President's Speech #2

[ladyskydiver 0]

Got this in an email this morning and figured that people bitch about the U.S. so...how would you like to see/hear this speech?

*****

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE OL' TV TONIGHT AND SEE A PRESIDENT (ANY PRESIDENT, or hopeful) OF THE UNITED STATES GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH:

My fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.

It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of Countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China. To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a Peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too. We will still stand by Israel in whatever you work out.

I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. Pay the ticket by tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not %@#&* us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty -- starting now. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying 'darn tootin.' Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate world Cup soccer from America.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

God bless America.

Thank you and good night.

*****
Let the arguments begin.

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.

[Tonto 1]

Of course, the speech wouldn't have to be given if you'd just listened to the whole world saying

"Sit back. You're going to fuck this one up."

instead of hearing them say

"Told you so..."

t

It's the year of the Pig.

[squirrel 0]

but i a really like soccer....er..."football"

________________________________
Where is Darwin when you need him?

[ladyskydiver 0]

Morning/afternoon, Tonto! Was wondering when I'd see you in this thread.
Fortunately/unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I didn't vote for Bush. I'm Libertarian and voted that way.

I don't agree with everything the government has done, but in the same aspect, I don't disagree with everything they have done. And, I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt that they went in with all the best intentions. So...yeah...if this speech was given, there would be "Told you so's." I look at it as I'd rather have tried to do something good (again benefit of the doubt), failed and withdrawn and have someone say "Told you so" than to never have tried and live with the issues that would follow.

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.

[ladyskydiver 0]

I never did understand why soccer is referred to as football.

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.

[mpsniper98 0]

Quote

whole world saying

since when have we listened to the peanut gallery.

NBFT

[squirrel 0]

me either...i prefer soccer. as for the rest of it...i say nuke em!

________________________________
Where is Darwin when you need him?

[TheAnvil 0]

LOL. I'd probably faint if I heard that, wake up, and drink tequila for hours in celebration.

Vinny the Anvil
Post Traumatic Didn't Make The Lakers Syndrome is REAL
JACKASS POWER!!!!!!

[nacmacfeegle 0]

"I never did understand why soccer is referred to as football."
Well, its a game involving a ball shaped thing as opposed to an egg shaped thing, and you kick it around with your feet, as opposed to picking it up and running with it in your hands.
So I reckon you should rename your football, hand egg. Yes hand egg, a much better sounding name.

Vinny, make the most of that Tequila, as the president has just shut the border with Mexico, its the last of it you'll see for a while.

Sorry Cora, I was working on a witty reply from the members of list 2, but its not sounding the way I intended, so I'll refrain.

--------------------

He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me. Thomas Jefferson

[ladyskydiver 0]

Quote

Well, its a game involving a ball shaped thing as opposed to an egg shaped thing, and you kick it around with your feet, as opposed to picking it up and running with it in your hands.
So I reckon you should rename your football, hand egg. Yes hand egg, a much better sounding name.

Love ya, Nac! Hand egg....

NP - I'm sure your wittiness will show up elsewhere.

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.

[SpeedRacer 1]

Quote

So I reckon you should rename your football, hand egg. Yes hand egg, a much better sounding name.

BWAHAHAHAHA!!

That's a great idea!

Speed Racer
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