Dilbert-isms in Real Life?

[GrumpySmurf 0]

Dunno how true these are, but they are rather funny (my fav is #5) **********

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.
They were looking for people to submit quotes
from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are
the finalists:


1."As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to
access the building using individual security cards.
Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at
Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.)


2."What I need is a list of specific unknown problems
we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3."E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or
data. It should be used only for company business.

4."This project is so important, we can't let things
that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5."Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the
schedule."

6."No one will believe you solved this problem in
one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go
act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when
it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and
Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7."My Boss spent the entire week end retyping a
25-page proposal that only needed corrections.
She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was
write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

8.Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of
people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9.My sister passed away and her funeral was
scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss,
he said she died on purpose so that I would
have to miss work on the busiest day of the
year. He then asked if we could change her
burial to Friday. He said, "That would be
better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

10."We know that communication is a problem, but the
company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

11.We recently received a memo from senior management
saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be
issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12.One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report
to him concerning a project I was working on.
I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said,
"If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

13.As director of communications, I was asked to
prepare a memo reviewing our company's training
programs and materials. In the body of the memo
in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical
approach" used by one of the training manuals.

The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR director's office,
and told that the executive vice president wanted
me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I
was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts
(pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he
showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I
be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red.
The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once
he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a
copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me
not to worry. He would take care of it.

Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out
directing us that no words which could not be found in
the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.

A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company
policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words
together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

[sunshine 2]

Yeah, did you get the memo about the TPS reports?"You have not truly lived, til you've known someone worth dying for"

[ChromeBoy 0]

Quote

Yeah, did you get the memo about the TPS reports?

That's the problem. I have 8 different bosses. If I am late on my TPS reports I have 8 different people coming to me and asking where they are!
Blue Happiness Stuff,
Chrome

[BikerBabe 0]

eeeek! Funniest. movie. EVER.
I'd have to say that in a given week I only do about 15 minutes of real, actual work...

[flyhi 24]

Friend of mine was walking by the copy room and saw his boss in there. Went in to make small talk and ask his boss what he was doing. The boss said he had a bunch of files and documents he wanted to get rid of and he liked to make a copy of everything he threw away. My friend blames that boss for getting him passed over for promotion.
Me? I just throw out everything I get. If it's important, someone will call and ask about it.
flyhi

[ChromeBoy 0]

Human beings were not meant to sit in tiny cubicles and stare and computer screens all day!
Blue Happiness Stuff,
Chrome

[freeflir29 0]

Quote

A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company
policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words
together from the Sunday paper.

That REALLY sounds like something I would do.....
"Here I come to save the BOOBIES!"

[AggieDave 6]

Hey Peter man, watch your cornhole!
Aerials
So up high
When you free your lives (the) eternal prize

[indyz 1]

Hard time in a Federal "pound me in the ass" prison.
--
Brian

[gravitysurf808 0]

What the F**K does 'PC Load Letter' mean???
or
"Well Bobs, I wouldn't really say I've been 'missing' work.
Classic!
"This is the 4th time I've been late for work this week!!...and it's only Tuesday!" ...Cheech and Chong