yim666 0 #1 September 27, 2002 i myself am one, and personally, i despise them in general: what's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? a prostitute will quit fucking you after you're dead why do lawyers wear neckties? to hold back their foreskin please continue...don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
moodyskydiver 0 #2 September 28, 2002 Whats the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesnt think he is a lawyer. "...just an earthbound misfit, I." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Beachbum 0 #3 September 28, 2002 oldie but goody types ... What do you call 600 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? .. .. .. a good start. Why won't sharks eat lawyers? .. .. .. professional courtesy. What do you call who no longer lies? .. .. .. dead. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Beachbum 0 #4 September 28, 2002 forgot one of my favorites ... Big city lawyer is on his high dollar dove lease hunting, and shoots a bird that falls onto the property next to his lease. He is just about to cross the fence to retrieve the bird when the old farmer who owns the other property walks over and picks it up. He proceeds for five minutes, in typically lengthy high and mighty lawyerly fashion, to explain to the farmer that the bird was flying over his lease when he shot it, the shell was his expense, and thus even tho the bird's trajectory carried it onto the farmers land, it should rightfully be his. The farmer looks at him for a second, then asks the lawyer to go ahead and climb on over the fence to discuss it further. Once this is accomplished, he stands with the lawyer between himself and the fence, and tells the lawyer that the local way of settling such minor disputes is an ass kicking contest. The rules are that each man gets 3 kicks at the other, and if one can't take it, he calls it off and the other wins. Rounds of this go on until one man gives up. He also states that he, as owner of the property, should go first. Well, the lawyer looks at the little old farmer and thinks to himself there is no WAY that little old guy can out kick him, so he consents. The farmer tells him to turn around, so he does (facing the fence now). The farmer's first kick comes up between the lawyer's legs, doubling him over ... and with the second kick, puts the lawyer into the barbed wire fence, the third kick he delivers straight to the lawyers face. Well, he thinks, that's not TOO bad, a few bruises, a cut lip and a loose tooth or two from the kicks, and gashes and torn clothes from the barbed wire (and a little bow legged from the 1st kick), but is SURE he can now take the farmer. He turns around and tells the farmer it is HIS turn .... well ... the farmer just tosses him the bird and says "I give up ... you're too smart for me to tangle with" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jumpy 0 #5 September 28, 2002 Your lawyer, accountant, and ex-wife jump off a 10 storey building. Who hits the ground first? . .. ... .... Who cares? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ChileRelleno 0 #6 September 28, 2002 Whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? Ones a bottom feeding mucksucker and the others a fish. ChileRelleno-Rodriguez Bro#414 Hellfish#511,MuffBro#3532,AnvilBro#9, D24868 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nws01 0 #7 September 28, 2002 You all know there are a couple of lawyers on here. One of them is a high ranking official! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bbarnhouse 0 #8 September 29, 2002 QuoteYou all know there are a couple of lawyers on here. One of them is a high ranking official! Now Chromey remember it is important to practice tolerance.........diversity is good....now repeat after me...... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
quatorze 1 #9 September 30, 2002 Quote. One of them is a high ranking official! Just means he has screwed more people than the rest of us? I'm not afriad of dying, I'm afraid of never really living- Erin Engle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bobsoutar 0 #10 September 30, 2002 What is brown and black and looks good on an attorney? A doberman pincer! What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulcher? A vulcher doesn't get frequent flyer miles! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jfields 0 #11 September 30, 2002 Quotevulcher Vulture. Sorry. I couldn't help myself. Main Entry: vulture Function: noun Etymology: Middle English, from Latin vultur Date: 14th century 1 : any of various large raptorial birds (families Accipitridae and Cathartidae) that are related to the hawks, eagles, and falcons but have weaker claws and the head usually naked and that subsist chiefly or entirely on carrion 2 : a rapacious or predatory person Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
f1freak 0 #12 September 30, 2002 How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination ofthe area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout. 2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes. 3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb). Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do som the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'. HAVE FUN... ...JUST DONT DIE Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
quatorze 1 #13 September 30, 2002 well thank you very much, my head hurts now I'm not afriad of dying, I'm afraid of never really living- Erin Engle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #14 September 30, 2002 For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time, he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant in her lap. "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name." "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brisco 0 #15 September 30, 2002 A guy is visiting San Francisco and while in Chinatown, he stops into an antique/curio shop where he finds a bronze rat. Thinking it would make a great conversation piece for his office, he asks the price of the rat. The shop owner tells him that the bronze rat is $10 and another $100 for the story that goes with it. The guy says, "I'll just take the rat - you can keep the story!", pays the $10 and starts walking back to his hotel. He's barely out of the store when a real, live rat crawls out of a hole somewhere and begins to follow him. That rat is soon joined by another and then another. The guys starts walking faster and the rats keep up with him, all the while more and more rats are joining the parade. So the man starts running and the rats start running. Rats are crawling out of every hole and alley and soon there are thousands of rats running after the man. Near panic, the man runs as fast as he can with all the rats in hot pursuit. He runs right down to the edge of San Francisco Bay and hurls the bronze rat as far into the bay as he can and all the rats jump into the bay after it and drown. The man goes back to the store where he bought the rat and the owner says, "Ah! I see you've come back for the story of the bronze rat!!" "Not at all", says the man, "I just came back to see if you had any bronze lawyers!!" Brisco Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #16 September 30, 2002 Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. A totally nude blonde woman floated onto the beach, unconscious. One said to the other, "You know we've been on this island for months now, without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should, you know, screw her?" The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kennedy 0 #17 September 30, 2002 Quote"out of what?" I don't know whether to laugh or cry. You first have to tell me: is it a true story? witty subliminal message Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards. 1* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #18 September 30, 2002 The devil came to a young lawyer and said, "I'll make you a partner in your firm if you give me your soul, your wife's soul and the souls of each of your three kids—and you have to agree to sell every one of your clients down the river." "Okay," said the lawyer, "but what's the catch?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
