IRS duh me!!

[Slappie 9]

A man who had been called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service asked
his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing.
Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
"Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice,
and requested some resolution on the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story,"
replied the priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to
wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes
right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got
conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down
to your navel.' "
Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem
with the IRS?"
"Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed."
Blue Skies!http://www.geocities.com/scollins77057/index.html

[Slappie 9]

Ok I'm bored at the office looking out the window day dreaming *sigh* Plus I got dumped on with a buncha good jokes.. So I'm just posting them int his thread..
While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, "Jesus is watching
you." To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it
had heard.
The burglar asks the parrot, "What's your name?"
The parrot says, "Moses."
The burglar goes on to ask, "What kind of a person names their parrot
Moses?"
The parrot replies, "The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler
Jesus."
Blue Skies!http://www.geocities.com/scollins77057/index.html

[Slappie 9]

THE WORD ON SHIT

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all
the concepts and ideas you can
communicate with it. Shit may just be
the most powerful word in the English
language.
CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced,
be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort you can get your shit
together, find a place for your shit or
decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit,
lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell
others to eat shit and die. You can shit
or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit
your life away.
People can be shit headed, shit brained,
shit blinded, and shit over.
Some people know their shit while others
can't tell the difference between shit and
shineola or apple butter.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy
shits, and sweet shits.
There is bullshit, horse shit and chicken
shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve
shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit, or be
happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some
days are hotter than shit, and some
days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can
look like shit, and there are times when
you feel like shit. You can have too much
shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the
wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of
shit, or find yourself up shit creek
without a paddle. Sometimes you really
need this shit and sometimes you don't
want any shit at all. Sometimes everything
you touch turns to shit and other times
you swim in a lake of shit and come out
smelling like a rose.
Shit When you stop to consider all the
facts, it's the basic building block of
creation.
And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else.
quote: George Carlin
Blue Skies!http://www.geocities.com/scollins77057/index.html

[DZBone 0]

No shit!

[DiverDave 0]

New IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review
the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the
Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings
from the Shabbat,Havdallah and Chanukah candles.
The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste,
responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory
and they send the Temple new candles.
What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?
Asked the IRS auditor.
Simple, the Rabbi responded. We collect all the crumbs, send them
to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal.
All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you're
a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from
the circumcisions?
Easy, said the Rabbi. We send them to Washington, DC and they
send us little pricks like you.
Cheers... Dave

[Michele 1]

ROFLMFAO at Dave!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hadn't heard that one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ciels-
Michele
"What of the dreams that never die? Turn to your left at the end of the sky".
~e e cummings~

[LORDOFTHESKY 0]

While we're in this jokin' mood Slappie,
Do you know the difference in a chicken leg and a penis?
Wanna go on a pic-nic?

[spectre230 0]

[Skystorm 0]

The blond wanted to do ice fishing all her life and decided to do some research on the subject. After extensive research she packs her fishing gear and a thermo of cuppacino and heads for the nearest frozen lake.
After she'd set up her little camp she starts digging a hole in the ice. Suddenly she hears a bellowing voice from the heavens :
THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.
She glances at the sky, packs up camp and move on a little further. Again she sets up camp and starts digging a hole in the ice. Again the voice from heaven:
THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.
Now the blond starts to get worried. Once more she packs up camp, move on a little further, and sets up camp again. Sure thing, as she starts digging the hole in the ice the voice again bellows:
THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.
The blond looks up and ask:"Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replies:"NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!!"

[Viking 0]

Quote

What does wearing a rubber during sex and dealing with the IRS have in commen?
You have a feeling of safety and security while being screwed with no sensitivity at all.

oh and this coming from the man who doesn't pay taxes!!!!
Remember when Sex was safe and skydiving was Dangerous?

[PostingWhore 0]

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "the heart would be just below the left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.
/pw

[Slappie 9]

LOL Good one!!
Blue Skies!http://www.geocities.com/scollins77057/index.html

[flyhi 24]

n elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and it had a pearl worth $50,000 . . .please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

[Slappie 9]

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in
a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has
been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking
problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If
either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Blue Skies!http://www.geocities.com/scollins77057/index.html

[Slappie 9]

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first time, so
he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to
step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin
with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like,'I see' 'yes, go on,' and
'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit??.....
What happened next!!"
Blue Skies!http://www.geocities.com/scollins77057/index.html