lawrocket 3 #1 April 16, 2003 If you have any stories about them, it might make good reading. My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charliezulu 0 #2 April 16, 2003 No category for "I love MY lawyers - the rest all suck!" CZ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
highfly 0 #3 April 16, 2003 Here's some stoopid quotes from lawyers around the world. Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" "Were you present when your picture was taken?" Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" "Did he kill you?" "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" "How many times have you committed suicide?" Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?" Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?" Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral." Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood." And they get paid for this? www.myspace.com/durtymac Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkydiveMonkey 0 #4 April 16, 2003 What do you call a bus full of lawyers at the bottom of a lake? A good start ____________________ Say no to subliminal messages Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest #5 April 16, 2003 Lawyers in Awe Lovin' it - this gentleman has achieved bullshit that transcends bullshit and becomes a thing of wonder. As a lawyer I can only stand back and watch in awe. -- Tim Cunion on Iraqi Information Minister Al-Sahhaf"The mouse does not know life until it is in the mouth of the cat." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
n2skdvn 0 #6 April 16, 2003 what do you call 20 skydiving lawyers in the air.....skeet if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN my site Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shark 0 #7 April 16, 2003 Quote If you have any stories about them, it might make good reading. Yeah, I had this lawyer as a student and...... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DTOXX 0 #8 April 16, 2003 I HAD to check the Love em catagory... I am married to a lawyer.Four surgeons where talking about who makes the best patients for surgury. The first said, "Thats easy, Electricians, when you open them everything is color coded." The second says "No no no, Accountants, everything is numbered." The third says, "I find Librarians are the best, everthing is alphabetical." The last surgeon shakes his head and says "Your all wrong, Lawyers are the best, when you open them up theres no heart, spine, guts, or balls. Besides that their heads and ass are interchangable!" ------- D.T. Holder SIMstudy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freefallfreak 0 #9 April 16, 2003 ROFLMAO!!! FFF Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
peppermint 0 #10 April 16, 2003 I once had a lawyer and he simply destroyed me. The other edge of the double-edged sword of faith and trust. Tends to slice deeper than its mate runs. Odd how the people we trust the most, the people we, as humans, engender closest to ourselves and have the most faith in, can either feed armies with a loaf and few fish or cause a third of the hosts of the heavens to fall, interchangeably, without even realizing the power we give them. The flowing wave returns not, nor does the passing hour. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheAnvil 0 #11 April 16, 2003 Odd that you were destroyed - you seem able to type just fine. I hope I do as well if I'm ever destroyed. Vinny the AnvilVinny the Anvil Post Traumatic Didn't Make The Lakers Syndrome is REAL JACKASS POWER!!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
peppermint 0 #12 April 16, 2003 There are certainly many different types of destroyed. Physically, I am fine. I can type, think, see, feel, touch, smell. I'm sure you can figure out the rest. The flowing wave returns not, nor does the passing hour. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BoobieCootie 0 #13 April 16, 2003 So much for "power of attorney" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jraf 0 #14 April 16, 2003 Natalie, I want to smoke what you did. It seems to be real good shit. Care to share?jraf Me Jungleman! Me have large Babalui. Muff #3275 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TitaniumLegs 8 #15 April 16, 2003 Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy. ------------------------------ What do you call removing a sliver from a lawyer's ass? Brain surgery. (>o|-< If you don't believe me, ask me. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
peppermint 0 #16 April 16, 2003 Quote Natalie, I want to smoke what you did. It seems to be real good shit. Care to share? Ancient Chinese Secret The flowing wave returns not, nor does the passing hour. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BoobieCootie 0 #17 April 16, 2003 Quote Ancient Chinese Secret Soy sauce, corn starch, sesame seeds, fresh shallots, some cilantro, and a dash of rice wine? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
andy2 0 #18 April 16, 2003 felony distribution dropped to misd possession! Yeah they rock! --------------------------------------------- let my inspiration flow, in token rhyme suggesting rhythm... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pammi 0 #19 April 17, 2003 Hmm...depends on the moment you ask me about my boss/lawyer. He can be an amazing asshole, but every once in a while he impresses me. This isn't my first job I've had working as a legal assistant and I guarantee (sorry if there's a lawyer out there reading this) that they are ALL babies needing their hands held! Drives me nuts, but gives you good job security when they can't find their ass with both hands! Pammi Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lawrocket 3 #20 April 17, 2003 In regards to Peppermint's demonstrated peculiar felicity with the english language, I find myself wondering aloud: "Why, is this the sort of upright individual who will bless the sanctity of the bar?" Allow me to elaborate: When I make mention of "bar" I speak not of those fine dram shops where one may pay valuable consideration in return for a fine ethylene glycol concoction! Indeed, I speak of that area of the judge's chamber known in usage and trade as "the bar." It apppears with such eloquent verbage, designed in part to educate and communicate the cerebral firings, whilst serving the other insidious purpose of confusing as many persons as possible. You need to be a lawyer... My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
78RATS 0 #21 April 17, 2003 Doctor and lawyer on the corner. Beautiful woman walks by. Doctor says: "I'd like to screw her." Lawyer says: "Outta what?" lawyers suck Rat for Life - Fly till I die When them stupid ass bitches ask why Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jfields 0 #22 April 17, 2003 Quoteethylene glycol Isn't that regular anti-freeze? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zenister 0 #23 April 17, 2003 Quote cause a third of the hosts of the heavens to fall yet the hosts continue to fall from the sky day after day as those who feared to tread stay by thier masters feet, never taking the chance to really live... pain causes growth. when you focus on the change instead of the loss. Fear, a stagnant death, life in still water... sometimes it is best to thank those who hurt us as we would not become more than we could have been otherwise.____________________________________ Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GroundZero 0 #24 April 17, 2003 here's one that I know of personally.... Airplane crash... (oh god, here comes diverdriver....) nine people on board.... lost engine at rotation... gear in transit (coming up)... pilot 7000+ hours, mostly on Saab 340. The airplane would not climb, but the pilot was trained to climb to 400' before touching anything... seeing trees coming up, he stalled (actually more impressive... vmc roll through trees!) skip into future... about 1-2 years later... Lawsuit begins.... 2 jumpers/passengers.... one experienced jumper/camera woman (cousin- New Jersey lawyer)... the other victim... whuffo... 1st jump-tandem (ok that one is fair...) only seeking six million dollars... almost 3 years later... ends with 13 defendants... in mediation.... Defedants include FBO, city, dz, dz owner, aircraft owner, manufacturer of (wrong magnetos-engine part), seller of airplane, engine manufacturer, and others i can't remember.... After one full day of Mediation, the lawyers came up with a solution... #1... most seriously injured... recieved 160.000 dollars... (1/3 went to her lawyer, leaving $105,000.... her medical bills were $110,000... her medical insurance company (she worked for!) had "subrogation rites" they get paid first. simple answer from them... "We take the $105k, don't worry about the balance." She got nothing....... Oy! So much for the victim...... #2.... tandem student with broken hip.... recieved 60,000.... lawyer takes 1/3... leaving only the same amount that the hospital has right to (thru "subrogation").... So less than $200k was paid to the injured... the hospitals claimed all of that... Those 2 girls got nothing, after almost 3 years.... The real kicker.... I called all legal firms involved... they were happy to tell me their "billable amounts..." over $2,100,000 (lawyers) were spent for this accident and the victims received nothing... That's 2.1 million dollars paid to lawyers... One more time... the injured girls got.... NOTHING! so, yes, a few lawyers on the bottom of the ocean is a.... Start! the victims got nithing.... the lawyers charged 2,1 million dollars.... Who won? A drop zone devastated... Chris. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dbattman 0 #25 April 17, 2003 Apparently the 'release of liability' we need to sign didn't apply here. Was there a reason for this or did the defendants finally wear down and give up? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
