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Muenkel

Actual warning labels. Some are pretty funny.

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In case you needed further proof that the Human Race
is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10.On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11.On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
12.On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)
13.On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)
14.On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15.On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16.On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
17.On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)
18.On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19.On an American Airlines packet of nuts -
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20.On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21.On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22.On some frozen dinners -
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23.On a hotel provided shower cap in a box -
FITS ONE HEAD.
24.On packaging for a Rowenta iron -
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25.On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine -
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26.On Nightly sleep aid -
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
"JANE, HOW DO YOU STOP THIS CRAZY THING?"
Chris

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I thought you left? Glad to see you back! :)
-Rap


Actually I have a split personality and I got on meds real quick.
Seriously, I got over being a complete dick and some really awesome people forgave me via pm's.
This is now old news.:)Thanks for welcoming me back.
"JANE, HOW DO YOU STOP THIS CRAZY THING?"
Chris

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hahaa...
Dude, you should talk to Derekbox, since he's got a stunt dick, it could fill in for you when you really need to be a dick but don't feel like it...:D
Ok, I thought it was funny, but I haven't slept in a couple days...
Aerials
So up high
When you free your lives (the) eternal prize

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Dude, you should talk to Derekbox, since he's got a stunt dick, it could fill in for you when you really need to be a dick but don't feel like it...


You may have a point there Mr. Aggie Sir! "Really it wasn't me, it was Derekbox standing in for me!":D
"JANE, HOW DO YOU STOP THIS CRAZY THING?"
Chris

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Twas my wang. I am sorry. Muenkel couldnt get the job done, what can I say, its a tough job but someone (me) has to do it.
Derek
P.S. please kids, dont try this at home, I am a trained professional using specialized equipment with many many years of experience.
"Its one thing to tempt death, its another to bitch slap him"
Daytona Beach Fl
DZ: Deland
AIM: Derekbox

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24.On packaging for a Rowenta iron -
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
------------------
Just for the record, this is good advice...I tried it once...didn't work out so well...

Actually, Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz had to be scratched from a start because of doing exactly that some years ago.:oDon't remember if he went on the DL. But this is one of the legendary weird "sports" injuries as seen on ESPN.

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9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?


Am I stupid? (don't answer that) I just don't see what's wrong with this one. Other than the silly british/canadian tendency to throw gratuitous "u"s into words when they aren't needed.
cielos azules y cerveza fría
-Kevin

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You may have a point there Mr. Aggie Sir! "Really it wasn't me, it was Derekbox standing in for me!"
---------------------------------------------------
pretty good quip muenkel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Am I stupid? (don't answer that) I just don't see what's wrong with this one. Other than the silly british/canadian tendency to throw gratuitous "u"s into words when they aren't needed
by "tossing" i think they mean "masturbate" if you still dont get it, then it was that pesky "U" that made it so hiliarious[smile
Have fun, Live free, SKYDIVE!!
http://community.webshots.com/user/jtval100

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You may have a point there Mr. Aggie Sir! "Really it wasn't me, it was Derekbox standing in for me!"
---------------------------------------------------
pretty good quip muenkel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Am I stupid? (don't answer that) I just don't see what's wrong with this one. Other than the silly british/canadian tendency to throw gratuitous "u"s into words when they aren't needed
by "tossing" i think they mean "masturbate" if you still dont get it, then it was that pesky "U" that made it so hiliarious[smile
Have fun, Live free, SKYDIVE!!
http://community.webshots.com/user/jtval100

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This is the text of the actual warning label inside the tail pocket of one of my canopies:
Warning
1. Training and/or experience are required to increase the risk.
Never use this equipment unless you have:
A. Read the warning label and completed a “controlled program of instruction” in reckless behavior,
- or –
B. Read the warning label and figured it out for yourself.
2. Lower the risk of death, serious injury, equipment damage, or getting busted by staying home.
Maximum Deployment Speed: Slow
Maximum Gross Weight (Jumper, Clothing, Ego): Low
Model: Mojo 260
Serial Number:
Date of Manufacture: 4/96
Parachute systems when properly assembled, packed and operated are still dangerous and unreliable. You should consider yourself a test jumper when using this equipment.
The manufacturer makes no warranties expressed or implied for any actual or consequential damages.
Removal of this label will damage your gear.
--Tom Aiello
tbaiello@mac.com

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About a zillion years ago, my uncle was president of a company that made, among other things, coffee makers. They got a call from a customer who complained it didn't make coffee. They talked her through the process and found out she wasn't putting water in the pot.
Why? Because the label said "Do not put in water."
It was changed to "Do not immerse in water."
HW

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Ok, I'll add one from the past (Z-Hills circa 1973). We were on jump run for a large rw load. As I lined up, I noticed the guy in front of me had a label on his reserve flap that read WARNING - EXPLOSIVE CUTTERS INSTALLED.

I might not have been as close to him on exit as usual....

Roger

-----------------------
Roger "Ramjet" Clark
FB# 271, SCR 3245, SCS 1519

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