Sassy 0 #1 September 23, 2002 Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #2 September 23, 2002 What do you call a blonde in a closet ? The 1984 Hide-And-Seek champion. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rhino 0 #3 September 23, 2002 How can you tell if a blonde has been using a vibrator? Her front teeth are chipped Rhino Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nws01 0 #4 September 23, 2002 What do you call a blond with a dollar on her head? All you can eat under a dollar! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AggieDave 6 #5 September 23, 2002 Whats the first thing a blonde does after sex? Opens the car door.--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bluefingers 0 #6 September 23, 2002 *rolls around clutching tummy* .... Kerry Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rhino 0 #7 September 23, 2002 I thought that was how does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?? Opening the car door Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rhino 0 #8 September 23, 2002 What do you call a smart blonde? A golden Retriever... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skygal3 0 #9 September 23, 2002 thank you for these! I printed them and distributed them throughout the building...not that anyone here has a sense of humor...hell, I recycled the paper Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
trilete312 0 #10 September 23, 2002 Who are all the really dumb blondes??? All the Brunettes with peroxide!!!----------- Ready, Set, Gooooooo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rhino 0 #11 September 23, 2002 * What do you call a bunch of blondes in a line?? A wind tunnel * How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer?? Their is white out all over the screen * How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #12 September 23, 2002 Some days I think my job is tough. Read the word on the persons hat in the pic. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nws01 0 #13 September 23, 2002 Smart Blond...Like Lewmonst! A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says that the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is ...why would you bother to borrow $5000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #14 September 23, 2002 After taking his blonde date to a movie and a nice dinner, the smitten young man drove to a quiet spot and parked. The couple began to neck, and when things got steamy, the fellow asked, "How about getting in the back seat?" "No," she said. He began to kiss her again and started running his hands up and down her body. "Now will you get in the back seat?" he asked. "No," she said more firmly. He went back to kissing and rubbing and finally, between clenched teeth, pleaded, "For God's sake, get in the back seat, will you?" "No!" she screamed. "Well, why the hell not?" he asked. "Because," she replied sweetly, "I want to stay up here with you." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jraf 0 #15 September 23, 2002 I love SouthWest Airlines. This I heard myself after a flight from Dallas to Orlando. As we taxied to the terminal the attendant sang: Zippydeedoodaa, zippydeeday If you don't like us fly TWAjraf Me Jungleman! Me have large Babalui. Muff #3275 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Thanatos340 1 #16 September 23, 2002 A Blonde gets pulled over by the State Patrol for speeding. When the officer walks up to the Car window, he does not realize his Pants are unzipped. The Blonde sees this and says, "Damn!! Not another Breath-alyzer!!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy 0 #18 September 23, 2002 Breath-alyzer!?!?!?!? And I thought that was snorkeling gear Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Enrique 0 #19 September 23, 2002 13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"*** LMAO!!! These two are soooo funny! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #20 September 23, 2002 Bob walked into the bedroom to find his wife having sex with another man. "What the hell is going on here?" Bob asked. "Who is this man?" His wife, after a thoughtful moment, responded, "That's a fair question." Then, turning to the naked man beside her, she asked, "What's your name?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rhino 0 #21 September 23, 2002 That was a good one.. LOL There were 3 chicks base jumping at the top of a mountain. Before they jumped an angel appeared and said I will give you anything you wish for, all you have to do is scream it the moment you jump off the edge of the cliff.. The three chicks are skeptical. The first one runs and jumps yelling "I want to be a bird!!" and POOF she flies away.. The second chick excited, takes off running. She jumps off the cliff and yells "I want to be a bird!!" and POOF she flies away with her friend.. The third chick overwhelmed with excitement starts sprinting towards the edge of the cliff and just as she is about to clear the edge she trips on a rock and yells "SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!!" PLOP!! Carefull what you wish for Rhino Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kennedy 0 #22 September 23, 2002 What do a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck upwitty subliminal message Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards. 1* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kingbunky 3 #23 September 24, 2002 QuoteI love SouthWest Airlines. This I heard myself after a flight from Dallas to Orlando. As we taxied to the terminal the attendant sang: Zippydeedoodaa, zippydeeday If you don't like us fly TWA sounds like westjet up here in canada.... sung to the theme of the barney song: we love you you love us westjet's better than the bus with a great big hug and a kiss from you to me marry one of us and you fly for free!"Hang on a sec, the young'uns are throwin' beer cans at a golf cart." MB4252 TDS699 killing threads since 2001 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
