WOMEN vs. MEN

[canopycudler 0]

Oil Change Instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
* Oil Change $20.00
* Coffee $1.00
* Total $21.00.
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on yourself in the process.
12. Clean up mess.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30. Drink beer.
31. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail.
50. Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
* Parts $50.00
* DUI $2,500.00
* Impound fee $75.00
* Bail $1,500.00
* Beer $25.00
* Total-- $4,150.00
1 potato, 2 potato, 3 potato GO.. 3 potato, 2 potato, 1 potato... THROW!
...Tina

[lummy 4]

I'm just wondering why you're paying the dollar for Coffee when it's free at Jiffy lube ;)
Still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest....

[kmcguffee 0]

OK......that was good I must admit. ROFL

[homer 0]

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
What does a women know about wrenches. GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN!!!!!
The things you regret most in life are the risks you didn't take.

[MrHixxx 0]

Oil Change for Women:
Whatya mean you have to change the oil?
$5000.00 new engine after being ripped off.
$500.00 spent on mechanic at topless bar on first date.
$50.00 spent at Bath and Body works on products to wash off the taint the mechanic leaves from balling her.
$500,000.00 spent raising mechanic's kid after he bails.
Priceless : public humiliation on Jerry Springer telling the story.
total : $505,550.00
Oil Change for man:
3.50 for filter at Walmart
5.00 for oil at Walmart
Priceless : moment of Zen under the car listening to tunes away from the raving bitch in the kitchen.
total : $8.50
luv, Hixxx
"Sous ma tub, Dr. Suess ma tub"

[Scratch 0]

TWO YEAR DEGREE FOR MEN
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you
should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six
mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn a MA degree (Male
Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas
Winter Schedule:
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What's Hers is Hers
Spring Schedule:
MEN 120: How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers
SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
(Elective) (See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
Spring Schedule:
MEN 220: Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
Course Electives:
EAT 101: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-in-law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her
Now after studying ( and paying) all of this she runs off with the mechanic because you are too much of a wimp and she wants a real man.
Women!!!!
Whenever I look at one I hear those words from my childhood
"Don't touch Sweetie that's hot."

[scottbre 0]

Ok, how bout something that really happened as opposed to a joke. Just as funny though.
I am friends with a newlywed couple, and the guy had told his wife that she needed to put some more oil in the engine. After telling her where the oil was in the garage he went to work. When he got home from work that evening, curious as to how low the oil level in her car had gotten, he asked her if she had put oil in the car yet.
"Yes," she replied.
"How much did you end up putting in?" he questioned further.
"I'm not sure exactly. About a teaspoon."
20 million bathtubs can't be wrong. . .

[Lindsey 0]

the difference between men and women

lol...

--
A conservative is just a liberal who's been mugged. A liberal is just a conservative who's been to jail

[Spy38W 0]

Quote

the difference between men and women

lol...

Haha, so true

--
Hook high, flare on time

[pop 0]

that is classsic. hahahaha

7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer

[megscott73 0]

Classed being offered:

CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS - SIGN-UP BY JULY 30TH

NOTE: Due to the complexity/difficulty level of their content, each course will accept only 8 participants.

TOPIC 1: HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step, with slide presentation

TOPIC 2: THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion

TOPIC 3: IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group Practice

TOPIC 4: FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures and explanatory graphics
TOPIC 5: AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
Examples on video

TOPIC 6: LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER
Help line support and support groups

TOPIC 7: LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum

TOPIC 8: HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
Graphics and audio tape

TOPIC 9: REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonials

TOPIC 10: IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

TOPIC 11: LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE
Online classes and role-playing

TOPIC 12: HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

TOPIC 13: HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES, AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Cerebral shock therapy sessions; also offering full lobotomies

UPON COMPLETION OF COURSE, DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO ANY SURVIVORS.

=======================
"What I want is what I've not got ,but what I need is all around me"-DMB
Meghan

[wlie 0]

Quote

Classed being offered:

CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS - SIGN-UP BY JULY 30TH

Damn it woman! Couldn't you have told me sooner?

[megscott73 0]

Late registration is still available!!!!!!!! Call ASAP!

=======================
"What I want is what I've not got ,but what I need is all around me"-DMB
Meghan

[wlie 0]

Don't need to. The wife's teaching those course

[FliegendeWolf 0]

Hmmm. I really can't resist adding my $.02 to some of these:
TOPIC 3: IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Is it possible to check whether the seat is down late at night before sitting on the rim?
TOPIC 8: HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
Unless you're allergic to pollen!
TOPIC 10: IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Is it genetically impossible to parallel park?
TOPIC 11: LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE
Hmm... I can think of a few women who should enroll in this class themselves.
TOPIC 12: HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
How to shop solo.
Gosh, what would life be without its little differences!

A One that Isn't Cold is Scarcely a One at All

[ee7joa 0]

Quote

TOPIC 10: IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Is it genetically impossible to parallel park?

LOL , excellent!

[skymut 0]

HEY, I could teach those courses, thank you very much. If any doubt, ask the misses...

Matt
A well-informed person is somebody who has the same views and opinions as yours.

[wlie 0]

Yeah sure you can. But with the missus, I get inter-course!

[Scratch 0]

He he

There is a saying at my end of the world.
"A man who shags his wife is hard up"

[Scratch 0]

A man is driving down a road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG". The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "SLUT!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and dies.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only men would listen

[FliegendeWolf 0]

If only men would listen, then what?

A One that Isn't Cold is Scarcely a One at All