Tuesday funnies everyone contribute

[hobbes4star 0]

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the
chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish
manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and, as that
was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village,
he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody
seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant, either. Has
anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That still wasn't what I meant. Has
anybody seen my cock?"

All the nuns stood up.

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?

[JumpNFly 0]

hee hee hee hee, that was a good one...

The key to walking on water... Is knowing where the rocks are

[Ricx 0]

While were on the nun theme!........

At midnight one middle age man was waiting at a train station to cross the country to back east to see his relative. As he stepped up into the train car he noticed that the car was almost empty except a young beautiful nun sat by herself reading a bible.

The man came and sat near by her hoping to getsome companionship during the long ride. However, the nun was paying no attention
to him. She just kept on reading bible without even looking up to him nor saying a word. However as time went by slowly and silently, it made the man more and more anxious to start conversation.
But he did not know how to start.

The man then put his hand on the nun's lap. The nun blushed with a little bit of anger. She turn around and said:

Nun : Dear sir, do you believe in god?

Man : Yes, I do.

Nun : Have you read the bible ? You know it is wrong to put your hand
on my lap.Perhaps you should go home and read line 23 on page 157.

The man withdrew his hand and sat quietly till the train reached the East coast.
Next day, people found out that he shot himself in his room while the bible lay open on page 157. The line 23 read:

"Heaven is a little bit higher.

[captainquim 0]

still on the nun thing.

a man comes stumbling out of a pub late at night, after having had a skinfull, and sees a nun walking down the road, robes flowing. he stalks up to her, and punches her in the face, then kicks the crap out of her whilst she is lying on the floor. he then dusts himself down and walks off saying 'you're not so tough batman.'

[goose491 0]

We should change the name of this Thread to "Tuesday Nun Jokes"
The priest is re-decorating his office and has a few nuns painting. He says to them: "Now you'd better make sure not to get your habits dirty"

The nuns agree and decide that whilst the priest is away, they will remove their habits and paint in the nude so as to keep them clean. No harm here seeing as they are only in each others company. A few hours go by and the nude nuns are nearly finished painting the room when there is a knock on the door. One of the nuns asks quite nervously:" Who's there?" and the answer comes back:"Blind man!"

Then nuns decide that since the man is blind, there is no rush to get dress and so they let him in. The man walks in and displays a HUGE grin... "NICE TITS!!!" he says "Now, where do you want these blinds?"

My Karma ran over my Dogma!!!

[ScottishJohn 25]

Here's one for you.

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near
the rear, and as the priest was speaking they whispered and giggled
amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden,
Dopey stands up and hollers, "Father, are there any dwarf nuns in
the church?"

"No", said the priest, "There are no dwarf nuns in the church."

A little time passed and the bunch were again whispering and
giggling, causing a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.
Soon Dopey stood up again and asked, "Mr. Priest, are there any dwarf
nuns in the CITY?"

"No my son, there are no dwarf nuns in the city or in the church,"
says the priest.

Within a few minutes, again the jokesters resume their annoying
giggling to the dismay of the priest. A slightly agitated Dopey
stands up and asks: "Priest, are there any dwarf nuns in the whoel
STATE?"

"No my son, there are no dwarf nuns in the state, in the city and no
dwarf nuns in the church!" exclaimed the priest, obviously upset.

The dwarfs continue their interference. Dopey stand up and demands,
"Priest, are there any dwarf nuns in the country!"

The priest, totally angered, exclaims, "No my son, there are no
dwarf nuns in the church, in the city, in the state. No dwarf nuns
in the country, and there are no dwarf nuns in the whole world!

Less than a moment later could be heard from the rear of the church,
"Dopey f*cked a penguin. Dopey f*cked a penguin."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you think my attitude stinks you should smell my fingers

[Meathorse 0]

A couple of nuns were riding thier bicycles through the country one afternoon. One of the two doesn't recognize the scenery of the particular route they are taking that day. She says to the second nun "I don't think I've come this way before." To which the other replies "It must be the cobblestone."

[hobbes4star 0]

heeeeyyyy i just heard that joke on the radio...

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?

[pop 0]

A man walks in to the U.S. Patent Office with a sack of apples.
"I'd like to patent these apples," he says to the patent clerk.

The clerk tells him, "You can't patent apples, silly!"

The man says, "But these are special apples. There are none like
these in the world!"

Curious, the clerk asks him if he can taste one of the apples.
He reaches into his sack, pulls one out and gives it to the
clerk, who promptly takes a bite. "Wow! This tastes just like a
grapefruit!"

The man smiles and says to the clerk, "turn it over."

The clerk takes a bite out of the other side of the apple and
exclaims "Man! That tastes just like an orange! What else do you
have in there?"

The man gives him another one and the clerk bites into it. "How
do you do this? This one tastes just like a pear!" Says the
clerk.

"Turn it over", says the man again.

"Holy Cow, this side tastes like watermelon!"

Then the clerk leans in close to the man and whispers, "Hey
buddy, do you have any apples in there that taste like pussy?"

The man reaches into his sack again, pulls out another apple,
and hands it to the clerk. After taking a bite, the clerk starts
spitting the apple back out as fast as he can.

"Hey jerk," yells the clerk, "This tastes just like shit!"

The man smiles and says... "Turn it over!"

7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer

[Meathorse 0]

It was on the radio??... well shit on my apples :(

[pop 0]

Quote

It was on the radio??... well shit on my apples :(

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer

[Rdutch 0]

A Cabbie in New York city gets a call to pick someone up. Much to his surprise when he gets there its a nun. After a short drive and small talk the cabbie turns into a dark alley and starts to cry. The nun asks the man "why are you crying my son". The man replies "I cant say its too bad". The nun replies "I am a sister of the cloth and have heard all and seen all nothing is too bad if I can help". The man says "sitster I appologize but I have always had a fantasy all my life to get a blowjob form a nun". The nun replies "If I do this for you will you loose all these sinful thoughts my son"? The man says yes. And the nun says "are you a married man?" the man says "YES" Do you have children? the man says "YES". Ok says the nun I will do this to save you from having impure thoughts. Two minutes into the B.J the man starts crying and the nun asks "Why my son are you crying isnt this what you wanted? The man replies "You are such a nice lady I have to admit I lied, I am not married and I have no children Im not even religious" The nun says fear not my son you arent the only one with a secret "my name is DAVE im on the way to a costume party.

Ray
Small and fast what every girl dreams of!

[Deuce 1]

Three guys are shitfaced in a bar. The big one says to one of the others "hey, want to see something amazing?" one other guy says "yeah".

So they tromp up the stairs of the building to the 8th floor. Huffing and puffing they walk to the edge of the building overlooking an alley. It's windy. The big guys says "the updraft in this alley is so strong it will lift you right back up onto this roof" "Bullsh*t" says the other.

So the big fella staggers over to the edge and drops off. A moment later he hurtles back up the edge of the building and lands on his ass next to the other guys and he's laughing like mad. "Man! That's fun!" The other guy doesn't want to miss out so he stumbles over to the edge, says "Watch this" and swan dives beautifully off the building. He crashes through the windshield of a car about a second later with a tremendous splattering racket.

The remaining guy turns to the big guy and says "You're an assh*le when you're drunk, Superman"

[jessefs 0]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Cheers
Jesse

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