dp1l 0 #1 October 30, 2002 A Farmer goes to the Vet and says, "My horse is constipated." The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there." The Farmer comes back the next day, and he looks very sick. The Vet says, "What happened?" The Farmer says, "The horse blew first." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
grega 0 #2 October 30, 2002 "George just lucky i guess!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #3 October 30, 2002 The blonde took her car to the garage after it had broken down for the third time that day. The mechanic told her to come back in half an hour so he could have a proper look at it. The blonde returned to the garage after the half-hour passed. The blonde asked, "What's wrong with it?" The mechanic wiped his brow and said, "Nothing now--just crap in the carburetor." The blonde asked, "Oh, how often do will I have to do that?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dp1l 0 #4 October 30, 2002 CIRCLE FLIES An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't" the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dp1l 0 #5 October 30, 2002 THE FLY The fresh smell of manure wafted from the inside of a barn. It caught the nose of a very hungry fly and in a second the fly went through the barn’s open door and sat himself on top of a big, steamy horse dropping. It was so tasty, the fly kept eating until he was ready to burst. He decided to leave, but because he was so full, when he flapped his little wings, he went nowhere. The fly looked around the barn, trying to figure out how he’d be able to get out of there. He finally spied a pitchfork standing up against a wall and he thought if he could walk to the top of the pitchfork, he could use it as a launch pad and surely be able to fly away. It was an arduous walk, but the fly removed himself from the dungpile, walked across the floor to the pitchfork, then slowly made his way to the top. He flapped his wings, then pushed off his body. But alas, he was still too heavy and fell to the floor and splattered when he landed. The Moral of the Story: Don’t fly off the handle when you’re full of shit!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dp1l 0 #6 October 30, 2002 A plane is on its way to Houston when a in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The replies "I'm , I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the copilot that there is a bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The replies, "I'm , I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's ? I'll handle this. I'm married to a . I speak ." He goes back to the , whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Houston Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #7 October 30, 2002 "The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her First Class isn't going to Houston " Well, duh. Why would a first class woman go to Houston? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pop 0 #8 October 30, 2002 Quote Well, duh. Why would a first class woman go to Houston? We got a lot of frist-class women here. I swear, at least like 30 of them.7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #9 October 30, 2002 [replay]We got a lot of frist-class women here. I swear, at least like 30 of them. That's a big bus, when does their tour leave? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pop 0 #10 October 30, 2002 Quote [replay]We got a lot of frist-class women here. I swear, at least like 30 of them. That's a big bus, when does their tour leave? Comming soon to a town near you! 7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wlie 0 #11 October 30, 2002 And they're all seating in coach? My other ride is the relative wind. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pop 0 #12 October 30, 2002 Quote And they're all seating in coach? Yes, because first-class has a different destination. 7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wmw999 2,445 #13 October 30, 2002 ***Well, duh. Why would a first class woman go to Houston? ------------------------------------------------------------ I'm already here... Wendy W. There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wlie 0 #14 October 30, 2002 Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender walks up to the first one and says, "What can I get you?" The vampire says, "I want a pint of blood." The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too replies that he would like a pint of blood. The bartender then asks the third vampire for his drink order. The vampire says, "I want a pint of plasma." The bartender thinks for a minute and says, "Let me see if I've got this right. That's two bloods and a blood light?"My other ride is the relative wind. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pop 0 #15 October 30, 2002 Midnight Patrol A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DTOXX 0 #16 October 30, 2002 Why don't Polish girls use vibrators? Chips their teeth. ------- D.T. Holder SIMstudy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pop 0 #17 October 30, 2002 Quote Why don't Polish girls use vibrators? Chips their teeth. ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Push 0 #18 October 30, 2002 A woman is speeding an a highway and is pulled over by a highway patrolman. The patrolman walks up to her car, writes her a ticket and gives it to her. Woman: "If I pay for this, do I get a ticket to the highway patrolmens ball?" Patrolman: "Highway patrolmen don't have balls, mam" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
quatorze 1 #20 October 31, 2002 More law enfocement funnies > > >"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after >you > wear them awhile." > > "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." > > "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can >write > anything I want on the ticket, huh?" > > "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it > will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" > > "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that >again > or I'll give you another ticket." > > "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are > drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" > > "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster >oven." > > "Life's tough, & it's tougher if you're stupid cuz you'll never > graduate from that school of hard knocks you're still going to!" > > "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but >now we're > allowed to write as many tickets as we want." > > "Just how big were those two beers? > > "In God we trust, all others are suspects." >___________________________________________ > > New Miranda rights: > > You have the right to remain motionless or you may elect to run. >Should you > decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of >the > earth. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he > refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to >jog > along with you. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, > beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may > continue his pursuit of you in full stride. You may stop running at any > time, at your own risk. Good luck. On your mark, get set... GO! > >__________________________________________________________ > > Caught for speeding: > > The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding >rolled > down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The >guy > replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally > stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. > >__________________________________________________________ > > Stuck under a bridge: > > A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that >reads > "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of >him and > he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. >Finally, a > police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the > truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The > truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." > >_________________________________________________________ > > I'm going to a lecture: > > The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked >and > walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, a policeman stopped him. > "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to >a > lecture." the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this >hour?" > the cop asked. "My wife," said the man. I'm not afriad of dying, I'm afraid of never really living- Erin Engle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ScottishJohn 25 #22 October 31, 2002 Here's a funnie for thursday If George Bush was a woman..........---------------------------------------------------------------------- If you think my attitude stinks you should smell my fingers ~ME0002E.pps Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dp1l 0 #23 October 31, 2002 Y is everyone so quiet today? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
