Tuesday Funny

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,
Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat,
and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in
their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I
miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

He replies "SEX!!!"

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun
to your head!"

I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it
for a while." "Well, I guess I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his
trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they
agree
to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and
Mildred would hold Howard's manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by
the
pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I
don't have?"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's!"

____________________
Say no to subliminal messages

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

BUNNY AND THE SNAKE
>
> >Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an
> >orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both
> >were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the
forest,
>
> >and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped
> >over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about
> >quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't
mean
>
> >to hurt you . I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm
> going.
> >In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's
> >quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as
> >yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my
> mother.
> >Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you
> >are, so at least you'll have that going for you.." "Oh, that would be
> >wonderful" replied the bunn y. So the snake slithered all over the
bunny,
>
> >and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long
ears;
>
> >your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you
> must
> >be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in
> obvious
> >excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you
all
>
> >over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So
> the
> >bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and
> >slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd
say
>
> >you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior
> management".

____________________
Say no to subliminal messages

[bivar 0]

A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor
and asked him what he was doing.

"I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The
lawyer responded.
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over
here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.
and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in
Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me
three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city
feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's
groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's
nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick
to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and
said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"

BI

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[ScottishJohn 25]

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"

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If you think my attitude stinks you should smell my fingers

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

Chinese Beauty

A man goes to a nightclub and starts chatting up a very attractive looking
Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her place
for "coffee."


They get back to her flat and she tells him to help himself to a drink
while she slips into something more comfortable.


Just as he's about to finish his martini, the incredibly sexy Chinese
seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee.


"I am your sex slave!," she announces. "I will do ANYTHING your precious
heart desires!"


The man can't believe his luck and says, while licking his lips in
anticipation, "Hmmmmm, well a 69 would really hit the spot."


She suddenly says, "SOD OFF!!! I'm not cooking for you at this time of
night!"

____________________
Say no to subliminal messages

[scottbre 0]

Quote

The man can't believe his luck and says, while licking his lips in
anticipation, "Hmmmmm, well a 69 would really hit the spot."


She suddenly says, "SOD OFF!!! I'm not cooking for you at this time of
night!"

Maybe it's just me, but I don't get it.

"Your mother's full of stupidjuice!"
My Art Project

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

At chinese take-aways, everything is numbered. So if you want to order food quickly, you give them a list of numbers.

____________________
Say no to subliminal messages

[scottbre 0]

Ah, ok. Shows how often I eat Chinese take out.

"Your mother's full of stupidjuice!"
My Art Project

[Sassy 0]

My lame contributions to Tuesday funnies
**************************************
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock, and I asked her why.
With a serious look on her face she said: "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
**************************************
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45am, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the
factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough,Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Happy Tuesday
Sassy

[goose491 0]

Oh "Test-Tickles!!" LOL! That was pretty funny

SuperMan is flying high over the skyscrappers of the city, looking for evil-do-ers. Suddenly he spots a naked Wonder-Woman laying flat on her back on the roof of the tallest building of the city!

"She must be working on her 'wonder'-ful tan!" says he, "I wonder... If I were to use my Super Speed, could I zip down there, give it to her and fly away before she caught on?"

So, being the man that he is, he cannot resist. Superman pulls his leotards down around his ankles and dives down to where the lovely, naked wonderwoman lay. He gives it to her the way only he can - at mach 3!! He finishes up with the hardest orgasm he has ever had, and flies away... All within the span of a fraction of a second.

Back on the rooftop, WonderWoman sits up real quick. Surprised, she says: "What the hell was that?"

"I don't know" replied the invisible man, "but it sure hurt my Ass!"

My Karma ran over my Dogma!!!