Kids say the darndest things, Work Safe

[quatorze 1]

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it
was
dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?"she asked her
pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered
the
child

innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in
surprise.

"You
know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!'
and
it
didn't move."
_________________________________________________
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank
you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can! you bring a drink of
water?"

________________________________________________
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The
boy
thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in
an
out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For
Heaven's
sake,

Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
_________________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
was
tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when
he
asked
with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't
dear,"
she

said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was
broken
at
last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
_________________________________________________
It was that time, during ! the Sunday morning service, for
the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come
forward.
One
little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as
she
sat
down, the pastor leaned
over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your
Easter
Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's
clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
_________________________________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my
three
year
old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get
into the

shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied,
"Yes,

honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I
know,"
she

replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself,
"Two
plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus si! x,
that
son
of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying
and
gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And

this
is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes,"
he
answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next
day,

"What are you
teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now,
we
are
learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching
them
to
say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the
teacher
stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two
plus
two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
_________________________________________________
One day a teacher read the story Chicken Little her class.
She
came
to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn
the
farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to
the
farmer
and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"! The
teacher

paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer
said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think
he
said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to
teach
for

the next 10 minutes.

I'm not afriad of dying, I'm afraid of never really living- Erin Engle

[Sassy 0]

That last one is great!
Sassy

[BikerBabe 0]

I actually witnessed this one:

We're out at the DZ one day, and one of our staff members has a 5-yr old daughter. He also has a skydiving girlfriend who is a DJ on a local station. She takes his daugther into the studio with her to record a show. Here's how it went:

DJ: I have my boyfriend's daughter in here, and she wants to say something on the radio.

Girl: I love my mommy very much.

DJ: I thought you were going to say something about your daddy? (this was the plan...)

Girl: My daddy is very well fed.......(long pause).............the cats!

DJ: What? (holding back laughter)

Girl: He feeds the cats very well!

Well, of course the radio at this point was blaring, so proud dad could let everyone hear his daughter on the radio...the screams of laughter from 20 skydivers could be heard on the airplane, I'm sure, drowning out the second part of his daughter's statement...

We still tell him that he's looking very well-fed today!

Never meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup!

[jumpy 0]

lol..funny stuff

This is a story my dad tells about my sister when she was about 5:

My sisters holding grandma's ring and grandma goes...
Grandma: You know that'll be yours when i'm gone Georgina

*The cogs in little girls head can be seen turning*

Georgina: Your getting pretty old aren't you grandma?!?

[TheBile 0]

My 5 year old nephew was sitting in the back of my car for the first time with his mother. After I negotiated a bend in the road he says, "Uncle Kev drives fast, doesn't he ? I nearly went tippy-over then."

Gerb

I stir feelings in others they themselves don't understand. KA'CHOW !

[skygirlpc 0]

This is great! I love the way kids see things! A friend told me about this one:
Her friend had just gotten her son a can of soda and from the back seat of the car he asked her what "circumcise" meant. Shocked, she slowly explained the whole procedure to him. After wich, he said "then why does my soda say one circumcise per can?"
I thought it was pretty funny!

"Life is either a great adventure or nothing." - Helen Keller

[bluefingers 0]

I apparently called my mother a fornicator when I was about 4. Had absolutely no idea what it meant, and not entirely sure where I heard it either

Kerry

[VisionAir 0]

Holy Shit that was funny
An actual amusing read for once.

Huh?!? What cloud?!? Oh that!!! That's just Industrial Haze
Alex M.

[Cajones 0]

Those are great! Here's one from the many I've heard from the DZ kids...
We have a particularly mature 5 year-old who can come up with the most interesting questions. She has an understanding that boys and girls spend time together, like Mommy and Daddy do. She also has an understanding that animals and such do, too. That's why you don't let your female pets outside sometimes, because they can end up pregnant and you'll have too many pets. Now, as the picture of other creatures may have the same sort of arrangement, she became fascinated with some of the many, many spiders that inhabit our hangar. She says, "Cajones, what kind of spiders are those?" To which I reply, "Those are daddy long-legs." "Is one of them a mommy long-legs?" "No." I stated "They are both called daddy long-legs." There was a long pause as she crouched watching them. Then she stood up, promptly stomping them and proclaiming "We're not having that around here!" and walked away...

The laws of physics are strictly enforced.

[TheBile 0]

Quote

An actual amusing read for once

You mean like the amusing posts you don't contribute ?
I've had a bad day

Gerb

I stir feelings in others they themselves don't understand. KA'CHOW !

[Michele 1]

Just had to add this....

I was babysitting my nephew last night - 3.5 years old...and he had seen the ESPN thing.

Jonathan: Noni, you hadda helmet on your head!
Me: yes, I did
Jonathan: why?
Me: to protect my head in case I crash
Jonathan: Oh, yeah, so 'cause when you crash with a cloud, your head doesn't hurt like when I crash on the stairs....

Made me crack up.

Ciels and Pinks-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[moodyskydiver 0]

LMAO!!! These are so cute!

I have 3 neices and 1 nephew,so I have tons of stories like these. When we found out my 5 yr old nephew's new step mom was going to have a baby we asked him what he would like to name it. Daniel sat back awhile,thinking hard,then his face brightened and he said " Elmo!!" It took all of us a second to keep a straight face.

As of Tuesday, Daniel now has a new baby step sister named Taylor.He still wants to call her Elmo,but he is excited about the new baby. Poor boy! He has 4 sisters now and no brothers.

"...just an earthbound misfit, I."

[VisionAir 0]

You mean like the amusing posts you don't contribute ?

No I mean like the dribble you produce.

Huh?!? What cloud?!? Oh that!!! That's just Industrial Haze
Alex M.