thursday funnies...

[hobbes4star 0]

> > >Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when it
> > > > started to rain.
> > > > One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, Put it
over
> > >her
> > > > cigarette, and continued smoking.
> > > >
> > > > Lady 1: What's that?
> > > >
> > > > Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
> > > >
> > > > Lady 1: Where did you get it?
> > > >
> > > > Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
> > > >
> > > > The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore
and
> > > > announces
> > > > to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
> > > > The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she
> > >is,
> > > > after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand
> > > > she
> > > > prefers.
> > > >
> > > > Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
> > > > The pharmacist fainted.

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?

[suz 0]

BWWWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Love your work!

Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after

[hobbes4star 0]

Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:

9) No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
8) I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7) Mom will love this.
6) Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5) No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4) Will you model this for me???
3) The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
2) Forty Five bucks?? You're just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out
loud in Victoria's Secret:
1) Oh, honey, you'll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!!

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?

[hobbes4star 0]

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the
spanking?"


What's the difference between a wife, a nympho, and a hooker?

The nympho says "You're done already?"
The hooker says "Are you done yet?"
And the wife says "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling
beige."

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?

[jessd 0]

A little philosophy that you can swallow!
>
>Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this
beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. " by Jack Handy
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " Frank Sinatra
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. " Ernest Hemingway
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. " Henny Youngman
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. " Stephen Wright
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! "
Brian O'Rourke"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. " Dave Barry
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! "Unknown"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>And saving the best for last. As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
>
> One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is
>hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at theback that are killed first. This natural selections good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
>weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away..."

[SatchFan 0]

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years..

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left-handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.



You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?

[Wavelength 0]

Woops, I thought it said eyebrow.

[ScottishJohn 25]

A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup
and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an
eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having
my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid
hunter. He never missed a season.

But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he
accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and
suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He
raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and
squeezed the handle." "And do you know what
happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in
front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you think my attitude stinks you should smell my fingers

[happythoughts 0]

Quote

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

"I do" is the longest sentence.

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

Quote

She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

How is that life size?

____________________
Say no to subliminal messages

[PhillyKev 0]

I don't know...but she could wrap her legs around you a half a dozen times...

There's a life sized barbie down the street from me. A waitress at the deli a block down works for Mattel as Barbie for promotions. I'd really like to see if she's anatomically correct.

[happythoughts 0]

A professor was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raised their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raised their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" Fifteen students raised their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one more question—have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Clay, way in the back raised his hand. The professor says, "Son, in all the years I've been teaching this class, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

Clay made his way to the lectern. The professor said, "Well, now, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" He replied, "Dang! From way back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

[jfields 0]

Good one! Somehow, we'll have to forward that to him.

[RichM 0]

Well, if we're gonna pick on Clay (sorry dude, I don't even know you ) then :

Three Leprechauns, Mick, Eugene and Pat, are sitting in the pub getting quietly pissed when Mick shouts out, " Jaysus, I'm bored wid bein'a feckin' nobody. I'm tinkin I'll take meself down to de Guinness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book" "what de hell are ye talkin' about, ye eejit. You've dun nuttin' to getin de book for" says Eugene. "well, it's me hands, Eugene" replies Mick waving them around, " I tink dey are de smallest in de world and I'm going to get meself entered into de book and I'll be world famous."

Both Eugene and Pat agree that they are quite small and they all carry on drinking quite heartily. A little while later Pat pipes up " Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de Guiness book of records for yer small hands, so can I." The other two smirk at each other and Mick says "how can ye have de smallest hands in the world if I've got dem, ya bloody fool?" Pat replies "it's not me hands, Mick it's me feet", and he takes off his boots to show them. "I tink dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de Guiness Book of records too."

The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they all go back to their drinking. Some time later Eugene chimes in, "well, if youse two can get into de Guiness Book of records, I can too." The others fall about laughing. "what de feck have you got dats so feckin' interesting?" cries Mick. "it's me dick, Mick " he says and pulls down his breeches to show them.

They both howl with laughter as Eugene pulls out his little willy. "Jaysus, ye've got the best chance of us all, Eugene", says Pat "dat's de smallest feckin' dick I ever saw" and with that they all go back to their drinking.

Later on full of the gills , they are heading home when out of the corner of his eye Mick spots the Gunness Book of records office further down the street. "Jaysus", he says "I'm gonna go into dat office and I'm gonna get me hands measured" and off he staggers.

Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face waving his hands in the air. "I did it, I did it" he says "I'm in de Guinness Book of records for de smallest hands in de world , nobodies got smaller hands dan me" and with that he pushes Pat forward. "Go on ye eejit. See if ye have de smallest feet in de world. Go on" "Feck it. I will " says Pat and off he staggers. Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air. "Jaysus, I'm famous." he says. "I've got de smallest feet in de world, I'm famous, I'm famous " he yells.

With that Eugene staggers to the office door. "I'm gonna get me dick measured" he says, "I won't be long" The other two are waiting anxiously for Eugene to return, but time slips by.

Ten minutes turns into twenty and twenty into thirty. Still no sign of Eugene. One hour later the office door swings open and Eugene slouches looking disconsulate. "whats wrong ?" asks Pat, to which Eugene replies "who the feckin hell is Clay?"


Bwahahaha

Rich M