IanHarrop 42 #1 November 12, 2004 NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE TO CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA In light of your failure to make the correct decision in electing your President, thus showing you to be unfit to govern yourselves, we hereby give you notice of the revocation of your independence effective as of Monday 8th November 2004. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she doesn't much fancy. Your new Prime Minister, the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair M.P., for the 97.85% of you unaware of the outside world, will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated in twelve months time to determine if any of you noticed. To aid your transition into a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. All citizens are to look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. While there, check the pronunciation guide for "aluminium" - this may be surprising for you. Generally attempt to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words interspersed with "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable form of communication. Look up "interspersed". 2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. Learn to distinguish British and Australian accents. It's not difficult. 4. Hollywood will henceforth be required to occasionally cast Englishmen as good guys. 5. Re-learn your original anthem, "God Save the Queen". Please ensure that you have complied with the first law before attempting this. 6. Stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of "football". What you refer to as "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you aware of a world outside of your borders may have noticed that no one else plays it. Play proper football instead; to start with get the girls to help you - it is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, eventually, be allowed to play rugby, which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies. 7. Declare war on Quebec and France, using nukes if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you unaware of the outside world should count yourselves lucky - the Russians have never really been bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t". 8. 4th July is no longer a public holiday. 2nd November will be the new national holiday. 9. American cars are hereby banned. They are crap; it's for your own good. When we show you German cars you'll understand. 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION."Where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me" Dorothy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DrunkMonkey 0 #2 November 12, 2004 Hi. This is last Monday. Have we met? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ahegeman 0 #3 November 12, 2004 Can we keep our toothbrushes?--------------------------------------------------------------- There is a fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'. --Dave Barry Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IanHarrop 42 #4 November 12, 2004 Sorry for the late notice of the REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE. We've probably not met, I don't get down to the states much. Lost Prairie this year was the only skydiving I've done outside of Canada."Where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me" Dorothy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IanHarrop 42 #5 November 12, 2004 QuoteCan we keep our toothbrushes? What? You don't want a British Smile? http://www.jengajam.com/r/Book-Of-British-Smile"Where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me" Dorothy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DrunkMonkey 0 #6 November 12, 2004 QuoteQuoteCan we keep our toothbrushes? What? You don't want a British Smile? http://www.jengajam.com/r/Book-Of-British-Smile OH FOR FUCKS' SAKE!!! I was just going to go to bed...The nightmares.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lawrocket 3 #7 November 12, 2004 NOTICE OF ANNEXATION IN light of your failure to adapt to the modern governmental era, thus proving yourselves incompetent to even knock off this queen nonsense, and to alleviate the potential of being governed by an inbred with big ears and poor teeth, we hereby provide notice of your annexation effective July 4, 1776. Mr. President George Walker Bush will assume governing duties over our new territory, with the exception of Scousers who will be indentured as stokers for our coal-fired power plants. Your new leader, President Bush, for those 97.85 percent who still cannot face cold hard facts of the modern fucking world, will appoint, in keeping with our actor/governor traditions, CHarlton Heston as the new governor of Old Blighty, who can teach you all about respect for firearms and written COnstitutions. We're saving Jerry Lewis for France, whom we plan to annex next week (Les Francaise love Jerry Lewis). We trust you'll notice armed Bobbies, and quit fucking with them. To aid your transition to the American way, the following rule are introduced wiht immediate effect: 1) Webster's New World Dictionary shall replace the antiquated Oxford dictionary. We will no longer tolerate u's where unnecessay, as in "colour" and "flavour." "-or" works fine, is more efficient, and saves money. Furthermore, "th" shall no longer be pronouced "f," "er" shall not take the place of "a" (it's "idea" and not "ideayer"), and lorries will be called "trucks," "coaches" will be called "bus" and crisps will be called "chips." Got it? 2) There will be no further "english" language. "American" will take over. 3) Since English already recognize that they speak with accents, legal recognition of their inferiority is not necessary. 4) "Rambo, John Rambo" shall replace 007... 5) "God Save the Queen" shall only be the state anthem when, God forbid, King Charles ascends to his honorary post of, "Useless Vestige of Failed Limey Self-Governance." Such change is needed since "God Save the Queen" will still be sung, meaning you will be praising, blech, Camilla. 6) Soccer will be tolerated and acceptable if chickenshit wimps quit taking dives and holding ankles when incidentally contacted by a divot. The spirit of American football, where athletes are expected to play with strains, fractures, dislocations and concussions, with become the new national ethos. A US demonstration squad shall play the British State in a sevens match and kick your asses. Afterwards, each team's flyhalf will meet for a boxing match (British boxers are legendary, ha ha ha!) 7) Quebec will be annexed as "Newer Orleans." The French will get Jerry Lewis, a fate worse than nuking. Oakland Raider fans will be brought to teach the French the fine art of fan thuggery, eliminating rock throwing by british hooligans in favor of shanks and "caps in the ass (the term "arse" has an unnecessary "r") 8) Brits will be exempt from all holidays. ANy request for time off shall contain the precatory language, "Please, sir, I want some more." 9) British cars are hereby banned and will be replaced with vehicle with steering wheels on the correct side. Furthermore, stoplights will be introduced, with a final phase in by 2010 (with the elimination of the roundabout abominations). Finally, the British ban on straight roads that go either north-south or east-west shall be lifted, with road widening standards brought up to where pedestrians are not hit by cars more than once a year per 10 yards of paved roadway. 10) Brits will be required to inform of good reasons why Prince CHarles has been allowed to breed. My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mr2mk1g 10 #8 November 12, 2004 I hate to break it to you dude... but given the massive majority Kerry would have had in the UK had you annexed us back in 1776... that ol' 1% of the vote Georgy won by wouldn't mean a lot and you just annexed yourself ol' horse face into office. (edit - pretty funny re-write mind) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lawrocket 3 #9 November 12, 2004 Quotethat ol' 1% of the vote Georgy won by wouldn't mean a lot and you just annexed yourself ol' horse face into office. No it wouldn't. We're only giving Britain 3 electoral votes. My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mr2mk1g 10 #10 November 12, 2004 ... if you based it on our population as in all the other states we'd have somewhere in the region of 108. Would make the UK one of the most important places to call. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Stumpy 284 #11 November 12, 2004 Quote4) "Rambo, John Rambo" shall replace 007... Says it all really..... Nice retort though Never try to eat more than you can lift Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lawrocket 3 #12 November 12, 2004 Quote... if you based it on our population as in all the other states we'd have somewhere in the region of 108. Would make the UK one of the most important places to call. That's why I never said ya'll would be a state. You'd be a territory, on par with American Samoa and Kwajalein, only without the nice weather. My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mardigrasbob 0 #13 November 12, 2004 Blame it on Canada! ---------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
