Muenkel 0 #1 June 21, 2002 In case you needed further proof that the Human Raceis doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:1. On a blanket from Taiwan -NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.5. On a New Zealand insect spray -THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -OPEN OTHER END.9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?10.On a Sears hairdryer -DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.11.On a bag of Fritos -YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.(The shoplifter special!)12.On a bar of Dial soap -DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.(And that would be how?)13.On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.(Too late! You lose!)14.On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)15.On a Korean kitchen knife -WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)16.On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.(As opposed to use in outer space?)17.On a Japanese food processor -NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.(Now I'm curious.)18.On Sainsbury's peanuts -WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)19.On an American Airlines packet of nuts -INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.(I'm glad they cleared that up.)20.On a Swedish chainsaw -DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)21.On a child's superman costume -WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)22.On some frozen dinners -SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.23.On a hotel provided shower cap in a box -FITS ONE HEAD.24.On packaging for a Rowenta iron -DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.25.On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine -DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.26.On Nightly sleep aid -WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS."JANE, HOW DO YOU STOP THIS CRAZY THING?"Chris Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rapper4mpi 0 #2 June 21, 2002 I thought you left? Glad to see you back! :)-Rap Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nws01 0 #3 June 21, 2002 He never left. He doesn't understand warning labels.Blue Dreams,Nathan Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jfields 0 #4 June 21, 2002 QuoteHe never left. He doesn't understand warning labels.And you won't leave because you won't follow instructions! Justin Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nws01 0 #5 June 21, 2002 I had a there. It was a joke. I follow instructions now. I think I am quite a bit better than my alter ego. Does anyone else agree?Blue Dreams,Nathan Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Muenkel 0 #6 June 21, 2002 QuoteI thought you left? Glad to see you back! :)-RapActually I have a split personality and I got on meds real quick. Seriously, I got over being a complete dick and some really awesome people forgave me via pm's.This is now old news.Thanks for welcoming me back."JANE, HOW DO YOU STOP THIS CRAZY THING?"Chris Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AggieDave 6 #7 June 21, 2002 hahaa...Dude, you should talk to Derekbox, since he's got a stunt dick, it could fill in for you when you really need to be a dick but don't feel like it...Ok, I thought it was funny, but I haven't slept in a couple days...AerialsSo up highWhen you free your lives (the) eternal prize Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Muenkel 0 #8 June 21, 2002 QuoteDude, you should talk to Derekbox, since he's got a stunt dick, it could fill in for you when you really need to be a dick but don't feel like it...You may have a point there Mr. Aggie Sir! "Really it wasn't me, it was Derekbox standing in for me!""JANE, HOW DO YOU STOP THIS CRAZY THING?"Chris Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Derekbox 0 #9 June 21, 2002 Twas my wang. I am sorry. Muenkel couldnt get the job done, what can I say, its a tough job but someone (me) has to do it.DerekP.S. please kids, dont try this at home, I am a trained professional using specialized equipment with many many years of experience."Its one thing to tempt death, its another to bitch slap him"Daytona Beach Fl DZ: DelandAIM: Derekbox Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Muenkel 0 #10 June 21, 2002 Suddenly Derekbox gets a bunch of pm's from all the skychicks on line!Derek, have you met Sunshine?"JANE, HOW DO YOU STOP THIS CRAZY THING?"Chris Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sunshine 2 #11 June 21, 2002 QuoteSuddenly Derekbox gets a bunch of pm's from all the skychicks on line!Derek, have you met Sunshine?I don't get it....what do i have to do with all this?"A million mile fall from grace, thank god we missed the ground" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SBS 0 #12 June 21, 2002 24.On packaging for a Rowenta iron -DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.------------------Just for the record, this is good advice...I tried it once...didn't work out so well...:-)-S Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflir29 0 #13 June 21, 2002 QuoteI tried it once...didn't work out so well...So you're the one.........You aren't from California by any chance are you? "Here I come to save the BOOBIES!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jceman 1 #14 June 21, 2002 Quote24.On packaging for a Rowenta iron -DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.------------------Just for the record, this is good advice...I tried it once...didn't work out so well...Actually, Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz had to be scratched from a start because of doing exactly that some years ago.Don't remember if he went on the DL. But this is one of the legendary weird "sports" injuries as seen on ESPN. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PhillyKev 0 #15 June 22, 2002 Quote9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?Am I stupid? (don't answer that) I just don't see what's wrong with this one. Other than the silly british/canadian tendency to throw gratuitous "u"s into words when they aren't needed.cielos azules y cerveza fría-Kevin Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lippy 918 #16 June 22, 2002 I was driving in Edmonton last week, and at a intersection saw a sign that said:"High Collision Rate: Strictly Enforced"Damb EdmontoniansWhuffo you sit on that couch all day?Roger Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jtval 0 #17 June 22, 2002 You may have a point there Mr. Aggie Sir! "Really it wasn't me, it was Derekbox standing in for me!"---------------------------------------------------pretty good quip muenkel.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Am I stupid? (don't answer that) I just don't see what's wrong with this one. Other than the silly british/canadian tendency to throw gratuitous "u"s into words when they aren't needed by "tossing" i think they mean "masturbate" if you still dont get it, then it was that pesky "U" that made it so hiliarious[smileHave fun, Live free, SKYDIVE!!http://community.webshots.com/user/jtval100 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jtval 0 #18 June 22, 2002 You may have a point there Mr. Aggie Sir! "Really it wasn't me, it was Derekbox standing in for me!"---------------------------------------------------pretty good quip muenkel.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Am I stupid? (don't answer that) I just don't see what's wrong with this one. Other than the silly british/canadian tendency to throw gratuitous "u"s into words when they aren't needed by "tossing" i think they mean "masturbate" if you still dont get it, then it was that pesky "U" that made it so hiliarious[smileHave fun, Live free, SKYDIVE!!http://community.webshots.com/user/jtval100 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TomAiello 26 #19 June 22, 2002 This is the text of the actual warning label inside the tail pocket of one of my canopies:Warning1. Training and/or experience are required to increase the risk.Never use this equipment unless you have:A. Read the warning label and completed a “controlled program of instruction” in reckless behavior,- or –B. Read the warning label and figured it out for yourself.2. Lower the risk of death, serious injury, equipment damage, or getting busted by staying home.Maximum Deployment Speed: SlowMaximum Gross Weight (Jumper, Clothing, Ego): LowModel: Mojo 260Serial Number:Date of Manufacture: 4/96Parachute systems when properly assembled, packed and operated are still dangerous and unreliable. You should consider yourself a test jumper when using this equipment.The manufacturer makes no warranties expressed or implied for any actual or consequential damages.Removal of this label will damage your gear.--Tom Aiellotbaiello@mac.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
indyz 1 #20 June 22, 2002 QuoteThis is the text of the actual warning label inside the tail pocket of one of my canopies:That's a pretty good parody of a PD warning label (or maybe all warning labels? Are they all worded the same?).--Brian Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
howardwhite 6 #21 June 22, 2002 About a zillion years ago, my uncle was president of a company that made, among other things, coffee makers. They got a call from a customer who complained it didn't make coffee. They talked her through the process and found out she wasn't putting water in the pot.Why? Because the label said "Do not put in water."It was changed to "Do not immerse in water."HW Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ernokaikkonen 0 #22 June 25, 2002 As if the whole warning label wasn't funny enough, the last one ... >Removal of this label will damage your gear. ...always cracks me up.. Erno Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Remster 30 #23 June 25, 2002 Silly BASE people...... If God intended for people to do BASE jumping, he would have build escalators on mountains... Remster Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TomAiello 26 #24 June 25, 2002 QuoteIf God intended for people to do BASE jumping, he would have build escalators on mountains... Or put elevators in 2000' towers. Oh, wait a minute... -- Tom Aiello Tom@SnakeRiverBASE.com SnakeRiverBASE.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RogerRamjet 0 #25 May 5, 2003 Ok, I'll add one from the past (Z-Hills circa 1973). We were on jump run for a large rw load. As I lined up, I noticed the guy in front of me had a label on his reserve flap that read WARNING - EXPLOSIVE CUTTERS INSTALLED. I might not have been as close to him on exit as usual.... Roger ----------------------- Roger "Ramjet" Clark FB# 271, SCR 3245, SCS 1519 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites