Monday morning funnies

[bill2 0]

> > Order in the Court, judge has 'ta spit!!
> > These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
things
> > people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now
> > published by court reporters - who had the torment of
staying calm
> > while these
> > exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are
excellent -
> > don't miss the last one.
> >
> > Q: Are you sexually active?
> > A: No, I just lie there.
> >
> >
> > Q: What is your date of birth?
> > A: July fifteenth.
> > Q: What year?
> > A: Every year.
> >
> >
> > Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> >
> >
> > Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
> > A: Yes.
> > Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > A: I forget.
> > Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've
> > forgotten?
> >
> >
> > Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > Q: How long has he lived with you?
> > A: Forty-five years.
> >
> >
> > Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke up
> > that morning?
> > A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > Q: And why did that upset you?
> > A: My name is Susan.
> >
> >
> > Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or
the
> > occult?
> > A: We both do.
> > Q: Voodoo?
> > A: We do.
> > Q: You do?
> > A: Yes, voodoo.
> >
> >
> > Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he
> > doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> >
> >
> > Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
> >
> >
> > Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> >
> > Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > A: Yes.
> > Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> >
> >
> > Q: She had three children, right?
> > A: Yes.
> > Q: How many were boys?
> > A: None.
> > Q: Were there any girls?
> >
> > Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > A: By death.
> > Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> >
> >
> > Q: Can you describe the individual?
> > A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > Q: Was this a male, or a female?
> >
> >
> > Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition
notice
> > which I sent to your attorney?
> > A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> >
> >
> > Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
> > A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> >
> >
> > Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
> > A: Oral.
> >
> >
> > Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> > A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an
> > autopsy.
> >
> >
> > Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> >
> >
> > Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a
> > pulse?
> > A: No.
> > Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > A: No.
> > Q: Did you check for breathing?
> > A: No.
> > Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began
> > the autopsy?
> > A: No.
> > Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
> > A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law
> > somewhere
> > *************************

[whatme 0]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Divadiver 0]

Quote

> A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

Absolutely priceless!!!
Diva

[bbarnhouse 0]

Too funny......yeah sounds some of the lawyers i've dealt with
over the years. LOL
It only takes a little pixie dust......

[Magistr8 0]

Here is an e-mail I got a while back about a guy who is very bitter with the airlines and managed to post this on his company BB.
Check this out
Nervous? Hah! NERVOUS?! Forget it! I am not the least tiny little
BIT nervous about engaging in air travel these days!!
Why even as I write these words, I am boldly sitting in a jet-powered
commercia l airplane, and I am cool as a cucumber. This is because we
are on the ground at the famous Atlanta airport, which means we will
all be dead from starvation long before we take off, because there are
1,450 aircraft ahead of us, includin g a number of biplanes still
awaiting clearance to participate in World War I.
Sitting next to me are two pilots whose flight was canceled. I am not
making this up. They work for Eastern Airlines, one of a growing
group of airlines that, as far as I can tell, do not actually own any
airplanes. What they own is a large, modern and superbly maintained
fleet of excuses for why your flight has been canceled. It's a real
thrill to watch the gate crews for these airlines swing into action as
departure time approaches:
"Ladies and gentlemen," the gate agent proudly announces, "the excuse
for canceling Flight 219 is now arriving on our computer screen."
Right on time!
The aspiring passengers cluster around and watch with nervous
excitement as the gate agent frowns at the computer, then says:
"Flight 219 has been canceled because of . . .
(Dramatic pause)
" . . . MAYONNAISE IN THE GYROSCOPE!"
Ha ha! A new one! What will they think of next? The aspiring
passengers, shaking their heads in wonderment at how far commercial
aviation has come in just their own lifetimes, wander off to look for
a working vending machine.
Not that I am complaining about being stuck on the ground. No,
because the aviation industry is operating under a new policy called
"deregulation," under which anybody who can produce two forms of
identification is allowed to operate an airline, and alarming things
can happen to the occasional flight that actually becomes airborne, as
evidenced by recent news reports of planes whose engines were turned
off when they were not in direct personal contact with the ground;
planes taking off without important mechanical parts such as wings;
planes bound for Lexingoton, Ky., but landing, due to navigational
error, on the Lost Continent of Atlantis; etc.
But what really bothers me is the pilots. When I was a boy, all the
pilots were much older than I am, but in recent years there has been a
disturbing trend -- you may have noticed this -- toward pilots MY OWN
AGE. I happen to be my own age, and I would never place a person such
as myself in a position of responsibility. I live in constant fear
that one day I'm going to get on an airplane, and there in the
cockpit, wearing a uniform and frowning at the instruments, will be
somebody I went to high school with, somebody like Billy Kirkwood, who
once, at the Halloween Dance, on purpose, set fire to his own hair.
And let's not even TALK about what happens to luggage. I'm going to
have a little sticker made up: YOU CAN CHECK MY LUGGAGE WHEN YOU PRY
MY COLD, DEAD FINGERS OFF THE HANDLE. Everybody feels this way.
Everybody carries everything on board. You see people stuffing
Barcaloungers into the overhead r acks.
TRUE ANECDOTE: Recently the remains of Pvt. Eddie Slovik, the only
American executed for desertion during World War II, were supposed to
be flown via TWA from New York, N.Y., to Detroit, Mich., so naturally
they wound up in San Francisco, Calif. This really happened.
Fortunately somebody managed to track Pvt. Slovik down before he
earned a Frequent Flier bonus trip to the F ar East.
Meanwhile, here in the Atlanta airport, we are getting our Safety Lecture.
"In the unlikely event that we make it as far as a body of water
before we crash," the flight attendant is saying, "you can use your
complimentary snack to repel sharks."
Next to me, the Eastern pilots -- one of whom is, no question about
it, YOUNGER than I am -- are looking at the little safety card from
the barf-bag pocket, and they are LAUGHING at it. This is the truth.
I ask them what is so funny, and they point to the diagram of the
plane floating perkily on top of the water, like a giant inflatable
pool toy, while the passengers alertly rescue th emselves.
"You mean the plane won't do that?" I ask.
"Listen," one of them says. "This plane floats about as well as a
boat flies."
Finally, days later, we take off. The pilot is talking on the
intercom.
"Folks," he is saying, "on behalf of your entire flight crew, let me
just say that I am setting fire to my hair."
I hope the beverage cart gets here soon.
Who ever said comming down from a high was bad, never tried this.
Peter

[Spy38W 0]

Dave Berry?
--
~Captain Cutaway
I can disassemble a rig in less than 5 seconds...