Holding the Bank Accountable

[ChromeBoy 0]

Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the
United States. The Bank Manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the
New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last
month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the check
and the arrival in my Account of the funds needed to
honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which,
I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by
$50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be
blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model
the procedures, attitudes, and conduct of your very
bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I
know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To
this end, please be advised of the following changes.
I have noticed that, whereas, I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you,
I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore, and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially, to an employee at your branch whom
you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an
offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that
I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings
with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
of button presses required to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by
introducing you to my new telephone system, which
you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only
person with whom I will have any dealings, may
call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice service: Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not
at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password
to access my computer is required. Password will
be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact
will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of
Woodie Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door,
And the vaults are filled with silver,
That the miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive
for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have
always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a
matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of
my time spent in response. Any debits to my account,
as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You
will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and
to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover
the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less
prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client,
(Name Withheld)

[axe96bam 0]

I wish we could actually do such things. The consumer always gets the short end of the stick.
Alex

[TheMarshMan1 0]

hahahahha....thats awesome. I could never think up something that clever...
"If I could be like that, I would give anything, just to live one day, in those shoes..."

[AggieDave 6]

That was pretty cleaver. "ahhhhoo...the little guy hasn't done anything yet and you know its going to be good..."

[Schroeder 0]

you know... why couldn't we do something like that? Seriously, why not?
"If I ventured in the slipstream; Between the via-ducts of your dreams.......could you find me?"

[rhino 0]

I'd love to do that.. My bank in Houston wamu has taken at least 500$ from me over the last year and a half pulling the same shit..
Semper Fi !!!!!
http://www.aahit.com