our "dam" tax dollars at work

[n2skdvn 0]

read this it tooo funny!

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson
MI 49339

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;

T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division



------ This is the actual response sent back -------



Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (beavers) and the environment (beavers' dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[freeflir29 0]

Dam funny!!!!

[Jimbo 0]

Dam right!

"Like" - The modern day comma
Good bye, my friends. You are missed.

[Kris 0]

Dam skippy!

Kris

Sky, Muff Bro, Rodriguez Bro, and
Bastion of Purity and Innocence!™

[whatme 0]

DAM already read it in a email I got from a friend. Better luck next DAM time
Your Sis

[n2skdvn 0]

well thanks a whole DAM bunch sis!!!!
your bro

[Snowbird 0]

LMAO!

And I'm sending that dam one on.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

[AggieDave 6]

That was one heck of a dam letter...

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[skymut 0]

Well if that isn't the 'dam'-dest thing I ever read!

Matt
A well-informed person is somebody who has the same views and opinions as yours.

[seedy 0]

According to snopes.com, this is not a "dam" urban legend. Actually happened in Michigan.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

[wlie 0]

You said DAM. Eh ehehheh

My other ride is the relative wind.

[freeflir29 0]

Quote

this is not a "dam" urban legend

Actually quite believable. Sounds like something I would do...... Like the time I got "Called on the carpet" by this General as an Airman in the Air Force for writing "Cocksuckers fund" in the memo line of a check. Sure is funny now......

[Sebazz1 2]

Otters build Dams Man
Silly Montcalm County Blows
Get a Friggin Clue!!

[wingnut 0]

clay...sounds to funny not to give us the details on......

______________________________________
"i have no reader's digest version"

[freeflir29 0]

Quote

clay...sounds to funny not to give us the details on......

Well..not much to it really. I was out near the Survival School (Washington State) scouting some areas to go Elk hunting. Driving across this little Indian reservation minding my own business. How was I to know that they had a speed trap. Barely two lanes of tar and gravel road on which the speed limit was 55. I was doing my usual 5 over at 60MPH. Well...there is this little section about 150 Ft long where there is a church and the tribal headquarters. The speed limit goes from 55 to 30 for this 150 Ft. I blow through at 60 and get pulled over. The cop is a complete asshole just because it takes me about 2 minutes to dig my driver's license out of the console. He has walked back to his truck (Yes a chevy truck with a blue light on the dash) by now. I get out. Walk back and the asshole leaves me standing there with his window rolled up. He then rolls the window down (Power windows of course) just long enough to SNATCH my license out of my hand and roll the window up in my face. I turn around and walk back to my Jeep trying to breathe deeply and control my temper. He finally comes back and hands me a $168 ticket. I REALLY had to breathe deep to keep from getting out and beating this guys ass. OK...I made a mistake....write me a ticket....BUT don't write me a $168 ticket AND be an asshole about it.
I go home and wait a week or so. Finally I figure that I should just pay the ticket and be done with it. I'm writing out the check and my rebellious streak takes over. I put "Cocksuckers fund" on the memo line. Because my mailing address is Fairchild AFB they know I'm in the military. A copy of the check ends up on the WING COMMANDER'S (One star general) desk and he REALLY would like to talk me. I get called on to the carpet with my commander first. I actually ended up giving him a ration of shit. ( A lot more than I should have me being an E-3 and all) because they were just ready to fry my ass without even asking what happened or why I did that. After a long talk we both calmed down. Then I got to listen to the Wing King bitch for a few minutes a few days later. I didn't bother going through the whole story with him. It would have been wasted breath. I just wish I had been a FAC when all that went down. I would have had my feet propped up on that dick heads desk. In the end the Indians ended up apologizing to me for their officer being such a prick and I apologized to the poor lady that opened that check.... Funny story.....and just ONE MORE reason I'm not in the military anymore.