shortly after this year's Edwards AFB airshow.

Controller to F-117 stealth fighter: "Traffic is an F-16, two o'clock, 13 miles, southbound, climbing thru 6,000."

F-117 pilot: "Acquired and tracking..."

Controller to F-16: "Traffic is an F-117, two o'oclock, 12 miles, opposite direction, level 5."

F-16 pilot: "Roger, tracking..."

F-117 pilot (without missing a beat and in a monotone): "Bull."

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[Rebecca 0]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the
problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before
the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack
a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

[rehmwa 2]

Most all this is on Omniskore.com under omnihumor

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[TitaniumLegs 8]

Quote

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.

Wow! When did Quantas install targeting radar and IFF on their aircraft?

(>o|-<

If you don't believe me, ask me.

[Rebecca 0]

Quote

Most all this is on Omniskore.com under omnihumor

Oh. OK.

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

[Rebecca 0]

Quote

Wow! When did Quantas install targeting radar and IFF on their aircraft?

Bah, I don't know nothin', 'cept that it made me chuckle. Chucklehead.

Seriously, that header is BS- people seem to feel that putting some plausible-sounding preface in front of situations makes them more 'real', therefore more funny. Shoulda just left it out when I copied it.

I've also seen the same ones labeled as Air Force, Navy, Continental, whathaveyou...

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

[TitaniumLegs 8]

Yeah, I've seen that Air Force version. The one you posted had a couple I hadn't seen, or maybe I just killed those brain cells after landing off in a bar on Saturday.

(>o|-<

If you don't believe me, ask me.

[Kris 0]

In his book," Sled Driver," SR- 71/ Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (his backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace."

"Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. "90 knots" Center replied.

Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.

"We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day.. as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." "There was a slight pause, then the response, 525 knots on the ground, Dusty".

"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us? " There was a longer than normal pause....

"Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"

"No further inquiries were heard on that frequency"-------------------------------------------------------------------


In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, " We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."
He was cleared...
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah", the fighter pilot remarked, " The dreaded Seven-Engine approach".
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
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TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Sky, Muff Bro, Rodriguez Bro, and
Bastion of Purity and Innocence!™