Anyone got a better joke?

[jhus 0]

Anyone got a better joke? I could use a good laugh.
told 1st person...
So I am out playing golf on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. We have just rounded the turn, and are teeing off of the first hole on the back nine. I pull out my 3 iron, tee up my ball, and in the middle of my backswing I suddenly hear "ribit, 4 iron, ribit ribit". I look down and see a little frog staring up at me, and I think to myself "this can't be happening!". Well there is no way that I can just ignore a talking frog, so I switch clubs and hit my 4 iron instead. The ball lands 2 feet from the pin, and I decide I better keep this frog for the remainder of the round. I proceed to play the best golf of my life. Well up to now, all I have heard from this frog is advice on my golf game, but as I make my final shot on the 18th hole, the toad say's "ribit, go to Vegas, ribit ribit".
I light clicks on in my head, and I book the first flight to Vegas. When we arive I rush into the casino, and the frog says "ribit, blackjack, ribit ribit". I sit down at the blackjack table and change in for some chips. The first hand I am dealt an 18, and the dealer has a 6 showing. I figure this looks like a good start, and as I prepare to wave off the dealer, the frog says "ribit, hit me, ribit ribit". Well this is insane to think about hitting on an 18, but I remember how much this frog helped my golf game, so I figure I better show a little respect. I tap my finger on the table and say "hit", and the dealer turns over a 3... 21! This is turning out to be the best day of my life, and I proceed to collect more chips than I can count.
I ponder how much money I have made, but my thoughts are disrupted as I hear the frog say "ribit, lets get a room, ribit ribit". This freaks me out a little, but then again the whole talking frog bit is a little freaky altogether. Plus at this point I owe everything to the frog, and I decide to take the frog to a room. When we get to the room I shut the door, and the frog says "ribit, kiss me, ribit ribit". Well I figure why not, the least I can do for this frog is give it a kiss. So I close my eyes, quickly kiss the frog, and immediately it turns into a beautiful 16 year old girl...
"and that your honor, is how she got into my hotel room!"

[Viking 0]

My response
Remember when Sex was safe and skydiving was Dangerous?

[phatcat 0]

She did that to you too, huh? I’m so ashamed…
"One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar" - Helen Keller

[n2skdvn 0]

this is not a joke but funny A true fact!The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."
have chute. will fall.

[Viking 0]

Quote

"Hold my beer and watch this."

yep the rednecks famous last words Remember when Sex was safe and skydiving was Dangerous?

[starzwithaz 0]

The Celeb quotes are pretty funny.
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time!!!!!"
Robin Williams
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit!!!
I have always thought this quote was funny...
"Women may be able to fake an orgasm but men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
Or this one... "I will never get married again. I am just going to find a women I don't like and buy her a house."
Rod Stewart
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
And this is one of my personal favorites...
"My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
Blue Skies and Sandy Beaches
Starz

[Michele 1]

A few "true crime" stories from a cop friend of mine....
#1:
"I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away".
#2
Some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
#3
A story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank
of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all
your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to
the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and
might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank
of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes
in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
#4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a
letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.
#5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the
cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused
and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was,
but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.
At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in
fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from
the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the
name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested
the robber two hours later.
#6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.
#7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
#8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Just a few thoughts.
ciel bleu-
Michele

[lazerq3 0]

Quote

#4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a
letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.

I've also heard of this happening too out in Utah. Only the guy that mailed in a photo copy of his fine ended up getting arrested for countifiting money!!
jason

[AggieDave 6]

A guy comes home from his job at a food processing plant and tells his wife that he thinks he needs help. She gets concerned and asks him to tell her about it. He proceeds to tell her that for the past few days he has been fighting an uncontrollable urge to put his dick in the pickle slicer. His wife is horrified and tells him that he shouldn't and that if this keeps up she'll take him to a doctor for help. Well a few days pass and the husband doesn't say anything, then one afternoon he comes to his wife after work and says "Honey, I have some bad news, remember when I told you what I wanted to do with the pickle slicer?" She screams "You didn't! What happened? Are you ok?" He said, well, "I'm fine but we both got fired."
AggieDave '02
-------------
Blue Skies and Gig'em Ags!
BTHO t.u.

[tomblin 0]

A redneck brothers famous last words....
"Aww....I can top that..."

[mouth 0]

My youngest child's favorite...
If you are American outside the bathroom what are you inside the bathroom?
European (you're a peein')

[Billy 0]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window " I, want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn
checking account now!'
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
manager to inform him of her situation. The manager
agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that
foul language. They both return to the window and the
manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the
problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a
damn checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

[jhus 0]

OK, I'm dissapointed. I know you all can do a little better than that. You spend 3/4 of your days hanging out at the drop zone, so I know you have heard some funnies!
A guy walks into a bar with a miniature piano under his arm, and a tiny little man no taller than a foot on his shoulder. The man sits down and sets the piano on top of the bar. The midget then jumps onto the bar and begins to play the piano. The man then pulls out a bottle, sets it down by the piano, and orders a double shot. The bartender pours his shot, and ask why he looks so glum. The man replies "I have been cheated by the genie". The bartender then asks if he is sure he needs another shot. The man replies back "I'm not drunk- try it for yourself. Rub the bottle and a genie will appear and grant you 1 wish". The bartender decides to humor the man, and rubs the bottle. To his amazement, a genie appears and offers to grant him one wish. The bartender immediately says "I wish for a million bucks". Then the room fills with smoke, and there is a crash of thunder. When the smoke clears the bartender is furious when he sees what must be a million ducks walking around his bar. He looks to the man for an answer, but the only response is "What! You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Jhus

[rainier 0]

Jhus,
I've been waitin to hear the end of that joke for about 8 years now. A guy we were hanging out with at an after-hours in NYC was telling it but stopped right after he lit his own eyebrow on fire! with my lighter. AFter that, we got into a huge brawl with him and his friends and I never heard the ending. Til now! I was tantalized by the "and then the midget jumps on the bar and starts playing the piano..." THANKS FOR CLEARING THAT UP :) Anyone know the ending to the joke Judd Nelson is telling while he crawls thru the crawlspace in The Breakfast Club? I've been waiting to hear the end of that one for even longer. :)

[msdeva 0]

A black man, a white man and an Arab are sittin' in a bar - shootin' the breeze.
The black man mentions that he has 6 kids. One more - and he could have a basketball team.
The white man declares that he has 11 kids - one more and he could have a football team. "We'd kick your ass!"
The white man and black man bicker for a bit, and then ask the Arab how many kids he has.
The Arab shakes his head and says -
"I have 17 wives...
One more - and I'd have a golf course!"

[DZBone 0]

Quote

Anyone know the ending to the joke Judd Nelson is telling while he crawls thru the crawlspace in The Breakfast Club?

I just can't resist these kind of things. Apparently, he was supposed to say "I forgot my pencil" when they drop through the ceiling. They never really figured out a joke that went with that punchline, so Judd just made up another one, with no punchline. Doesn't really make sense, but there it is.
Sorry.
Sample Reference
Although apparently people have come up with various punchlines of their own. The best one I found was:
'The the poodle says "After I get the drink I have everything"'
Carl

[RemiAndKaren 0]

Just got this from my manager via email!
Due to current financial difficulties, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off until further notice.

The Management

[jhus 0]

What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad Golfer: 'Whack'..."Oh, Shit!"
Bad Skydiver "Oh, Shit"...'Whack'

[RedBull 0]

A man walks in to bar. He sees a sign behind the bar that reads, "Ask about our 'Free Beer for Life' contest."
So he does.
The bartender explains:
"Well, buddy, in order to get free beer for life, you gotta do three things."
"The first thing", the bartender explains while he picks up a 1/2 gallon bottle of really nasty tequila "is you gotta drink down this whole bottle of tequila in one go, without taking it from your mouth or grimacing".
"The second thing is this: we have a pond out back that has the meanest alligator you ever saw in it. Why's he so mean? Well, he's got a toothache. You gotta go out there and pull out that critter's bad tooth."
"Thirdly: We have an old prostitute upstairs who's never had an orgasm. For the last thing, you gotta go up there and pleasure her."
"Sheesh!", the man says. "Thanks anyway." He sits down to drink with his buddies, forgetting about the contest.
Around last call, the man, now thoroughly tanked, stumbles up to the bar.
"Gimme that bottle of tequila!", he says.
He drinks down the entire bottle, as instructed. Tears stream from his eyes as he gulps down this revolting stuff.
He then looks up at the bartender, who motions out back toward the pond.
The drunk man stumbles out. The bar inhabitants then hear a great commotion. Screams and splashing continue for quite a while. The man returns, his clothes are torn and bloody.
He then asks, "Where's the old whore with the sore tooth?"

[phastasphuk 0]

hehe...
What are you if you phuk the Queen in the a$$???
chris
How would you like too stick with me
How much do you love to freefall

[phastasphuk 0]

If you do, you're definitly KING...
chris
How would you like too stick with me
How much do you love to freefall