happythoughts 0 #1 September 19, 2002 [size 2]This woman goes into a pet store. On the counter is a frog. $200. The woman asks why. The store owner says, "It has a huge tongue and has been trained to give women pleasure." The woman buys it, goes home, and returns the next day. "This frog didn't do anything." The store owner says, "Show me what you were doing." The woman takes her panties off and sits on the counter and puts the frog between her legs. The frog just sits there. "ribbit, ribbit". The store owner moves the frog and says "Ok, I'm only going to show you this one more time!" [/size] Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy 0 #2 September 19, 2002 Chili ContestNote: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-offabout the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's tableasking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the callcame in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."Here are the scorecards from the event:Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to betaken seriously.Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs morebeans.Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-pound bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshlyground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off myforehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and fourpeople behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemedoffended when I told her that her chili had given me braindamage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beerdirectly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled withgaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'mworried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined tostand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on cannedpeppers.Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of Chili #8 it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top ofhimself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #3 September 19, 2002 It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Deuce 1 #4 September 19, 2002 A guy on a country road slows at an intersection, sees no traffic and rolls through the stop sign. There's a freakin trooper he didn't see on the other corner and he gets pulled over. License and registration says the trooper. Why? Cause you didn't stop at that stop sign. License and reg, please. But I slowed down. You didn't stop. Give me your license and registration, sir. What's the difference? Sir. Stop means stop, not slow. Give me your license and registration, now, please. Oh, c'mon. What's the big difference between slowing down and stopping? Step out of the car, sir. When the guy gets out of the car the trooper beats him to the ground with his baton, and methodically continues to hit him. "Sir?" says the trooper "Do you want me to stop, or slow down?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ChileRelleno 0 #5 September 19, 2002 big huge belly laughs,my ribs hurt!!!That was beautiful!!!!I'm a bigtime chili/chile aficiando and I've hurt people with my chemistry.I eat Habeneros like most people eat Jalepenos. Thank you so much for the laughs... ChileRelleno-Rodriguez Bro#414 Hellfish#511,MuffBro#3532,AnvilBro#9, D24868 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kingbunky 3 #6 September 19, 2002 QuoteChili Contest ok, everyone at work used to think i was weird, now they know. i came very close to literally falling out of my chair and was laughing out loud so hard people were coming over to see what i was doing... that and i just blew coke all over my monitor. "Hang on a sec, the young'uns are throwin' beer cans at a golf cart." MB4252 TDS699 killing threads since 2001 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TEB6363 0 #7 September 19, 2002 Pretty good start for Thursday.. Once the plane takes off, you're gonna have to land - Might as well jump out!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kingbunky 3 #8 September 19, 2002 Stock Tip!!! Pfizer Corp. (PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as-is or as a mixer, under the name "Mount and Do." Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one." Recommendation: BUY "Hang on a sec, the young'uns are throwin' beer cans at a golf cart." MB4252 TDS699 killing threads since 2001 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nws01 0 #9 September 19, 2002 QuoteChili Contest LMFAO! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy 0 #10 September 19, 2002 Most of us don't have the slightest idea what MOST of this means....but Dr. Seuss is going to try to explain why computers sometimes crash.... If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the mem'ry makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wmw999 2,485 #11 September 19, 2002 On that note, I think that a reading of the following Amazon.com book review (The Story About Ping) will help. The book is a long-time favorite children's book. The first review is the one in question. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0140502416/qid=1032470465/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_1/104-6254129-3989555?v=glance&s=books&n=507846 Wendy W.There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy 0 #12 September 19, 2002 Sheesh....was that in English!?!?! Sassy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites