Wednesday funnies

[ernokaikkonen 0]

...since it's so damn silent here today:

Engineering illustrated(from Dilbert)

[nacmacfeegle 0]

I liked the second one best Erno.

The first one suks cos us injunears are notorrious badd spelers...

Why is it so darn quiet here today?
Anyone?

Okay, its just us and the tumbleweed then.....

--------------------

He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me. Thomas Jefferson

[ernokaikkonen 0]

>Why is it so darn quiet here today?

Everyone's dazzled by our cunning wit and smart responses, and are afraid to post?

[nacmacfeegle 0]

Fear of flaming while discussing no canopy landings?

Hell I've even been browsing and posting on the ah-dubya forum...things are serious.....

--------------------

He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me. Thomas Jefferson

[ernokaikkonen 0]

>Hell I've even been browsing and posting on the ah-dubya
>forum...things are serious.....

Yeah I noticed. Quite a shock that was. I haven't been desperate enough to stick my head in the freeflailing forum yet...

[bluefingers 0]

Yep ... I've actually got some work done today

Kerry

[nacmacfeegle 0]

You want to be careful, working can be bad for your professional reputation..

--------------------

He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me. Thomas Jefferson

[n2skdvn 0]

Work whats that im laid off right now!!

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[ernokaikkonen 0]

She said the W-word!

[bluefingers 0]

Relax Erno, it's just my cover ... *looks furtively over shoulder* ....
ok, I didn't get your dilbert jokes, so I am just going to post the only funny that came through my inbox today


Olaf took Inga home with him and took off his shirt. Inga says, "Olaf dat's some chest you have dare.
Olaf says, "Inga, dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite." Next he took off his pants. Inga says, "Olaf dat's nice calves you have dare." Olaf says, " Inga dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite." Olaf quickly reached down and pulled off
his underpants and Inga screamed and ran out the door. Olaf put his clothes back on and ran after her. Catching her, Olaf said, "Inga, viy did you run out like dat?" Inga said, "Vith all dat dynamite around, I taught it vas going to explode ven I saw how short da fuse vas!

Kerry

[bluefingers 0]

OK so I'm bored ....
Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The
first guy says his favourite position is the "rodeo". The other guy
asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position too'.....
Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

Kerry

[dp1l 0]

I'm bored too

These might be old, but I am just going through my old emails, looking for something - anything - mildly amusing.

> Top Eight Morons
> >
> > 1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
> > AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months,
> > saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received
> > a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not
> > Walter who's lacking intelligence.
> >
> > 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
> > Police in Oakland, California spent two hours
> > attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
> > himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
> > canisters, officers discovered that the man was
> > standing beside them in the police line, shouting
> > "Please come out and give yourself up."
> >
> > 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
> > An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a
> > motorist and forced him to drive to two different
> > automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper
> > proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
> > accounts.
> >
> > 4. THE GETAWAY!
> > A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop,
> > and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.
> > Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied
> > up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
> > three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
> >
> > 5. DID I SAY THAT???
> > Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
> > suspect who just couldn't control himself during a
> > lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup
> > to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
> > shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
> >
> > 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
> > A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is
> > pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
> > apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
> > "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".
> >
> > 7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
> > In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was
> > arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America
> > branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and
> > a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he
> > failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
> > (hellllllooooooo!)
> >
> > 8. THE GRAND FINALE
> > Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in
> > the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield,
> > California, some folks, new to boating, were having a
> > problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't
> > get their brand new 22ft going. It was very sluggish
> > in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was
> > applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go,
> > they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there
> > could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside
> > check revealed everything in perfect working
> > condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up
> > and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So,
> > one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
> > underneath. He came up choking on water, he was
> > laughing so hard.
> > NOW REMEMBER ...THIS IS TRUE...
> > Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was
> > the trailer.
> >
> > Does any one else find it frightening that half of
> > these took place in California????

[Scratch 0]

You are right it is quiet. Even the Finn and the Scot are reaching.
Ok maybe this will help

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on
the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished
it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it! She blows her top! "You b*stard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!"

[dropdeded 0]

Why is it so darn quiet here today?
Anyone?

Shhhhhh,dont wake up California.
dropdeded

------------------------------------------
The Dude Abides.
-

[bluefingers 0]

Bwahahahaaahaaahaa
oh no ....

Kerry

[dp1l 0]

These could have already been posted before - all worksafe

[bluefingers 0]

that embarrassing first date


This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999. Jay went
into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman
ever
had. When the winner described her worst first date experience, there was
absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize.
Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold. The guy had taken
her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). The outing
was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that
afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually
began
to realize that she should not have had that extra coffee. They were about
an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in
the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which
she
did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point
where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road,
or she would go on the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly
crawled out beside the car, yanked down her pants and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let
her
butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on
the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman
and
refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt
despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing
however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up
her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against
the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent
that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her
plight and yet aware of the humor, she answered her date's concerns about
"what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her
butt off and needed some assistance.

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She, too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the
situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it
would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy
metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place,
both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as
she
looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and
pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or perhaps that
should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing...
A whole new definition of being "pissed off."

Kerry

[dp1l 0]

Subject: Makes you Wonder









Makes you Wonder

(1) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes
out"?

(2) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to
a
horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

(3) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

(4) If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
song about him?

5) Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
have
the
same tune?

(6) If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

(7) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom
is?

(8) Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they
are going to look up there anyway?

(9) Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're
both dogs!

(10) What do you call male ballerinas?

(11) Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

(12) Why Are Trix only for kids?

(13) If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme
crap,
why
didn't he just buy dinner?

(14) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

(15) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

(16) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

(17) If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to
hear
him, is he still wrong?

(18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there
is
wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
19) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he
sticks
his
head out the window?

(20) Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

[Sassy 0]

The Way it Really Happened
The Three Little Pigs:

This is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused......then asked the class: " And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly "I think the man would have said: "Well, fuck me! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[happythoughts 0]

'Your sister likes this position too'..... Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."
Adds a sense of realism if the girl has long hair.

[bluefingers 0]

I must be really bored ....

Who said romance was dead?
This is an extract from The Latest Mills and Boon Novel. This is what we are missing! With writing like this, there really is no need for pictures!

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked.

I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.

Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered, 'Baaa' and rejoined the flock.

This book is on sale, now, in New Zealand, Wales, Scotland, and certain parts of Derbyshire.

Kerry

[Sassy 0]

ROFLMAO!!!!!
Sassy

[kinney29 0]

you all are just killing me here!

[SpeedRacer 1]

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and
> walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
> They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says:
> "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
> President Bush says:
> "Yes, your Excellency?."
>
> The Saudi whispers:
> "My son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it there are Blacks, Whites, Asians, Russians, and Americans, but never any Arabs.
> He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in
> Star Trek."
>
> President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back:
> "It's because it takes place in the future...."

Speed Racer
--------------------------------------------------