Marriage or relationship question..

[narcimund 0]

My husband taught me an important thing: When you start talking about your relationship problems with others, it's already over.

First Class Citizen Twice Over

[skycat 0]

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The ladies can learn something about men in this thread,,,

BWAHAHAHA.....yep I learned Derek and I are still on the same page. Give each other lots of space, and if you fuck it up you will get your ass kicked.

Fly it like you stole it!

[billvon 2,991]

I think people are overanalyzing this.

If emails/letters like that are OK with you and your wife, they are OK. If emails/letters like that are not OK with you and your wife, they are not OK. There's no rule book that says "women can't tell men they love them" or "men can't look at naked chicks when they're married." The only people who can define what is and isn't OK with them are the two people involved. Anyone outside those two people are simply not qualified.

>She should have enough respect for me to understand and
>correct behavior like that..

And you should have enough respect for her to talk to her about it yourself, rather than hoping she reads it when you post your opinions about your relationship publically.

[Frenchy68 0]

If she feels like writing "Love You", you can only ask her not to write it, but it won't help her from feeling it. If she means it "harmlessly", then so be it. If it means more, then looking the other way and pretend nothing is wrong probably won't help. Can't force people to have feelings. Talking about them and how relevant they are to a relationship may be a better approach, IMO. That's the way I've been dealing with my relationships in general, doesn't mean it applies to anyone else though...

PS: Am I the only one scared by Pajarito's new avatar?

"For once you have tasted Absinthe you will walk the earth with your eyes turned towards the gutter, for there you have been and there you will long to return."

[dropzonefool 0]

Rhino do you pay for her email account? you say you have seperate bank accounts ect........... Maybe it is time you start considering seperating more, and becoming more independent from each other. If your wife dosen't have enough respect for you and signs emails to another romantic involved man that she loves him then it is time to re-anilize your relationship. DO you look at other wemon? Fantisize about them? internet porn? IF you answer no and you feel she is walking all over you then you need to be the man and take a stand. Cut off the phone lines to the house, stop buying her items she uses agains you (lap tops). Tell her she is important and she is hurting you, IF it persists then tell her to go to him, I believe wemon are evil and she is playing you, letting you make the mistake that you pay alomony while she is cali. in the arms of this younger man. Be smart!
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[kelpdiver 2]

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I wonder if his wife agrees with the Love Ya language?

95% of women I've ever met would hit the roof, and rightfully so.

Just start saying "love ya" to women on the phone, the neighbor lady, any woman you have contact with. I bet your wife gets a little perspective on how you feel.

How did two people that have known each other for [half their life?] get equated with random familiar people on the street?

The social engineering remark was rather creepy, but as I said in the misplaced thread in Gearing, some men find it hard to believe that two people of the opposite sex can have a friendship that has nothing to do with sex.

I have friends I'll kiss goodbye (on the cheek normally), in front of their husbands. It doesn't mean anything more than it is. And unlike Rhino's case, I'm not on the other side of the country.

[Beverly 1]

I would love to tell you that it is not a concern, as I feel that you have a right to feel how you do.

If this guy is more like a brother and like you said, barely made it to a kiss, then you should see their relationship more like a sister brother connection, and not worry about a sign off.

If, and there is a big if, there are scenarios that make you more uncomfortable, like them talking about shagging or making crude comments that would allow you to get mad.

I was on the other end of an infidelity and there were warning signs coming from mars! Things like the other person not respecting your time as a couple. Sunday night TV, and the damn phone won't stop from all the text messages, was the biggest clue that they were more than friends.

If she allows you into their friendship, then accept that. I have many male friends that people see we have a more than friendship connection, but eeeuuu! I would never think of getting sexual with them.
We even have sex conversations, which normally help both parties with some advice on the other species.

So basically, if it is innicent enough messages and mails, it is not worth the rising blood pressure.
If you suspect more by the tone and content of the messages, then raise it. Then drop it.

It will eat your marriage for breakfast if you keep at it.

I think true friendship is under-rated

Twitter: @Dreamskygirlsa

[rhino 0]

Thanks for all your opinions.. My position remains exactly the same.. It won't change.

Rhino

[wmw999 2,446]

Things like this, you both have to agree what's "right" and what's "wrong." Because, as Billvon said, it's something you agree on in the relationship.

Can you just tell her that these words hurt you deeply? That takes responsibility for your feelings, rather than putting the onus on her as being "wrong."

There are relationships where this wouldn't be an issue, so it's obviously not universal. But that doesn't make it wrong, because your feelings are your feelings. Obviously hers are different. If you can turn it into a "respect for feelings" thing rather a "I'm right and you're wrong" thing it might help.

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[Ron 10]

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Do you think it is O.K.?

Yep.

I have several friends that tell em that they love me.

Female friends say that a lot. I even have two male friends that tell me that...Both are straight. But they are like my brothers and after the shit that we have been through together its normal. One I have known since I started jumping and I would fly to CA to help him hide a body. The other came home from Iraq and called me that day to tell me that he loved me. It surprized me, him, and his Wife and Father....But he had just been through some shit and realized that life is short and when you care about someone...You tell them.

I mention these things to show that you can love someone and not want them. To "Love" someone is to care for them, to know them, and to tell them you love them is to let them know that. It is not about sex.

We always get confused about that. Love means many things.

1. Erotic Love....This is the "Damn she is hot I want her" love.. I can sleep with someone and not love them.

2. Love for your Family...I Love my Father, Mother, Sister, Brother...But I don't want to have sex with them (I never lived in ARK, even though I jumped there). But my Family comes over some piece of ass.

3. You can love your Children...To the point of dying for them, or killing to protect them...Still no sex. I don't have kids, but I have seen and heard enough to know that the love for them is very strong.

4. You can have a person who you know so well, that is also your best friend. But still no sex.

Most people think love is #1 and #4 combined, but they can be seperate. The really lucky ones do find #1 and #4 in the same person. Lets call that 5.

5. The love of your life. Soul mate...whatever you want to call it.

It is clear to me that if they "tried" to have a "1" but it didn't work...Then they will never be a "5". And if you are with her, and he is not, that is further proof.

I would not worry about it. And worrying about it will cause more problems than her writting those three words could ever.

That is not to say that you don't have the right to be upset, or that you should not ahve told her that...But Jeliousy never makes you look good.

She knows it upsets you.

Let it go.

If they took vacations together...That would be a sign of a possible problem.

But words written on a piece of paper? Nope.

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." -- Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Jefferson Papers, 334

[Lindsey 0]

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Thanks for all your opinions.. My position remains exactly the same.. It won't change.

Rhino

One thing that I find to be extremely disrespectful is for someone to tell a person that he/she *loves* that something in their behavior won't be tolerated. That's what you tell a child, not a spouse. To have a need to control a person to that extent is a much, much bigger problem than a woman telling a friend that she loves him. It's extremely degrading. What is acceptable/unacceptable in a relationship is something that should be discussed between the two of you, not decided by dz.com. BUT, she's obviously a very tolerant woman to stick around with those kinds of ultimatums being laid out for her.

--
A conservative is just a liberal who's been mugged. A liberal is just a conservative who's been to jail

[ladyskydiver 0]

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Who screwed you over?

ROFLMAO **breathe** ROFLMAO **breathe** ROFLMAO

No one's screwed me over, Rhino. Nice try, however, at getting my goat.

ROFLMAO **breathe** ROFLMAO **breathe** ROFLMAO

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.

[skydyvr 0]

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Just start saying "love ya" to women on the phone, the neighbor lady, any woman you have contact with. I bet your wife gets a little perspective on how you feel.

How did two people that have known each other for [half their life?] get equated with random familiar people on the street?

They're not equal. Saying "Love You" to someone who was once close has the potential to be more hurtful than saying it to random people on the street.

. . =(_8^(1)

[Darius11 12]

I didn’t read all the posts here but I read some.

Here is my .02
I always go with my gut. If I feel something is not kosher then it isn’t.
I have been right every time in the past 28 years. There has been a few times where I was told the same thing we are just friends blah blah blah. Years later I found out I was right.

Don’t get me wrong I have had girl friends that have had lots of guy friends who they were very close too.
There has only been 3 times where I felt something was off and I was right every time.

So my advice is to trust your feelings, and if this is bothering you that much then your wife should care about how you feel.

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

[Gralala 0]

Such a wise woman! Actually, my hubby and I had several discussions that were similar. But we had them between US not posted for everyone to see. My "Maid of Honor" for our wedding was my best friend, and I rename the position to "BridesMAN"... Even put it on his flask we gave him as a momento of the occaision. It's actually a joke between us, because he's one of my best "girlfriends" and no he isn't gay! My hubby and I however made the decision from the start to discuss issues between us first, not a blame game, but a true discussion... Hardest part was learning to walk away for a short period of time when tempers flare.... Now we usually end up laughing about most things... Postings like this remind me how lucky we are to have our relationship...

Another note, I too decided not to wait or regret not telling my good close friends that I love them... After losing a friend to the sport a couple years ago, nearly losing another to a serious accident last year, and almost losing my son 7 years ago in a serious accident... I don't randomly say I love you to just anyone, but when I do care about someone I tell them..Even if it's not reciprocated in the way I think it should be!! I love the quote about going out to CA to help bury a body... Can so relate, been lucky enough to have two good friends like that!! Not sure I'd do that for my own kids, well, not as readily..

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." -- Helen Keller

[rehmwa 2]

Read the whole thing, just make sure I wasan't repeating anything. I'm with Wendy and Billvon - neither person is so much as right or wrong here, it's a matter of whether the two of you can come to an agreement for 'what you can deal with'.

This is a long discussion and both of you maintaining your cool is most important. If neither of you can find a compromise, then other stuff is going on and that's a longer discussion.

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[Shotgun 1]

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Do you think it is O.K.?

Or NOT O.K. for her to be doing this?

That is completely between the two of you and what you agree on in your relationship.

This is one of the reasons I prefer open relationships, because little things like this don't cause such a huge problem.... Also, if there really is an attraction to another person, having an open relationship means that we are more likely to talk about it without feeling the need to keep it a secret (which makes for a much healthier relationship, IMO, since it's pretty unlikely that most people are going to go the rest of their lives without feeling attracted to anyone else)... Not saying that's the case in your situation - it sounds to me like he really is just a friend...

Anyhow, I hope you are able to work out this problem with her. It sounds like you need to take some deep breaths, sit down and talk with her in a calm manner, and find a compromise that works for both of you.

[skymama 37]

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Thanks for all your opinions.. My position remains exactly the same.. It won't change.

Then why did you even post the question?

There's a difference between being "in love" with someone and "loving" them. When you first met your wife, I bet you considered her big heart and ability to love others a good thing. It's too bad you don't think that anymore, I feel sorry for her that you don't respect her as she is.

There are so many issues here that you've talked about that are huge warning signs that your marriage is in trouble. I hope you get counseling before it's too late for the sake of the children.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[diablopilot 2]

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Telling friends "love ya" isn't that big a deal. It can be a way to say "your friendship means a lot to me".

In modern day America "love ya" and "I love you." are miles apart.

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You're not as good as you think you are. Seriously.

[Ron 10]

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In modern day America "love ya" and "I love you." are miles apart.

In modern America I love you, and I love you are miles apart...Read my other post for my stance..

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." -- Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Jefferson Papers, 334

[RoadRash 0]

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That’s why as I said in my previous post, the concept of marriage is now prehistoric…… and only a matter of time before it becomes extinct…

Yeah, that's why there is a marriage ritual in almost every culture known to man, from Africa to Japan....Die out anytime soon? I don't think so...If anything...it keeps evolving just like us...

~R+R...Say bye bye to your pinky......

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Fly the friendly skies...^_^...})ii({...^_~...

[Nightingale 0]

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Then why did you even post the question?

Because he didn't really want the answer. He just wanted confirmation that he was "right."

[Ron 10]

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Because he didn't really want the answer. He just wanted confirmation that he was "right."

Ya mean like the guy with 100 jumps that looks for someone to tell him he will be fine under the Velocity 88? People do that?

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." -- Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Jefferson Papers, 334

[Nightingale 0]

Yep. Just like that.

[rehmwa 2]

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I feel sorry for her that you don't respect her as she is.

Ouch - {not just you Andrea, but a lot of people passing judgement here and dropping the rhino in the bad guy role and the wife in the "big heart and giving nature" role - anyone here met the wife? can speak directly to the intimate details of the relationship? How much help does it give Rhino to tell him to "relax, take a deep breath" and then top that with telling him he's a bad person. Most people would close all their doors right off - if he's family here, then we need to encourage them to talk and not select a side}

They need to come to an agreement, the only problem here is it sounds like NEITHER one of them seems to want to come to a mutual agreement. They need to do something, but I would never lay the entire load on one person in any relationship.

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants