Catching that butterfly...

[nimbus 0]

This morning as I leave for work the sky is crisp, clear winter blue. My breath leaves my mouth in tiny clouds. I feel pulled towards the sky. Gravity holds my feet to the ground.
I haven't jumped for about a month. Friends have had birthdays, weddings. Now I have a cold. I wonder if these are all excuses to not jump again.
I've had nothing go wrong on either my Lvl 1 or Lvl 2 jumps, but fear and a lack of confidence are getting the better of me. I wonder what I fear. Do I fear the freedom of the sky's embrace? The silence and stillness I find inside my mind? Am I scared to trust myself?
I have a daydream where I live in a mudbrick house 10 minutes from my dropzone. This daydream can come true as just such a house is currently for sale and I can afford it. 16 acres of bush, mudbrick house with slate floors & oregon pine cathedral ceilings, leadlight windows. It's my dream house. I picture myself living there, maybe growing some grape vines & olive trees, building a run for my cats so they can't kill native animals, watching the universe through a telescope at night, swimming in the sky each weekend.
Just like jumping, the only thing that's stopping me is myself. If I jump out of a plane, if I move to the country from the city, I am stepping into the unknown. I am taking steps I can't move back from. But then I think, maybe this is how life should be lived. I never thought I would skydive, but then I did and despite my fear I love it.
Skydiving is like a crystallisation of making my dreams into reality. It signifies what I want my life to be. I've just begun to realise my problems with fighting the door demons represent my problems with and fears of taking control of my life and myself.
I've started thinking, "Well, what's so scary? You go up in a plane. You jump out the door. You still have people holding onto you at this point. You pull the ripcord. You float. You dream in the sky. You touch the essence of cloud, bird, seed-spore and air. You drink of infinity and gaze in wonder. You take yourself back down to the earth and you know what the earth feels like as it dances around the sun.
I know, of course, that it's a serious pursuit, and every single day in my head I go over emergency drills, picture jumps and land on my feet lightly like a fairy. In the time since my last jump I've read and re-read all I can, including dropzone.com posts.
I was feeling that I didn't belong here, that I had no right to think of myself as a skydiver, but then I remembered that I am doing this for myself. It doesn't matter how long I take to get through the AFF course. I've decided to re-do Lvl 2 just to maintain my confidence and not worry about someone letting go of me. I see the new people cropping up on these forums and feel their excitement. I read Michele's stories and regain my motivation. I don't want to go away!
So if the weather is fine tomorrow and my cold is even more gone than it is today I will take the 1 & 1/2 hour train trip to the dropzone and take that step.
Good luck and lots of happiness to everyone here and I hope you all have great jumps this weekend (especially you, Michele!)
Larissa
"Gonna keep catching that butterfly and that dream of mine"
- The Verve.

[FallinWoman 1]

Go Girl!
Do things as you see fit. Repeat if it will make you more comfortable... it is your education, after all..
your poetry inspires me... please write and tell of your lvl2 and beyond...
blue skies and no door demons,
Anne

[dove 0]

What you are feeling is absolutely normal!! I LOVE skydiving and it has changed my life tremendously in wonderfully positive ways! It started with my very first tandem 1 year ago. I was passionate about skydiving from the very start. I would look so forward to the next time I could jump and ache to get back in the air. But when the day came I would secretly hope that there would be thunderstorms or something else to keep me from going. It made no sense!! And if I took a step back to look at it logically I knew I wanted to go - yet something inside of me still screamed "NO!" I still get a twinge of that if I haven't been in a while. But I immediately dismiss it with thoughts of how much fun I will have and how it sets my soul free. (sounds SOOOO corny - but dern if it ain't true) A lame comparison is how you put of going to the gym and wish you could just relax and not have to work out all the time - but once you get there and get through it your body feels great, your mind is clear and you are so glad you finally got off your duff and went! So keep at it. You will be so glad (to out it mildly) you did! Good luck at level 2. Just wait till they let you go in a few jumps - you are a flying machine!!!! Have a blast!
Elisa

[Michele 1]

Nimbus (what a great name, btw)
Go, girl - taste the sky, hold your dream in your hands, and make it happen. You are the only person who dreams your dreams; and you are the only person who can make those dreams your reality. Feel the sky, see your world in a new and amazing way. Learn about yourself at 12,500 - and find yourself in the sky. You are all that you imagine, and so much more. You will not see your limits until you reach - stretching and straining, past them. In hindsight, then, you will understand what you were. Turn your eyes now into the future, towards your dreams. Only then will you understand what you will become.
Love harder, dance more, and sail through the blue sky, knowing the love you feel will always remain with you. Knowing you will see things differently. Knowing that your world will open up: the colors brighter, the feelings more intense, and life will be a little "more". Know that it does change you, and that faith and trust in yourself is the absolute greatest gift you will ever give yourself. You are amazing. The sky is amazing. What better match?
You belong in the blue. Come home, darlin', come home.
Ciel bleu-
Michele

[JDBoston 0]

Hey Larissa,
Well put. I think you hit the nail on the head that skydiving is all about faith and willingness to step up and take control of your fears and your actions. I had a lot of the same feelings you did when I was a student. I only have 27 jumps now, but trust me, the fear diminishes quickly (not that it's quite gone yet...).
My initial solution to the problem of conflicting motivations was to tell everyone I knew that I was going to get my license. I'd also tell them which days I was planning to go jump and which level I was on. That way, I knew I'd have to go jump. I'm a very proud person and how could I go back and tell people I didn't jump? Not an option.
The main mental hurdle to get over is your feeling about the space between the plane and the ground. Initially, it's the unknown - a place you're new to, where you lack control over your fate. Once you tumble a few times and recover fine, or nail a couple new moves, you start realizing that the air is a medium like any other - water, for instance - and that you ARE able to navigate through it. Most people learned to swim when they were too young to really remember overcoming the fear (including me). But I'm convinced that it's a similar concept. You know how good you feel in freefall? Well, just look out the window on the ride up and keep telling yourself "there's no fear out there." Say it enough times and your mind starts believing you...
I also had the feeling that skydiving wasn't for me. There was always a little voice in the back of my head saying "you're not like these people; you can't do what they do." Well guess what? To paraphrase a line from Pulp Fiction, "that's fear, f***ing with you." The only thing you need to do to be "like them" is to tell that little voice to go to hell, and listen to the part of you that knows that flying your body through the upper air is one of the most beautiful and unique experiences a human can have. Not to mention expensive... but let's not dwell on that part.
Anyway I'm not trying to write a book here, just know that there are plenty of ordinary people who have felt the same way you feel now and just kept forcing themself to take that little step off of security and into the wind, one time after another. I know you can do the same thing. Best of luck.
Joe
A-38502

[Alienangel 0]

more cheese, penguin?

[Alienangel 0]

Quote

land on my feet lightly like a fairy

Like a...fairy????

[RemiAndKaren 0]

Quote

land on my feet lightly like a fairy
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Like a...fairy????

funny... when I dream of landing like a fairy, its more a 2.0 loaded VX equiped fairy...

[Alienangel 0]

Squashing that budderfly….
This morning, as I arrive at the dropzone, the air is crisp, clear and sparkling like a diamond retrieved from the dark recesses of jewel smuggler’s ass….But I don’t notice that, because I drank 12 double vodkas and Redbull last night and I feel like I’m about to create my very own mini-dropzone of puke right here in front of the Otter….
My breath leaves my mouth in tiny puffs of foul smelling green gas. Others smile at first, then turn away as they see from my reddened eyes and staggering walk that I am not just afraid: I’m doomed.
I want to run to the john to puke, and I fantasise about building my own mud-hut emergency toilet near the plane. Just in case.
But just like jumping, the only thing that’s stopping me is myself. If I jump out of a plane, if I snort two lines of Charlie, if I drop a pill or I decide to have sex with my neighbor’s wife, I am stepping into the unknown.
Drinking, sleezy living and taking illegal drugs is like a crystallisation of making my dreams into reality. It signifies what I want my life to be. I've just begun to realise my problems with being too afraid to do low toggle turns and hop n pops from 1200 feet represent my problems with and fears of taking control of my life and myself.
I've started thinking, "Well, what's so scary? You get totally smashed on Friday night, you screw some local floozy, you sleep 2 hours, you go up in a plane. You jump out the door. You try and restrain the trickle of vomit exiting your mouth..You still have people holding onto you at this point….but not for long…
You wait till you pass through 1,500 feet….1,000, 750……YEE-HAH!!! This is what SKYDIVING IS ALL ABOUT! You throw your hacky. You feel like hurling again. You dream in the sky…where the fuck is the dropzone? You touch the essence of cloud….oh shit….you knew you shouldn’t have been jumping in weather like this….Fuck. Bird, seed-spore and air…and a thin trail of vomit from your crusty lips. You need a drink of infinity…or at least, another vodka…. and gaze in wonder. You should be dead….HEHEH….You take yourself back down to the earth and get grounded immediately for being such a dangerous prick…but you DON’T GIVE A SHIT!
I know, of course, that it's a serious pursuit, and every single day I wish I could find it in myself to skydive sober, drink less, do less drugs, and mebbe even try and get laid by a woman without scabs and sores….
Good luck and lots of happiness to everyone here and I hope you all have great jumps this weekend (especially you, Michele!)
AA

[Emma 0]

Nimbus,

Quote

I was feeling that I didn't belong here, that I had no right to think of myself as a skydiver, but then I remembered that I am doing this for myself. It doesn't matter how long I take to get through the AFF course.

Keep at it! Some people take years to qualify, you sound like you have the right attitide to it and you're bound to breeze through! And you were a skydiver as soon as you started your AFF... - Well done!
Emma