Darwin Awards ....

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

DARWIN AWARDS

Yes, the one we've all been waiting for... the Darwin Award 2002. The
candidates have finally been released

For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to
the person who provided the Universal human gene pool the biggest service
by
getting KILLED in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always,
competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have
trained their whole lives for this event!

> >DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES:


1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned In two
feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100- foot-high cliff on
his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had Dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel
Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the
outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way
to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while
about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as He fell
face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death
was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his
hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet, Nick Berea, 20,was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berea was
wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,Del,as
he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with
four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel
Kolta,27,and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a
tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS:

1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with
a
shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a
rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his
skull.

2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean Out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a
propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of
his house.

3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and His wife
Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew
up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the
dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen,
but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends When one
of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more
heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that
no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued
drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay
nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the
other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby
fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out
for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's
foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER THIS YEAR:

GIESSEN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Reinhardt Lutz fed his constipated
elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of
berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let
fly-and
suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Lutz, 54, was attempting to give the ailing
elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him.
"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.Lutz to
the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the
elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said
flabbergasted
Giessen police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay
under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and
during that time he suffocated. "It seems to be
just one of those freak accidents that happen."!

____________________
Say no to subliminal messages

[Zennie 0]

Not to pick nits.... OK I am.

But technically you don't have to be killed, all you have to do is remove yourself from the gene pool.

There have been a couple of candidates who did something extraordinarily stupid which rendered them unable to ... ahem.... procreate.

- Z
"Always be yourself... unless you suck." - Joss Whedon

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

And the less said about that the better

____________________
Say no to subliminal messages

[DTOXX 0]

My favorite "gene pool removal sans death" Darwin is the one where two guys wrecked their truck when the drive was shot in the groin.

Coming back from a night of drinking, funny how alcohol is involved in most of these, the dashboard lights fuse blew. They did not have a replacement but did discover that a .22 shell fit the slot nicely. A short time later enough heat had built up to set off the cap thus firing the round out of the fuse box which ironically is located under the dash and facing the driver.

-------
D.T. Holder
SIMstudy

[airborne31582 0]

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet, Nick Berea, 20,was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berea was
wearing.


Please don't let it be Army, Please don't let it be Army, ah who am i kidding it probably is....


Christopher Ramirez
Army ROTC cadet
New Mexico State University

[Deuce 1]

What are the two most frequently heard last words of a drunk man?

"Watch this"

[hobbes4star 0]

what a way to die. did anyone read last years??
last years winners were way better.
how morbid is this??

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?

[Zennie 0]

Yeah, 4, 5 & 6 are way better on the stupidity front. The winner was just a victim of being in the wrong place at the wrong ... AHEM ... time.

I'm leaning toward runner up #4 because it's just so freaky, twisted & unique.

- Z
"Always be yourself... unless you suck." - Joss Whedon

[coconutmonkey 0]

Actually, those are precluded by the phrase,"Hey, hold my beer..."

Hearts & Minds
2 to the Heart-
1 to the Mind-
Home of the Coconut Lounge, Spa, & Artillery Range

[Deuce 1]

Quote

Actually, those are precluded by the phrase,"Hey, hold my beer..."

While driving in Montana. (Where it's illegal to drive drunk, but legal to drive while drinking)

[lippy 918]

I heard one about some guy who attatched rocket boosters to the side of his Pinto, and drove himself into a cliff. Anybody know if this is true, or where to find the whole story?

I got nuthin

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

Yeah - he attached at JATO rocket to his car - almost went supersonic down a road and when he hit a corner, the car took off into a cliff - all they found was bits of bone embedded in the rock

____________________
Say no to subliminal messages

[Deuce 1]

The JATO was strapped into the bed of his Courier pickup or something. That is my all time favorite.

I figure on that one, when you get to heaven all the saints are crowded up at the gate just to get a look at you. "Is that the rocket-truck guy?"

St. Peter cracking up so bad he can't even talk. Just waves you in. Everybody shouting "Hey, RT! What up?"

[PhreeZone 20]

Sorry... The Jato car legend is a hoax...

http://www.bored.com/rocketcar/
http://yarchive.net/car/rocket_car.html

And the best one of all...
http://www.snopes.com/autos/dream/jato.htm

Yesterday is history
And tomorrow is a mystery

Parachutemanuals.com

[Deuce 1]

GREAT!

I can be the first to launch a JATO powered Ford Courier off the edge of the Grand Canyon.

[Jiggs 0]

I think that those are old ones as I have heard them all before, as far as I know I think this is the current list: (either way who cares as they are funny)

The JATO thing is also in this one

Enjoy!

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of
it.


And the 2002 nominees are:


8. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into
the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.


7. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its
place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow
wooden tube approx.12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was
inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his
suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his
death to his family very awkward.


6. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.


5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and
killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which
had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to
press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost
her own.


4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to
the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren
Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone
because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
ground," Carmichaelsaid. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major
trauma."


3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalised.


2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building
had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.
Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of
the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but
the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by
his peers.


1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the
crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them
solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of
pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the
height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than
his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest
link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle
was plucked from him forever! and remained in the ball washer, while the
other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the
housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.To add insult to
injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from
the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the
hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the
course.


And the winner for 2002 is . . .


The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded
into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The
wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The
type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out
what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten
hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket)
that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for
taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into
the desert and found a long and straight stretch of road. Then he attached
the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the
JATO!


The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967
Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from
the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted
asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have
reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds
well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional
20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have
experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under
full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder
of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for
about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the Driver applied and completely
melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the
road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and
impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened
crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not
recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were
extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from
a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.


Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I,
attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.

"Don't blame malice for what stupidity can explain."

"In our sleep, pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart and in our despair, against our will comes wisdom" - Aeschylus

[Skypeg1 0]

And just now on cable channel TLC they chronicled Jesse "The Human Bomb" who blows himself up at biker bars and other fine establishments and gatherings. It seems he blew off his right testicle in Lansing, MI.

I think that rates an honorable mention. LOL

Blue skies, etc.

SKYPEG

[PhillyKev 0]

Actually, I think these are even older than the original posters. I don't think there are any official darwin awards. Just random stupid things that may or may not be true spread via email with "Darwin Awards" as the subject.

[indyz 1]

There actually is an official Darwin Awards website that gathers and investigates stories, then names the "winners." They also put out an excellent little book.

[AggieDave 6]

I used to think these were kinda funny until they (the Darwin Award people) put up Texas A&M Bonfire and the 12 that died from it (especially Scott West '02) up for the Darwin Awards. Since then, they can kiss my ass and they get a very loud Fuck Off from me!

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[Zenister 0]

indeed they were. Army cadets.

but then, we dont really need anymore "dots" now do we?

2 of the top 10 most dangerous things you'll ever here in the army
2nd Lt. "in my experience"
CW3 (off to the side) "watch this shit"

____________________________________
Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed.