Saturday Funnies

[Sassy 0]

(1) What does the average Texas A&M player get on his SATs? Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put 8 Arkansas cheerleaders in one
room? A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
Grease her hips and push.
(4) How do you get a Colorado graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
(5) Why do the Texas Tech cheerleaders wear bibs? To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
(6) Why is the Baylor football team like a possum? Because they
play dead at home and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest four years of an Oklahoma football player's life? His freshman year.
(8) How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light
bulb? None....That's a sophomore course.
(9) Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco? Lexington, Kentucky.
He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy
winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)
(10) Why did Texas choose orange as their team color? You can wear
it for the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
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As a travel agency owner I really appreciate these..LOL

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel."
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
Part I
** I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
** I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look
like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
**A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the Vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since
Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."
**I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, But they look so close on the map."
** Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in
Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I
heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
**A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.
I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the
plane went very fast, and she bought that!
**A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said,"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.
**A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
**I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
**A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
**A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
** A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent wass at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the
agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every
airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it
is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New
York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!
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Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely
horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them were really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[ShortBus 0]

buwahaha...good stuff made me laugh anyways

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man