probability theory

[skybytch 273]

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the
bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last
seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he
can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird
university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when
Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a
particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space,
curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I
apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there
is never a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you
persist in asking out empty space?"

"Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never
truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and
vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave
function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear
there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows, "Really? Interesting.
But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here
every Friday if you could buy her a drink? Never know - she
might say yes."

The mathematician laughs, "Yeah, right - how fucking likely
is that to happen?"

[billvon 3,063]

A contractor, an engineer and a mathemetician are at a farmer's house. He wants to enclose his pasture with a fence to keep his sheep from wandering. He asks each of them how to do it with the minimum fencing possible.

"Well, that's easy," said the contractor. "I'd just head down to the fence supply place, get some chainlink fence and posts, and just run the fence along the edge of the pasture."

The engineer considers the issue. "I would first figure out the minimum pasture the sheep need to graze in, then the maximum height they could jump. I would then build a circular wire fence that was just high enough to keep them inside, since a circle gives you maximum area for minimum edge."

The mathemetician grabbed a spare piece of chicken wire, wrapped it around himself, and said "I declare myself to be outside!"

[jerry81 10]

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are standing in sitting in front of a house (no background here, they're just sitting there). Two people come and enter the house. After thirty minutes, three people come out.
The physicist says; "Interesting! This must be some kind of optical illusion caused by the size of the door and the angle of light."
The biologist says; "Interesting indeed! The two people must have multiplied while inside."
And the mathematician says: "Well, if another person enters the house, it will be empty."

---

[misskriss 0]

The mathematician Von Blecks
Derived the equation for sex.
He found a good f***
Isn't patience or luck
But a function of Y over X.

[JackC 0]

There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong.

So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either.

So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, "I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum."

[lizzieb 0]

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are each presented with a beautiful woman and the stipulation that at each time interval, they may move half of the remaining distance
towards her.

The mathematician points out that the distance will never reach zero, and walks away in disgust.

The physicist observes that at each time interval, the amount of heat transfer (body to body) will quadruple, and proceeds.

The engineer, while fully understanding the math and physics involved, is puzzled. "What's the point?", he asks. "I mean, why bother?..."

[billvon 3,063]

An engineer is walking to his car one night when he sees a frog.

"Help me!" the frog cries out. "I'm a princess, and have been awaiting the kiss of a suitor to turn me back into a beautiful woman. If you only kiss me I'll be free."

The engineer is astonished. He picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.

"Hey!" the frog yells. "You have to kiss me to get me to turn back into a woman. I'll be yours, and will stay with you through thick and thin, if you'll only kiss me." The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, looks at it, and puts it back.

"What's the matter with you? Don't you want to turn me back into a woman?" the frog asks from his pocket.

"Well, I'm really busy and all, and I wouldn't really know what to do with a girlfriend," says the engineer. "But a talking frog is really cool."

[sarge 0]

A fundamental presumtion of this equation resides in base theory. if the mathemetician were to move fast enough to exceed quark properties it might be possible that he could observe himself ( in a quantum mechanics context ) as hooking up with this babe...

I think most mathematicians are assholes that prefer masturbation anyway??? jmho

--
I'm done with the personally meaningful and philosophical sigs!!

[BoobieCootie 0]

An engineer finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life --until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...nothing... only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing,' he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?' replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible,' he stutters. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The engineer is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the engineer looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you.' he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,

"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, he goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! This woman is amazing!" he muses, "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean---", he swallows excitedly, "I can post whore on DZ.com?!"

[happythoughts 0]

LOL (appreciated as only an engineer can)

[steve1 5]

Three men from Japan, Germany, and Montana were sitting in the buff in a sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The man from Germany pushes at a point on his arm, and the beeping stops. The man says that the beeping was his pager and that he has a micro-chip implanted in his arm.

A while later there is a ringing sound. The Japanese man raises his hand and starts talking into his palm. A while later he says he has a micro-chip phone buried under the skin of his hand.

The Montanan leaves to use the restroom, but returns shortly. Both the others notice this long piece of toilet paper hanging from his rear. The Montanan then catches on to what they are staring at and with an astonished look he replies, "I'll be darned, I must be getting a Fax!"..............Steve1

[bobsled92 0]

SURVEYS
In professional surveys taken:
4 out 5 people,
think the 5th guy is an asshole!

_______________________________
If I could be a Super Hero,
I chose to be: "GRANT-A-CLAUS". and work 365 days a Year.
http://www.hangout.no/speednews/

[steve1 5]

A man walked into a bar and happens to notice this guy sitting there with a tiny little head. I mean it was about the size of a softball. The man calmly says, "I know you're wondering what happened to my head, so I'll tell you what happened."

For years and years I save my money and bought this fancy sail boat. I decided to quit my job and just go sailing. Everything was fine until this one night when I was caught in this awful storm and ship wrecked. My ship was destroyed and I was stranded on this Island. One day I was walking on the beach and found this strange looking bottle. I picked it up, rubbed the dust off it, and out appears this beautiful Jeanie. She said that I had three magic wishes.

So I thought a while and then asked her for a new sail boat. POOF! One appeared bigger than my other sail boat.

Then I asked for a million dollars and POOF! There was a million dollars.

Then I got to noticing just how beautiful this Jeanie really was, and I just couldn't help myself, and said, "how about a little head!" I guess you know the rest of the story.........Steve1

[skr 1]

Three statisticians go deer hunting. They spot a deer.
The first statistician aims - and fires wide to the right.
The second statistician aims - but fires wide to the left.
The third statistician throws down his gun and shouts
"We got him! We got him!"

----

"We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary."
"Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."

Skr

[Push 0]

95% of all statistics are made up.

-- Toggle Whippin' Yahoo
Skydiving is easy. All you have to do is relax while plummetting at 120 mph from 10,000' with nothing but some nylon and webbing to save you.

[CrazyThomas 0]

How can you tell that God is an engineer?

Who else would put the recreation area so close to the septic system?


Thomas

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

A Mathmatician asks "why does it work"
An Engineer asks "how does it work"?
A psychology graduate asks "do you want fries with that"?

____________________
Say no to subliminal messages

[ernokaikkonen 0]

>Show the boobies !! (Someone has to say it)
>Protect the environment

Big shoes you're trying to fill there, are you sure you're up to the task?

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

Protecting the environment from DHMO, or getting women to show the boobies?

____________________
Say no to subliminal messages

[nacmacfeegle 0]

"The mathematician laughs, "Yeah, right - how fucking likely
is that to happen?" "

Probability, chaos, and causality explained....
Its the million to one shot that shows up nine times out of ten.

Now back to my work, which today includes running and updating quantified risk analysis....maths, and engineering in one interesting activity.

--------------------

He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me. Thomas Jefferson

[PLFKING 4]

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"



Don

[skyediver 0]

I can't remember exactly how this goes...but you get the idea...

A mathematician sends a fax to his wife. It reads...

Dear wife,

by the time you receive this fax I will be at the Grand Hotel with my
18 year old teaching assistant. You are now 54, and can no longer
satisfy my needs. Please don't be offended, I'll be home late.

- your husband

When the mathematician gets to the hotel there is a fax waiting for him.
It reads:


Dear husband,


By the time you receive this fax I will be at the Hilton with my 18 year old lover. You are also 54, and can no longer satisfy my needs. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you know that 18 goes into 54 a lot more than 54 goes into 18. Please don't take this the wrong way,

- your wife

[Sebazz1 2]

Understanding Engineers ..........

A mechanical, electrical, fluid mechanics, and computer engineer are all driving down the road in a car when all of a sudden it stops.

The mechanical engineer "there is something wrong with the engine lets pop the hood and take a look"

The electrical engineer "No no there is something wrong with the electrical system I will find the problem"

The fluid mechanics engineer " You two are both off there is something wrong with the fuel mixture I will fix it"

The three engineers looked at the computer engineer and asked "what do you think the problem is?"

The computer engineer responded " I don't know lets shut it off get out then get back in and turn it on again..........."